Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 15 and we’re going to talk about the fact “that we don’t know what we don’t know!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

So, we’ve been talking in past episodes about things like attachment styles, how they form and how they can affect not only our relationships with others, but ourselves as well! Today I wanted to talk about the fact that “we don’t know what we don’t know.” Another “well duh” moment I know but bear with me here! This is in the context of being raised in a toxic, dysfunctional, and /or abusive family by caregivers who didn’t teach us things, things we needed to know!

I’ve described children before as “little sponges” and it’s so true. We learn everything from our caregivers. We watch them, listen to them in every regard. These are the people we live with; they are supposed to care for us, guide us, love us, teach us, and support us so that when we grow up, we know how to not only navigate in the world, but navigate through our own personal experiences. Those may be things like handling and dealing with emotions, dealing with setbacks, disappointments, loss, creating, developing, and maintaining relationships with people, and other challenges life can throw at you. If we’re taught how to deal with these things, we can see situations for what they are, formulate a plan, deal with it, and move forward. Things might stop us, but we can find a way forward and can be more resilient.

However, if you grew up in a household like I did, full of dysfunction, instability, abuse, addiction, and chaos, what you DO know and don’t know can look very, very different!

I did learn a couple of useful things from my parents. My mom was very loving, very demonstrative. There were lots of hugs, cuddling and I love you’s, so I learned to be loving, and show that to others. From my dad, I learned to work hard, and I’ve always worked hard. He went to work every day, if he missed a day and that was very rarely, like if he was really sick, I thought he must be dying to be home from work! So those are positives, right? But even these lessons I learned got “skewed.” My relationship with my mother was completely enmeshed, and our roles were reversed. I parented her, not the other way around. I learned that love often came with a painful cost. For my dad, work completely absorbed him to the exclusion of everything else. I did that too, at one point working 3 fulltime jobs, not at all healthy for either me or my kids!

The behavior my parents modeled for me, and my sister was so toxic. With my mom so sick all of the time, and my dad gone travelling a lot, when they were around each other, they were either fighting, silent, or carrying huge balls of resentment around with them. The air was so tense, I was always waiting for the blow up that I knew would come. They didn’t enjoy each other’s company. They could “fake it” if they had to, say in front of friends, or any of my dad’s business associates, but I knew it wasn’t real. When they argued literally every night, I don’t remember what it was about, but my dad was usually drunk, and my mom would be crying. There were never any calm discussions, no “here’s a problem that we have, let’s talk it out and try to find a solution.” My mother told me so often “let’s not tell your dad about this” so we became secret keepers. I learned that open, honest communication wasn’t safe, wasn’t “allowed.” And showing emotions? That was trouble too. If I got upset, or cried, I was told to stop it, quit it. There was no help or relief for me in dealing with the constant terror, hurt, sadness, and anger that I felt as a child. We all held on to our anger and resentment with each other. My parents held grudges against each other. They would snipe at each other, with little passive aggressive comments, making references to arguments, or pointing out each other’s many “faults.” This was especially true of my dad towards my mom, his behavior towards her told me he felt she wasn’t “good enough” didn’t “measure up” to how he thought a wife should be. She reinforced this in me by telling me constantly that everything was my dad’s fault, she was totally the victim and martyr. Yes, she was very sick, but her behavior was just as wrong as his was, but at the time, this only made me HATE my father, and become even more protective of her. At one point, I think I was maybe 7 at the time, she went into the “hospital” for about 4 months. It wasn’t like all of the other hospitals she’d been to before. I remember when my dad took me to see her, we met outside on the grounds. We never went inside to see her. I didn’t understand why she wasn’t in a room with a bed, on the floor of a regular hospital. I also didn’t understand why she was gone for so long. I remember on one visit; she had made me a “book end” it was the head of a horse, and she gave it to me. Later I found out that this was a mental hospital. My parents never, even as an adult, told me the real reason she was there. My mother told me when she got out that it was my dad who wanted to get her away from him, that’s why he put her there. My dad once vaguely alluded to it being her addiction to meds that landed her there. While she was there, my dad still had to travel for work, so we had a succession of “caregivers” that came to stay and care for me while he was gone. They were ALL horrible, ignored me, spanked me, and were abusive in other ways.

That weird secret keeping came out in other ways too. At around this same time, we had a dog, an Afghan Hound named Samarus or Sammy for short. Sammy was out of control, she was big and jumped on everyone who came over scratching them, nipping them. She was my dad’s dog and only responded to him. One time when he was gone, my mom went to gently move Sammy over on her bed so she could go to sleep. Sammy reached out and ripped my mother’s upper lip area, the area between the nose and upper lip completely in half. There’s a big artery network there, and she bled like crazy, I had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She got a lot of stitches, I remember. My dad came home and that Saturday morning, he put Sammy’s leash on her to take her out. I asked him what he was doing. He said that he found a new home for Sammy, that she was going to a farm where she’d have lots of room to run. Made sense to me at the time, but I don’t think that’s what happened. Again, even as an adult when I’d ask my dad about it, he never told the truth.

Dealing with death and grief was another big area where not dealing was the norm. Death is tragic, and horrible no matter what, and is a very difficult thing for anyone to handle. When first my sister, then a month later my grandfather died, there was no “coming together” no shared grieving between my parents and myself. We all spun off into our own separate worlds. We didn’t comfort each other, we didn’t talk about it, we didn’t remember the good things about them that we missed. We NEVER talked about it with each other, ever. It was this great big giant 800 lb gorilla in the room that we all ignored. Our lives were never the same after that and it propelled me fast forward into an angry, rebellious, drug-and-alcohol-induced nightmare through my teen years into adulthood. It’s only really in the last couple of years that I can look at pictures, particularly of my sister Erin, and not fall apart, even though it’s been 46 years since she died. I still miss her so much and wonder what kind of person she might have been. It’s okay for me to remember, to miss her, and remember the good times we had, and how much she meant to me.

My parents also never taught me how to do much of anything in a practical sense. I learned how to cook, clean, and do laundry on my own, I did watch my mom cook some, but lots of meals were TV dinners for me on a TV tray in front of the TV. The only way I learned to do things was by reading directions, and just figuring stuff out as I went along.

I was also never taught boundaries.  When I was a kid, I remember my dad wore this big gold ring with a flat head. I would be watching TV in the living room, and he would come over and just thunk me hard on the head with that damn ring for no reason, and it hurt. I would tell him to stop, and that it hurt, but he didn’t. He did that all the time. He would also think it was funny to come over and start tickling me hard, on my ribcage, behind my knees, under my arms. It hurt, wasn’t funny and I would tell him to stop, but he wouldn’t, he kept it going, even when I got scared because it was too rough. I would start crying, then he’d get disgusted and make some comment that he was only playing. It didn’t feel like fun or playing to me. So, my voice, my feelings, my opinions, were never respected. I was never “heard.” I also had no privacy. I was never allowed to shut the door of my room. If I did, either my mom or more often my dad would just burst in asking me what I was doing, like I was doing something wrong. Even as a teen, my dad would just randomly burst in on me.

I was never taught how to be held accountable for my actions. As a little kid, my constant fear would lead to temper tantrums. My Dad would either throw me in an ice-cold shower or spank me hard with a hairbrush. But as I got bigger, there were “threats” of punishment but never any follow through. As a teen when my out-of-control behavior spiraled into the stratosphere, I knew they might be mad at me, but there wasn’t anything they could or WOULD do to stop my behavior. Once the yelling was over, it was over, and I just went back to doing what I wanted to do.

So, what this all means is that if we weren’t shown or taught things like boundaries, respect, self-worth, self-confidence, trust, healthy relationships, accountability, how to experience and deal with emotions, how to experience and handle conflict, or loss, HOW CAN WE EXPECT OURSELVES to know these things? If we didn’t have healthy people around to teach us, to model good behavior, to show us the way, we aren’t GOING to know it! We learn survival strategies, mal-adaptive or unhealthy ways to deal with things or cope. We do whatever we need to do in order to survive, to get by in life. Unfortunately, we drag those unhealthy ways of dealing with things right along with us into adulthood. Then when we react and respond in certain ways, we get angry with ourselves, we self-blame, self-shame. We compare ourselves to others “look at them, they went through XYZ, and they function well, why can’t I??” We can’t ever truly know what another person has had to do in order to get to where they are, and it’s completely unfair for us to judge ourselves against someone else. They also might outwardly seem okay, but behind closed doors it could be a whole other story! Maybe they had a healthy person or professional intervene somewhere in their lives, and that helped them move forward. If we didn’t have that, we aren’t going to just be able to magically think ourselves into making the changes we want to see in our lives. It takes learning, gaining knowledge, finding what works for US, then putting these things into practice, and doing the hard, sometimes really messy and painful work in order to heal. There is no magic wand, if there was, we’d all be fine!!

When we learn new things about what the trauma in our lives has done to us, we can begin to change that idea of “we don’t know what we don’t know” into “well, now I know some things, and I can use this new knowledge.” How we use that knowledge is completely up to us, we can take that helpless feeling we’ve had and start by putting some new things in place for ourselves, new ways of thinking and understanding. We can take back some of that power and gain some control over ourselves, which then spills over into our lives. This takes forgiving ourselves and then giving ourselves some grace, lots of self-care, self- love, and acceptance. If we know better, we DO better, right?  We did the best we could with what we knew at the time, but now we can make changes TODAY, one tiny baby step at a time!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

The exercises I’d like to invite you to try are called Havening techniques. Havening techniques use touch to generate delta waves in our brain. Increasing the delta waves in our brains can reduce anxiety and can change the way our brain functions. This technique is particularly helpful if you are experiencing a “trigger” or are having anxiety. You can also use the soft havening touch along with sound, like humming a short, familiar song like “happy birthday” or another familiar song of your choosing.

I’d like to invite you to rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the absolute best you can be, and 1 being the absolute worst you can be. If you need to write down that number you rated yourself, you can.

You can do these exercises either with your eyes open or closed, it’s up to you. If you have your eyes open, have them rest on something, maybe a wall, a picture, whatever you choose.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I’d like to invite you to picture in your mind, a soothing, calm image. It could be anything, a place, a situation, a person, whatever image you picture that feels calm or soothing for you. My image is always a white sandy beach at the ocean, somewhere tropical, the sun is shining, blue water, waves gently lapping on the shore.

Hold this image in your mind, continue with your mindful belly breathing…

To begin the havening exercise, we rub the palms of our hands against each other. In a relaxed way, not with your hands stretched out tightly, gently rub the palms of your hands together. This could be a back-and-forth movement, or you could rub your palms together, going one way only. You can use either hand to do this. This could look like your left palm facing up, and with your right-hand palm facing down, place it gently on your left palm right where your wrist meets your hand. Gently move your right hand over your left palm, from that starting point to the ends of your fingers. Repeat that movement for about 20 seconds or as long as you’d like.

Next, we’re going to cross our arms over and against our body, like we are hugging ourselves. Our hands should be on our shoulders with our arms crossed over our chest. This is a relaxed self-hug; your arms should be relaxed against your body and your hands should be relaxed as they lay on your shoulders. Next, gently run your hands down over your upper arms, starting from your shoulders, down to your elbows. The line you follow is the natural part of your upper arm that’s there with your arms crossed. When you reach the elbow area, place your hands back on your shoulders, and again move your hands down to that elbow area. It’s a gentle downward movement, picking your hands up when you reach the elbow area, moving them again to your shoulders, moving your hands down your upper arms. Do this for about 30 seconds or as long as you’d like. Think about the feeling, the connection of the gentle sensation of your hands running over your arms. If you’d like to, you can hum that short familiar song I mentioned before while doing this movement. It could be happy birthday, or anything else familiar to you.

Whenever you’re ready, come back to your mindful belly breathing. Do as many rounds of it as you’d like to. I’d like to invite you to go back to our scale and rate your level of anxiety now, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the absolute best you can be, and 1 being the absolute worst you can be. Did your new number show an improvement in your anxiety level? Did you notice a shift? If you didn’t, don’t be discouraged. If this is new to you, and you find it helpful in any way, practicing it and using it when you are feeling triggered or anxious will make it easier to do, and easier to notice if it works for you.

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!