Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 13 and we’re going to talk about my “Swiss cheese theory on trauma! Sounds silly but it’ll make sense in a minute!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last episode, we talked about different attachment styles, what they are, how they can happen and just how much they can affect our ability to form relationships throughout our lives. Those attachments, or LACK of attachments to our caregivers as children really impacts how we find, create, and maintain relationships as adults. It makes sense right? If we aren’t able to depend on the adults in our lives to provide for us physically and emotionally, and keep us safe, or if they hurt us, it’s going to make a huge difference in how we see other people. We’re afraid, we don’t trust, we can be suspicious of what other people’s motives are, we question what they “want” from us. Why do they want to get close to us, what are they after? They couldn’t possibly like or want us based on who WE ARE as a person! We can lack self-confidence and boundaries, so when others begin to try and form any kind of relationship with us, we’re on guard, our alert systems are up, warning us. Don’t get me wrong, lots of us crave that closeness, that connection, but we’re scared to death of rejection, abandonment, and of having to deal with another loss when it doesn’t work out.

Those of us with a trauma history, especially if we had trauma in childhood, have many needs that weren’t “met” by our caregivers. Maybe we weren’t physically cared for, we didn’t get enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and other things. Emotionally, we might have been neglected, our caregivers didn’t respond when we needed them, when we needed love, comforting, reassurance, safety, and positive reinforcement, we didn’t get it. Maybe we were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by them. Without supportive, responsive, consistent, caring, safe people in our lives as children, we have so many different needs that weren’t met. We have these huge, gaping holes inside of us and we carry those holes with us into adulthood.

In order to explain trauma and its impacts when I was teaching classes at a domestic violence shelter I worked at, I came up with an idea to explain it. Visualization or creating a mental picture is a great way to relate an idea, especially for those of us with trauma, and for those of us with brain injury.

So, this is my “Swiss cheese” theory on trauma I mentioned. For those of us with traumatic histories, that trauma we experienced leaves us full of holes, like Swiss cheese. Those holes represent all of the things we didn’t get and needed desperately. So throughout our lives, we are constantly looking for ways to fill up those holes. It doesn’t matter if it’s good for us or even makes sense, we grab onto whatever we can to make us feel better. It could be food, sex, relationships, drugs, alcohol, spending money we don’t have. We could become workaholics. We could develop eating disorders, self-harm behaviors. We can become completely consumed by being caregivers: taking care of everyone else and we can often get pulled into other people’s drama. Remember I said that the ways we find to fill those holes doesn’t have to make sense or be good for us! We are reaching for whatever we can to fill those holes, even if it’s only temporary. When we do this, we are trying to fill ourselves up from the outside in. Let me tell you, this will never work as a long-term solution! The only way to make real, lasting change and fill those holes up for good is to fill ourselves up from the inside out, I’ll say it again The only way to make real, lasting change and fill those holes up for good is to fill ourselves up from the inside out! It sucks, we have to do the work on ourselves in order to make changes that are real and will help us heal.

In my life, I filled those holes with so much garbage: it really is “garbage in garbage out!” As a teen it was sex, drugs, alcohol, defying my parents, defying any system I was a part of! I went through relationship after relationship, eventually ending up with an extremely abusive man. I was set up to be sucked in by him. As I’ve mentioned before, I was attracted to the “bad boys” the partiers, the rebels, the lawbreakers, the darker and edgier, the better. I was attracted to his neediness, his drama.

Later on in my life, I became a workaholic. My worth was defined by how long and hard I worked, how much I did, how much I took on. I had no self-identity, I had never really had the opportunity to find out just who I really was, what I liked or what I didn’t like. I would take on new things, projects, or hobbies. I would do them or try them for a short time, then abandon them, never to start them again. I had absolutely no idea who I was myself, as opposed to being someone’s employee, daughter, wife, or mother.  I was unconsciously, always looking for the next thing, the next anything I could use to fill those holes up to try and feel whole somehow. I wasn’t a very present parent; I didn’t really know how. I knew that I set out to never be like my parents were, but I failed at that in many ways. I think that both of my children had a completely different experience from me as a mother. My intentions were good, but I’d never been exposed to what “good” parenting looked like. It hurts, but it’s true. If my daughter ever hears this, know that I’m sorry, and I understand that I wasn’t the kind of mom you needed. I love you and can only be the person I am now, and if I could change the past, I so would…

I spent my teen and adult years trying to outrun my past, but it always comes crashing down on you at some point. I went through dozens of therapists, counselors, support groups, and medications over the years. When I began learning about trauma informed care which is “what happened to you” as opposed to “what’s wrong with you” my thought process changed. I began and still do to use what I was learning about trauma and applying it to myself. Filling myself up from the inside out has taken different forms. I’ve had to deal with lots of invalidation from others over the years. I’ve tried “just getting over it” I’ve tried “just being positive” I’ve tried “just being happy” I’ve tried “belief in a higher power” I’ve tried “positive affirmations” I feel like I’ve tried everything! These things haven’t worked for me. I’m sure they do for many and if it’s worked for you that’s great! I’m glad! Typically, getting over trauma and building resiliency isn’t like flipping a switch or just bouncing back. It’s not a destination or just returning to normal and it’s not just something we can assume everyone can be. For those of us with trauma histories we’ve created those well-worn neural pathways that create automatic responses and behaviors. It’s not something we can just change or stop! Those grooves in our brains are deep and it takes action, practice, and repetition to build new pathways in order to change things.

I have learned to understand what my body and brain are telling me. I tell people my brain is “special” and it is due to trauma impacts and brain injury. I give 100 percent every day, but sometimes 100 percent for me is 10 percent or less, and that’s okay! I’ve learned to “practice the pause” and what that looks like is stopping for a moment and thinking things through before I respond. This could either be in a conversation, an email, if I’m asked a question, any situation that requires a response from me. I used to just respond immediately to things, and sometimes it didn’t work out too well. In a conversation, or if I’m asked a question I might say “let me think about that, and I’ll get back to you.” Or I’ll just stop, I might say “hmmm,” pause, think it through, then reply. It’s okay to do that! If I get an email, even an urgent one, I’ll read it several times, think about what I want to say, craft a reply, make sure it says what I want it to say, then when I’m satisfied, I send it. Again, perfectly okay! Take your time! Unless it’s literally a life-or-death matter, take a moment and think things through before you respond! We may get the feeling something is that critical, but usually it’s not. It’s our brains lying to us again, coming onto high alert mode, survival mode, when we’re really not in danger!

Breathing exercises, specifically the mindful belly breathing I walk us through before almost every exercise has been important for me too. Mindfully slowing down my breathing during the day when I need it really calms me and helps me refocus.

I have learned that body-based or somatic exercises work really well for me. That’s one of the reasons I use them often in my exercise portion of my podcast. Finding ways to connect myself to my body and surroundings has been really helpful. Something that I initially thought was silly, tapping, has also been very helpful! I use an app called “The Tapping Solution” which is guided short exercises where you tap on certain points (there are 9 main points) while saying a short sentence out loud. I felt weird trying it at first, but it really works for me!

Knowledge was the first key, understanding that I wasn’t a “bad” person, or that I was wrong somehow for all of the things I did in my life in order to survive. I was behaving, responding, and reacting according to what I knew, based on my trauma history and experiences. We don’t know what we don’t know, and while that sounds like a “well duh” moment, it isn’t really. Until we understand that what we’ve been through has changed our bodies and brains in a very real way, we can’t even begin to know how to or what to do to make things better, to make ourselves and our lives better. Then we can forgive ourselves and begin to release those things we carry that no longer serve us. Picture yourself holding a big bunch of balloons. Then as you let go of these things that no longer serve you, imagine releasing a balloon. Watch it float away up into the sky. It’s gone now. We can start by letting go of those heavy things, one balloon, one tiny baby step at a time!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

As I mentioned tapping, I thought it might be a good idea to introduce you to the idea of tapping. This exercise will be a bit longer than what we typically do but I’m hopeful that you’ll find it helps! Tapping is also known as EFT or Emotional Freedom Techniques and combines the principles of modern psychology and Chinese acupressure. During a tapping session, you focus on whatever is causing you stress or discomfort while at the same time, gently tapping with your fingers on a specific set of points on the body. Tapping on these points sends calming signals to the brain letting it know it’s safe to relax.

The first point in any tapping sequence is the side of the hand or Karate Chop point and it’s found along the fleshy, narrow side of the hand on the side of the pinky finger. It is found on both the left and right hands, between the base of the pinky finger and the wrist. It is often referred to as the Karate Chop point because this is the part of the hand that you would use to deliver a karate chop. You can tap on either hand, using the opposite hand to do the tapping. Try using several fingers from the opposite hand to tap on this point.

The next is the eyebrow and this point is where your hair begins on the inner part of your eyebrow, right on the bone there. It is found on both sides of the body, on both the left and the right brow bone. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is the Side of the Eye so from the Eyebrow point, follow that ridge of bone from your eyebrow down to the side of the eye to find this point. Note that the Side of the Eye point is not located in the indent that is your temple; you’ll want to stay on top of the bone instead. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is Under the eye. From the Side of the Eye Tapping point, follow that ridge of bone once again to come under your eye. This point is found directly under the eye, on either side of the body. You can tap on both sides at once, pick just one side of the body, or alternate sides as you go along. Try using just a few fingers, like the index and middle fingers, to tap on this point.

Next is Under the nose. This point is found in the space between your nose and upper lip. As it is a small area, try using just a few fingers (like the index and middle fingers) to reach this point for Tapping.

Next is Under the mouth. Also called the chin point (CP), this point is found in the crease between your chin and bottom lip. As it is a small area, try using just a few fingers (like the index and middle fingers) to reach this point for Tapping.

Next is collarbone. Starting from where your collarbones meet in the center (at the base of that U-shape), go down one inch and out one inch to either side to get to the Collarbone point. This Tapping point is found on both the left and right sides of the body. You can tap with a few fingers on either side of the body to stimulate this point. Alternatively, try taking your whole hand and tapping the entire hand across the place where a bowtie would lie. That allows you to easily stimulate this point on both sides at once without having to worry about the exact location of the point.

Next is Under the arm. This point is located on your side, about four inches (or one hand’s width) below the armpit. That is about where a bra strap lies. It is found on both the left and right sides of the body. The easiest way to stimulate this point is to use all your fingers, or your whole hand, to tap on the side of the body under your arm.

The last point is the Top of the Head. This point is right on the center of the top of your head, at the crown. Simply tap your hand or your fingertips at the very top of your head to stimulate this Tapping point.

If you’d like to try an exercise now, we will begin with a simple one to calm anxiety. To start:

• Identify the problem on which you want to focus. It can be general anxiety, or it can be a specific situation or issue which causes you to feel anxious.
• Consider the problem or situation. How do you feel about it right now? Rate the intensity level of your anxiety on a scale of 0 to 10, with zero being the lowest level of anxiety and ten being the highest.
• Compose a setup statement. Your setup statement should acknowledge the problem you want to deal with, then follow it with a phrase of acceptance. This helps neutralize judgements you have around how you feel and allow you to be more honest with your Tapping.
• Setup statement examples: "Even though I feel this anxiety, I accept how I feel" "Even though I'm anxious about my interview, I accept myself and how I feel." "Even though I'm feeling this anxiety about my financial situation, I honor my feelings and give my body permission to relax. "

·         With four fingers on one hand, begin tapping the Karate Chop point on your other hand. The Karate Chop point is on the outer edge of the hand, on the opposite side from the thumb.

·         Repeat the setup statement three times aloud, while simultaneously tapping the Karate Chop point. Now take a deep breath.

·         Now, tap about 5 to 7 times each on the remaining eight points in the sequence described below. As you tap on each point, repeat a simple reminder phrase, such as "my anxiety" or "my interview" or "my financial situation" to help you mentally focus on your issue.

• From the side of your hand, move to
• Eyebrow Point (EB)

Where the eyebrows begin, closest to the bridge of the nose.

• Side of Eye (SE)

On the bone directly along the outside of either eye.

• Under Eye (UE)

On the bone directly under either eye.

• Under Nose (UN)

The area directly beneath the nose and above the upper lip.

• Chin Point (CP)

This is the area just below your bottom lip and above the chin, right in the crease.

• Collarbone Point (CB)

Starting from where your collar bones meet in the center, go down an inch and out an inch on either side.

• Under Arm (UA)

On your side, about four inches beneath the armpit.

• Top of Head (TH)

Directly on the crown of your head.

• And take another deep breath!

Now that you've completed the sequence, focus on your problem again. How intense is the anxiety now, in comparison to a few minutes ago? Give it a rating on the same 0 to 10 scale. Did you notice a shift?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!