Internal tools sell as hero moves: someone "built" a dashboard, a script, or a tiny app and suddenly a process is faster—or so the story goes. Too often those quick wins become brittle rituals: undocumented scripts, single-person knowledge, shaky data sources, and endless manual babysitting. In this ten‑minute monologue Dr Disruptor performs a forensic audit of tool theater—what a healthy internal tool guarantees (owner, SLA, documented fallback, and reuse rules) versus how most behave (single maintainer, hidden hacks, and technical debt dressed as agility). The Survivor supplies immediately usable moves: three diagnostic signals your tool is a liability; three compact triage flows (Stabilize+Doc+Owner, Timebox+Replace with a vendor or tiny API, or Sun‑set+Fallback); paste‑ready one‑liners to ask for ownership or a retirement plan; and a two‑week "Tool Reality" pilot to test one fix, measure hours saved vs. maintenance, and produce a tiny governance card. CTA: visit the show site to grab the Internal Tool One‑Pager toolkit. May your coffee be stronger than your mission statement.