We want to have influence with our adult kids, but sometimes it comes across as judging them. What can we do to increase our influence without judging? One important task of young adults and their parents is the task of differentiation. It's an ongoing process where you define your new roles, separate yourself as a person, reveal more of your true self, define new boundaries, and manage all of the anxiety and big emotions that come from this process.  If we want to influence our adult kids we need to accept that differentiation. It helps to be non-reactive and emotionally curious. If we want to give advice, ask permission first. And use stories to say what you're trying to say. Remind them of your intentions and that they are an adult in this situation. Remind them that you'll be okay no matter what you choose because you have your own life. And be vulnerable and real with them. It might be time to tell them about how you face your life so they see you as a person and not a parent. Our kids expereince our actions and words, not our intentions. That means that without realizing it, we can actually be part of the problem. Acknowledging this is an important step into changing the patterns we don't want to continue with our adult kids. It's a lot of work to forge this new relationship, but it's so worth it!