Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 12 and we’re going to talk about attachment styles, what they are, and why they are important!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

So, in the last episode, we talked about strengths we found in ourselves in the midst of living through trauma. So, this week, I thought we’d look at attachment, what that is, and what it looks like. It’s important because our attachment to others is all rooted back to our experiences as children. Back in one of my earliest episodes, I talked about how as newborns, we develop an attachment with our caregivers. We have to, we are completely helpless and dependent on others for all of our needs. How those caregivers RESPOND to us is very important in building that first bond, that attachment. When we’re babies, a secure and loving caregiver will hold us, rock us, comfort us when we cry, speak lovingly to us, smile at us, feed us, change us, and care for us in loving and responsive ways. In this way we learn that these people are safe and will take care of us. We begin to build a secure attachment to those people. It’s that “serve and return” we’ve talked about before, like a tennis match. As babies, we “serve” by reaching out for interaction with smiles, babbling, eye contact, and touch. The caregiver “returns” the serve by speaking back, using a loving touch, laughing, or sharing a toy. When our needs are met, and we are shown love and care, we have the room and the capacity to explore, learn, and grow. We trust that because these caregivers are safe and responsive, our “environment” is too. This is the first foundational building block that almost all of our future relationships are built on. This is like an engine moving our social, emotional, and cognitive (thinking brain) into forward development. These positive interactions also promote a boost of a hormone called Oxytocin which feels good. We repeat those behaviors that give us a reward! We also learn the security of understanding that even if we are separated from our caregivers, they’ll be back, so we don’t get as upset if we are separated from them for a bit. Even as tiny babies, we can often entertain ourselves for a bit even while they’re gone, we’ve learned that they always come back. As adults, this is the kind of attachment we all want. We can form healthy relationships of all kinds with others, but we have confidence in ourselves and our abilities too so we can “stand on our own two feet” so to speak. We also can have good, healthy boundaries with others, we know where we begin and end, and what we will and will not accept from other people! If it’s not good for us, see ya later! So, what can happen when this kind of attachment isn’t present, or doesn’t happen consistently?

If a child’s needs are not met on a consistent basis, this can lead to an “anxious or preoccupied” attachment style. This kind of child doesn’t know what to expect, or when to expect it. They don’t know for example, if they cry, that their caregiver will come to them and care for their needs, both physically and emotionally. So even when their caregiver responds, they often aren’t comforted by them. These children can be clingy and needy, or they can reject their caregiver’s attention, even becoming aggressive at times. They might be very fearful of strangers. As an adult, this can show up as being extremely needy or clingy in relationships. This adult might need constant reassurance from their friends or partner that they won’t leave or abandon them. They don’t often trust others because of this fear of rejection or abandonment. It’s very hard to form healthy relationships with this lack of trust. This also can show up as a lack of being able to set boundaries. This style can tend to be a “people pleaser” so setting a boundary like saying “no” feels scary and brings up that fear of abandonment. This adult also tends to get their feelings of self-worth based on how much they are needed, wanted, and through how much they “do” for or are valued by others. So, the more they are needed, the more they do, the better they feel about themselves. It’s filling yourself up from the “outside in” as opposed to “from the inside out.”

Next there is the “avoidant or dismissive” attachment style. This style tends to develop when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable to a child. They might have taken care of a child’s physical needs, but they were emotionally unavailable. Or the caregivers might have disapproved of or not tolerated any emotional displays from their children. They might have expected the child to “toughen up” or not to be a “crybaby.”  So, this child learns not to need anyone emotionally, and distances themselves, or learns to self sooth. This is the opposite of the anxious-preoccupied style. The key word here is avoid! Avoid at all costs! Avoid feelings and emotions, avoid needing other people. Outwardly, they appear self-confident, fiercely independent, and in control. These adults tend to be fun and can be great to be around as long as things stay “surfacy.” Once things get too deep, emotional, or intimate, they can slam that door shut. This might be when they may end a relationship, they begin to distance themselves, looking for any “escape hatch” or a way out. They may leave a string of broken-hearted former partners behind as they move from relationship to relationship. It’s not that these adults are purposefully mean or unkind, they simply don’t know how to feel, show, or deal with emotions. They were never taught how.

Lastly there is “fearful avoidant” or “disorganized” attachment style. This style can develop when a child has been abused or neglected by their caregivers or experiences trauma. This child looks to their caregivers to take care of their basic needs, but they also fear them because of the abuse and neglect. These children have extremely high levels of anxiety and fear. For these children, they are terrified with no solution, no help, no end in sight. They have no way to deal with the fright they feel so their behavior can look disorganized. For example, they may scream and cry uncontrollably while trying to climb up in their caregiver’s lap. Children can also become completely withdrawn, shut down, have a staring gaze. As adults those with this attachment style can be baffling to others. On the one hand, they have a deep need to be loved and to belong. But that lack of trust, and the fear that they will be hurt by those closest to them keeps them from forming and maintaining relationships. they are always waiting for “the other shoe to drop” waiting for the hurt, pain, and rejection they know will come. They feel unlovable, unworthy, they “don’t deserve anything better.” These adults also have a higher rate of mental health issues, substance use issues, and can seem to others to lack stability in their lives.

So as adults who’ve experienced trauma, we may fit one, or more than one category, or none at all. This is by no means a one size fits all description of the concept of human attachment! I know that for me, I feel like I’m a mix of both the anxious/preoccupied and disorganized/fearful avoidant styles! As a child, what I remember the most was the almost constant fear, the terror I felt every day! I never knew what was going to happen, or when, but something scary almost always did. I couldn’t ever trust my parents to take care of me, or to meet my needs. Because of my mother’s chronic illness, my dad being abusive, the substance use, the frequent moves from state to state, and a thousand other things I had no stability. I was so scared but craved my parents’ attention. The way I found that I could get at least some was by being a little adult. In order to gain control when I felt I had none was to become a grown-up. I cared for my mom, told her what to do, when to rest, take her meds, eat, and that I’d take care of things. I mean I remember being 6 years old, sitting my mom down, and telling her that she needed to divorce my dad, that we’d be fine, I’d get a job and earn money! In my 6-year-old brain this made complete sense to me!  I’d get some approval from my dad by cleaning the house, doing dishes, taking care of mom, cooking. I knew if I did those things, maybe we’d get some relief, maybe he’d lay off mom for an evening. As an adult, my relationships have been difficult to say the least! As a teen I was very sexually active and raped several times. I needed to be needed, even if it was just temporary. I always went for the “bad boy” types, I was attracted to their “dark sides.” The more dangerous, the better. There were several times during those years, really nice guys wanted to go out with me. I would go out with them for a bit, but when things started getting a bit too “lovey dovey” I dropped them like a bad habit! If anyone was too demonstrative, or loving, or just too NICE to me, it felt smothering, like I was suffocating.  I ended up in a relationship with an extremely abusive man at a very early age. I was attracted to his neediness, I felt that if I loved him enough, I could fix him. That doesn’t work, you can’t “love” anyone’s behavior out of them. I was always looking unconsciously for ways to fill those giant gaping holes inside of myself. I’m a fixer, a caregiver, and have been working all my life to try and fix everyone else…. except myself.  I’ve been married for a long time, but that certainly hasn’t been without some major issues over the years too. Later, I became a workaholic, at one point I had 3 full time jobs! I was moving as fast as I could, again unconsciously, to outrun my trauma. I thought I’d dealt with it; it wasn’t a problem. But no matter what we do, at some point trauma is going to tap us on the shoulder with a big ol’ “Hey remember me? I’m back!”   I’ve really been in the process of working on myself only for the last few years…finally! In trying to help others and in learning about Trauma Informed Care principals, it completely changed how I view others, the world, and myself.

In learning about different aspects of trauma, what it is, what it does, and how it can shape us in every way, we can use that knowledge in order to heal. We have to know it, understand it, and forgive ourselves for whatever it was we did and needed to do in order to survive. We developed ways to deal, get by, get through it. We had to keep going, even when we felt like we couldn’t. We all have things or beings that need us, so we keep going. I’ve had stretches where I couldn’t get out of bed, and I NEEDED to do that at that time. It’s still a struggle some days, but eventually, I flip the covers off and get my feet on the floor! Talking with you, and so many people have reached out to me either because of my podcast, or through my websites, social media pages or my YouTube channel, has been really good for me too! I’m right there on this journey with you every step of the way. We learn, grow, and heal together. We forgive, and give ourselves that grace, self-care, and compassion we didn’t get from others. We have to care for ourselves first-I know it can be a hard thing to do it can feel wrong or even selfish! The Oxygen Mask Theory really puts this into perspective. Consider this situation: you are on a plane, and it’s taken a nosedive: the plane has descended in altitude and as you reach for your oxygen mask, you notice that the person next to you is having trouble putting on theirs. You have 2 choices to make in the next 2 seconds: help the other person or put on your mask. Though it may seem harsh to hear, the option that would help both individuals is for you to put on your mask and once having done that, you can help the person next to you. The alternative wouldn’t work because you can’t help someone if you’re incapacitated, or worse! So, in order to help others, we have to help ourselves first! It’s not SELFISH it’s absolutely NECESSARY!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This exercise we’re going to do together, stimulates your Vagus Nerve. The Vagus Nerve is the 10th cranial nerve and is a very important part of our parasympathetic nervous system. This is our survival system and is what runs the show when we’re in survival mode.  It’s the longest nerve in our body and supplies our organs and brain with vital information. It controls things like our heart rate, digestion, lung function, swallowing, even bladder control. It also affects our mental health and stimulating it has been shown to reduce anxiety, depression, even post traumatic stress symptoms. When stimulated the Vagus Nerve increases our Vagal Tone and has been shown to slow down our heart rate, breathing, and calms our nervous system down. Studies have shown a connection between a high vagal tone and positive emotions!

What we always start with is our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Slowly exhale out of your mouth to a count of five, your belly should naturally fall in as you exhale. Do this five times.

Next, we are going to gently, very gently massage our Vagus Nerve. How we start is by finding our trapezius muscle which is the muscle just above your shoulder. So, feel where your shoulder ends and that muscle begins. It shouldn’t feel hard like the bone. It’s a little towards the back of your neck. Take a minute and find that spot where the shoulder bone stops, and that muscle begins. Do this for both sides of your neck. Then gently run your fingers up both sides of your neck going up towards your hairline, even up behind the ears. You could use oil to help your hands move more easily if you like, maybe something soothing like lavender oil. Gently run your hands up and down this area, up and down your neck until you begin to feel some relaxation or relief. You can also focus solely on the area behind your ears. Place your fingertips gently on the area behind your ears. Then pull the skin gently up, and down. Your fingers aren’t sliding over your skin, your fingertips should be flat on your skin, and you are moving the skin gently up and down. You can place two fingers in front of your ears as well, so your last 2 fingers can be in front of your ears, the middle and first fingers behind and gently pull up, and down. Do this for as long as you feel comfortable, or until you feel some relaxation or relief.

When you’re ready, you can finish up with a few more rounds of mindful belly breathing if you’d like. How do you feel? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, and relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’m also putting each exercise to beautiful videos and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please, please, please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com. Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!