“Growing up with an abusive father gave me a very clear example of what masculinity can become when it’s rooted in control and fear. I watched how anger was used as power. And I made a conscious decision that if I was going to live as a man, I was not going to live like that. I wasn’t going to repeat it. I had to build something different — something steadier, something safer.”~ Jack ~

Masculinity In Review

In this 15th interview of Intelligent Masculinity, Nick Paro sits down with Jack for a deeply personal conversation about trauma, transition, and the uneven terrain of support. Raised by an abusive father and a mother struggling with her own unresolved trauma, Jack found refuge in a grandmother who offered space and stability.

As a trans man who has lived both female-presenting and male-presenting lives, Jack offers rare insight into masculinity from both sides of the social divide. His journey reframes intelligent masculinity not as inheritance or dominance — but as something consciously built through reflection, healing, and self-discipline.

Jack’s story is one of unsteady mentorship and no clear male modeling—his story is one shaped by contrast: an abusive father whose masculinity was rooted in control and volatility; a mother living within her own trauma, often emotionally unavailable; and a grandmother who created space — quiet, nonjudgmental, stabilizing space. These disparities matter because intelligent masculinity is often easier to define when you have healthy examples. Whereas Jack did not—he had to build it himself.

Jack’s relationship with his father forms the psychological backdrop of the conversation. He opened up about the distorted lessons of masculinity he learned at the hands of abuse: that power equals fear, authority equals unpredictability, and strength equals domination. When those are your earliest exposures to “manhood,” masculinity becomes something to either fear or reject. For Jack, that early model did not become destiny—it became a warning on what not to do or be. The absence of safe masculinity forced him to reflect on what real strength looks like, without the cruelty. It also left scars—and a lingering self-doubt.

On the other side of that abuse, Jack sees what his mother was going through and uses that as context. When a parent is fighting their own internal battles, emotional availability becomes scarce and support becomes inconsistent at best—that combination creates a unique form of isolation. In that environment, Jack’s concepts of masculinity had to emerge through observation and trial. His growth into accepting his adult masculinity required separating compassion for his mother’s trauma from accepting the consequences it had on him. That separation is emotional maturity—and is at the heart of Jack’s journey.

In contrast to volatility and instability, Jack’s grandmother offered him the space he desperately needed—no yelling, manipulation, or conditional love—just room to exist as himself. That space became foundational, because masculinity is a thing that can be constructed—and to construct something, it needs the space to feel safe enough to emerge. In providing this space, his grandmother did not define him—she allowed him to discover himself without fear. And that kind of support can be life-saving.

Perhaps the most unique dimension of this discussion is Jack’s lived experience as both female-presenting and male-presenting. He has lived and understands many of the things men do not: what it feels like to be dismissed, what it feels like to be talked over, what it feels like to move through the world without physical safety assumptions, and what changes when those assumptions shift. He describes the jarring experience of being treated with increased deference once male-presenting—conversations changing tone and authority is assumed rather than questioned. That contrast exposed an uncomfortable truth that masculinity carries unearned social power. And the difference between intelligent and not, is whether you use it recklessly or responsibly.

In the end, there is something profoundly important underlying all of Jack’s emotional discipline. To Jack, restraint is a concrete need—it is the power to be corrective. Where his father used anger, unpredictability, and fear as power—Jack practices regulation as responsibility, he models consistency, and shapes masculinity to mean safety.

~ Nick Paro

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Nick’s Notes

I’m Nick Paro, and I’m sick of the shit going on. So, I’m using poetry, podcasting, and lives to discuss the intersections of chronic illness and mental wellbeing, masculinity, veteran’s issues, politics, and so much more. I am only able to have these conversations, bring visibility to my communities, and fill the void through your support — this is a publication where engagement is encouraged, creativity is a cornerstone, and transparency is key — please consider becoming a paid subscriber today and grow the community!

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