Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 11 and we’re going to talk about the fact that our experiences actually may have helped us in ways we never realized!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

In my last episode, I talked about how it is SO important to be heard, understood, and to have your feelings and experiences validated! It might be a crappy ball of hot mess, but what happened to us HAPPENED, and how it affected us is REAL! We live with it every day, it can affect us in every fiber of our being! We know lots of the bad and negative ways trauma has hurt us, but if we think about it, and “flip the script”,  is there anything positive we can take away from it? Well, the answer is YES!  Hold on, I can hear lots of you out there going…. what the heck are you talking about?!” Let me explain….

You’ve heard me talk a lot about our brains being in survival mode when we go through trauma, especially as children. Our brains and bodies instinctively go there to keep us safe. They shut down everything except what is needed to keep us going, ready to react to danger. That front part of our brain, the thinking part, shuts down. Somehow those systems know what to do, they take action. So, while this is going on, and we’re just trying to get through one minute to the next, even with the logical part of our brain shut down, we develop some pretty incredible coping skills and behaviors. Even as little kids, we learned things that helped us make it through, to survive. We learned how to navigate through the minefield of what was happening. We had the ability to assess the situation and decide on a course of action designed to help us stay safe. We didn’t have anyone there to tell us things, or show us, we figured it out ourselves! We carry those things with us into adulthood, those “skills” and “strengths” we learned! I wish none of us had to learn these things the hard way, how different the world would be if no one suffered through trauma! But we did, we’re still here, still going, still alive! Think about how you might experience, or have some of these abilities I’m going to talk about next!

We often had to be responsible at a very early age: too early. I’ve talked about how I took care of my chronically ill mom from a very early age, raised my sister, even took care of my dad at times. I cooked, cleaned house, I was a little adult. I got a more positive response from my parents if I behaved this way. I taught myself to read early, I read way above my grade level. I loved using “big” words to show off! Those of us who had to do this learned responsibility early, we problem solved and “stepped up” when it was needed. The value that this holds for us as adults is that we take responsibility seriously. Often we can be responsible parents, partners, employees, and friends. That commitment means something to us, when we say we’ll do something, we mean it, and follow through. Now as adults, the challenge for us is to not take care of everyone and everything, we have to step back and let others take care of themselves. We want to be the rescuers, the caretakers, but we have to temper that wanting to “step up” against a greater cost to ourselves. We can be givers; we just can’t give away everything! At home, we can delegate household chores and duties. Same thing at work, delegate and say no when you might want to take on too much. I said yes to every project and task in the past, and that left me overwhelmed and not able to do anything well! We can learn to be satisfied doing lots of things as long as we balance out that cost! If it sacrifices our mental, emotional, financial, and physical wellbeing, the cost is too high!

Other “skills” we learned were to be competent and capable! We had to think “on the fly” many times, and we learned to do things on our own. We could also get pretty creative when we needed to be! Since we didn’t have support, we learned not to need anything. We got through things in our own way. That takes brains baby! Think about how many things you were capable of doing. As adults, we can problem solve (even when we feel like we can’t) and somehow we always “find a way” to get things done! I’m just beginning to appreciate this ability in myself, particularly when it comes to work or putting on this podcast! I’m constantly up against things I have no clue about how to do! Technology in particular is a challenge, but I always figure it out! I’ve surprised myself so much in the last year. I’ve also discovered a creative side of me that I didn’t even know existed! For someone who has been disconnected from herself, physically, emotionally, and every other way, I’m beginning to have small moments of relief, happiness, and am celebrating my small and big successes! Think of how you get things done. Do you find a way to just figure it out somehow? I bet ya do!

This seems like a “no-brainer” but we also learn how to function with high levels of either stress, distress, or both! No matter what we “push through” we “soldier on” If we were dealing with traumatic childhoods, we often had this fear of “what’s coming next” or that anticipation of whatever that “next” thing was going to be. We planned ahead, strategized, we prepared! I know as a kid my life was unstable, chaotic, with lots of “moving” pieces, and I was hyper-aware of them all. I never knew what was going to land where, so I prepared for any outcome I could think of. This challenge for me has been that I developed into an over thinker, and over planner. I’m learning how to slow that down a bit! But we are great strategizers, and you really want us on your team! We also have the tendency to bring order to chaos. Think about how those strengths may play out in your life as an adult.

Another really good skill we often learn as survivors of childhood trauma, is how to “read” people. We were always super aware of other people’s moods, body language, reactions, and space. We had to be, the adults in our lives were a big part of the dysfunction and chaos. Being attuned to others was a way to keep ourselves safe. As a kid, I could even sense when there was tension in the air, it was there almost all the time. As adults this can show up as the ability to connect to others. We can carry that even further, and are able to “read the room.” We can assess the general “feel” of a group of people and can rise to whatever circumstance is called for. We are often very empathetic and can sense what others need. This is why many of us who are survivors of trauma want to get into some type of “helping” field. We really “see” people and can pick up on cues that others might miss. For example, I’ll be in the checkout line at the grocery store. I look at the cashier as they check out people in front of me. They might be smiling as they work, but I’ll notice a tenseness around their eyes, or a sigh they give. They might just look tired. When It’s my turn, I always look them in the eye,  say “Hi. How are you?” Are you doing okay? If they say yes, I might say “Are you sure?” That’s when I might get more of a story, I’ve had people break out in tears, they might have just lost someone close to them, or their struggling, whatever it might be. Now I don’t like making people cry, believe me, but sometimes it’s that genuine care and concern that catches them off guard. I have to say this:  Please be nice to the cashiers at your local stores! I’ve been one at a busy grocery store, and it’s not an easy job!! I still have nightmares of seeing long lines in my lane with folks having cart after cart of overflowing items and no one to help bag it all up lol it happened many times! The struggle is real, so be kind to your retailers!

This last one kind of ties in with being able to connect to others. It’s that desire, that want and need to connect with others! It’s hardwired into our DNA to be with others. We often didn’t feel welcome in our own homes as children. We didn’t feel loved, safe, and supported. I know I often felt like a burden, something that had to be “dealt” with, another problem placed on my parents. We are also “doers” and caretakers, we are in service to others. We may not deeply connect with others easily, so when we do, It’s very important to us! We might not totally “get” the whole mutually beneficial idea of a relationship. It’s hard for us to have others do things FOR us or on BEHALF of us. However, because we value these relationships and connections so much, we tend to really understand what inclusion and belonging looks like. We invite others in, create space for them, and make sure they feel valued. Often when we don’t feel like we’ve had a good, healthy, stable family life as children, we look to try and create that for ourselves in some way. When we find out “tribe” we’re home, and we feel that they are our family.

So, look at us!! Finding buried treasure among the ashes! Somehow along the way, in order for us to be able to really see things for what they are, we can find small nuggets of hope. No, we didn’t choose to be traumatized, yes we really have struggled, are still struggling. I know that the anger I had towards my parents and for what happened to me overshadowed everything in my life for years. I wore it like armor I was pissed off, and with good reason. My anger was valid, my parents did a crappy job! They SHOULD have been the adults, they SHOULD have kept me safe, they SHOULD have done lots of things….but they didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t. I can’t change them, they’re gone now. Even if they were still here, nothing I could say or do can change the past. So now, today, it’s up to us to try and do the best we can to help ourselves get better. We have to literally “show up” for our own rescue! No one did it for us in the past, and no one can do it for us now.

We learned that even with all of the bad, we found ways to save ourselves. We found that responsibility and commitment were strengths we learned and carried with us throughout our lives. More strengths we had and still have are that we are smart, competent, and capable people! We figure things out, we get stuff done! We can function with high levels of stress and distress, we push through it as much as we can. We can really “see” people, connect with others in ways that make them feel valued, and appreciated. We know how important it is that people know their worth, and that we show them kindness, compassion, and empathy. Recognizing these strengths in others is easy, it’s much MUCH harder to see them in ourselves! But these things are there in us, maybe buried a little bit, but they are just as real and valid as our feelings and experiences are. We went through awful things, but we survived, we’re here, breathing, living, doing, and just BEING! Once we start chipping away at all of the stuff we’re carrying around, all that pain, hurt, anger, and betrayal, we can start lightening the load, letting go of things, little bits at a time, and releasing what no longer serves any purpose for us in our lives. Healing takes knowledge, understanding, learning new ways to do things, self-care, self-compassion, and a lot of grace! We learn, we apply, we take things one tiny baby step at a time towards giving ourselves that space, that grace that we so deeply need and deserve!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

As we’ve been talking about and discovering some strengths we have:

1.       Being responsible.

2.       Competent.

3.       Capable.

4.       Strength under pressure.

5.       How to “read” people.

6.       Connecting with others.

7.       I’ll give you a freebie-COURAGE- in large amounts!

Let’s take a little deeper look at how these strengths you may have identified help you in your current life. If you felt that none of these resonated with you, I’d like to invite you to think a little more about these strengths and try and apply JUST ONE to your life today! I know you have courage, look at how brave you are showing up for your life every day (It’ll look different each day depending on where your mental, emotional, and physical energies are on that day and that’s perfectly okay!), Look at what you’ve come through, that takes COURAGE!

Let’s start with centering ourselves with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5. Your belly should push out as you inhale. Don’t breathe with your chest moving out. Hold your breath for a count of 1, then slowly exhale out of your mouth to a count of 5. Your belly should move in when you exhale. Your chest should not fall as you breathe out. Do this five times. Listen to the sound of your breath as you slowly inhale and exhale.

This is a short writing exercise.

First, I invite you to write down as many of the strengths we’ve identified that apply to you as possible. This is not meant to and should not feel overwhelming to do. If you can only write one down that’s perfectly fine.

Next, think about the strength or strengths you’ve written down, you understand their purpose in your past, but how do those strengths show up for you now? How does being responsible look for you? How does being competent and capable look for you? How does your courage look to yourself or to others? Write down your impressions, thoughts, and ideas.

Next, if you’d like, think about your “future” self, the you that you’d like to see after some healing has taken place. Who would you be? Where would you be? What would you be doing? What strengths are you using, and how would you be using them?

You can do this exercise all at once, or you can take breaks, it’s completely up to you. It can be really hard to identify our strengths, and how they are showing up in our lives. Part of the healing journey is acknowledging to ourselves that we do have strengths, abilities, and that we can begin to give ourselves some gratitude for everything we’ve learned and accomplished. Our souls need that encouragement, that care, self-love and acceptance.

I hope this exercise something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’m also putting each exercise to beautiful videos and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please, please, please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!