Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 16 and we’re going to talk about what boundaries are, and why they are so important!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last episode, we talked about what happens to us when we don’t have healthy caregivers or people around us as we’re growing up to show us things, teach us, and guide us, so that we learn healthy ways to navigate through life. I briefly talked about boundaries but felt that this was an important enough topic to go into further. Many of us that grew up in toxic, dysfunctional, abusive, and chaotic surroundings, most likely were never taught or had modeled for us, any boundaries at all let alone healthy ones! Boundaries are so important to our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. Personal boundaries are something we set for ourselves. It comes from knowing what we will and will NOT accept and tolerate from others. For example, we might decide that we won’t accept another person putting us down. It’s also a way to find and define where we begin and end, and where others begin and end.

Boundaries are what we set as the limits for ourselves as to what is acceptable behavior. These are healthy physical, emotional, and mental health limits that we set with others so that we can take care of our OWN needs, while also respecting the needs of others. Having strong boundaries allows us to create an appropriate level of distance between ourselves and those around us, while still allowing us to remain emotionally connected, so that we don’t become overwhelmed or taken advantage of. Boundaries give us the chance to step back when needed and focus on our own needs instead of trying to take on the worries and concerns of everyone around us. It simply means having clear expectations about how far your relationships will go and what kind of behavior is acceptable (and unacceptable).

In having a trauma history, when people, things, and circumstances feel overwhelming, survival mode is where we go automatically. If you don’t feel safe with those around you, expressing feelings, opinions, emotions, and needs is the LAST thing you want to do! In order to avoid conflict or any issue that might make us feel unsafe, we learn to put other’s needs ahead of our own.

Another aspect of having lived experience with trauma is that we may not even know what we want or need for ourselves. We have no idea how to set limits, not only for others, but for ourselves. In my last episode, I talked about how my relationship with my mother was enmeshed. What this means is that it’s a dysfunctional emotional “entanglement” and it’s very different from a close, loving parent/child relationship. A healthy parent/child relationship is based on healthy emotional boundaries, mutual respect, and cooperation. An enmeshed relationship blurs the lines of boundaries in all respects. In my relationship with my mother, I was her parent, her caregiver starting when I was very little. She treated me like her best friend and confidant. I was her emotional support, and she asked for my advice and opinions on things that were way too grown-up for any child to really understand. She also often told me that I was the only reason she was still alive, so it became my full-time job to make sure she stayed that way! What a lot of pressure to put on a child! This led to tons of guilt for me when she passed away at 52. I was in my early 30’s at that time and I still felt I had failed her; I couldn’t save her. My father also never respected me, or my “personal” even physical space. So, no boundaries for me!

Another aspect of boundary setting is setting them for ourselves in relation to how we deal with others. A good example of this is oversharing personal information with other people. I used to do this all the time! I would meet someone and all of a sudden, my whole life story would pour out, typically with the other person heading for the hills never to be heard from again! Our voices were never heard in our past, and we have this deep need to be seen, heard, and validated. So, we often “give” away too much of ourselves before we even know if this person is safe, or trustworthy. This took a lot of work on my part personally. This is an example of a weak boundary. Those of us with weak boundaries seek acceptance and approval from others first as a way to measure ourselves, and gain self-worth. We often “go along with the crowd” and echo other’s opinions and mimic their behaviors. We take abuse and disrespect because we feel we don’t deserve any better. We try to “fix” others we believe it’s our job to take care of everyone else, except ourselves. These are survival-based behaviors, and it’s perfectly understandable behavior based on our past trauma and learning history!

Some of us can also go to the other extreme because of our hurt and trauma. We create very rigid and tough boundaries, like huge thick walls that no one can get through! We create these boundaries to protect ourselves from being hurt and disappointed again. So, we don’t trust anyone and don’t let anyone get close to us or really know us. We push people away, we might try and control other people, we don’t really listen to or hear other’s viewpoints, we feel detached, adrift, alone, and we wonder WHY we can connect with others! As trauma survivors, many of us have an “all or nothing” or “black or white” thinking. It’s either one way or the other, there is no “in between” no “shades of grey.” You’re either in or you’re out!

Any relationship, or connection whether it’s a business relationship, potential romantic partner, friend, even family, has to develop in a way that’s safe. Relationships are created in layers. It’s a kind of dance. When you meet someone, there’s usually an exchange of polite conversation, and people definitely “check each other out” we take in everything about another person. Then based on each other’s responses, reactions, body language, and the impressions you get from each other, maybe the conversation could go a bit deeper, say if you find out you have shared interests. Then, maybe you make plans to meet them for coffee or just hang out. Then as you get to know someone more, you might both begin opening up to each other gradually. True connection with another person takes time, people have to get to know each other and that’s a healthy process. This goes for romantic relationships in a big way too. There is a huge difference between an “attraction” and building a connection with someone else! So, we have to remember in beginning to set boundaries, we have to build them for ourselves as well, so we can protect ourselves, and keep ourselves from being taken advantage of.

 

We have to find that “balance” within ourselves, that space where we can be open to creating connections with others in a healthy way. Think of a boundary like a fence with a gate. Everything inside the fence is what you like and want to embrace in your life. Outside of the fence is everything you don’t like or want in your life. The gate gives you flexibility. Those things or people that you decide to let in the gate are your choice. This honors things like changing relationships, different circumstances, and where you are in life. Very rigid fencing can lead to isolation, while weak fencing can lead to “trespassing.”

I know all of this information can feel overwhelming! This happens step by step. Think of one thing to start with that is the most important thing for you. If another person crosses over your fence, without you letting them in the gate, how does that make you feel? A big boundary for me is respect! I deserve to be respected, and for me that means being listened to, heard, and being involved in open, honest communication with another. If I tell someone something particularly if it’s important to me, and I feel that the other person is distracted, or not listening to me, it can be upsetting. I certainly take into account the circumstances. If it’s in a business, or public setting, a lack of focus and being distracted are understandable. My boundary can be flexible. But if it’s a conversation with a family member or a friend without those distractions, and I’m not heard, that’s not okay with me!

So, what does setting boundaries look like? The first one, and it’s a BIG one, is learning how to say no when you need and want to and recognizing your own limits. For those of us with a trauma history, saying no can feel like the world’s going to end! We also tend to catastrophize, which is that we imagine the worst possible outcome! We just can’t get that little word out; our mind may be screaming to us “no! say no!” but we just can’t say it. Remember, no is a complete sentence! Saying no to a person, situation, event, task, project, whatever it might be, is PERFECTLY OKAY and NECESSARY! We are also not only allowed to say no, but we don’t have to explain ourselves or justify it to anyone! Also, if we say no, someone else might not agree with our decision or may not be happy about it, but that’s okay too! Sounds terrifying right? We can have this underlying fear that if we set limits with others, and say no, that these people will leave or abandon us. We have that deep seeded fear of rejection and abandonment. Guess what? If by our saying no, expressing our feelings, and setting limits with others causes them to leave, they are not worthy of your valuable time and attention! The people in your life have to be worthy of YOU, not you having to be worthy of THEM!

Another part of boundary setting is “finding your voice!” People aren’t mind readers and unless you communicate with others when something bothers you, they won’t know. Putting a voice to our thoughts, fears, opinions, and distress and speaking up for ourselves is the only way for others to know how we think and feel. We can’t ever just assume someone should, would, or could know how we feel. You can be direct, firm, and polite when setting boundaries. A healthy way to communicate is by using “I” statements. Talk about how you feel, as opposed to pointing out another’s faults or behaviors as the problem. For example, when I feel I’m not being heard or listened to by a family member or friend, I might say “I feel a little upset, that I’m not being heard or understood, can I please say this again?” Or if it's a business or public setting, I might say “I know there’s a lot going on right now. If this isn’t a good time, can I come back later, or could we find somewhere quieter to talk?”

Another boundary you can set is by protecting your personal “space” and energy. We all have this physical space or area around us. This area is defined by how comfortable we feel in letting others get physically close to us. I’ve had people just come right up to me really close by invading my personal space, and they’ll start talking to me, and that’s a big no no for me! I like to keep a comfortable space between me and others. If someone violates my space, I’ll take a step or two back until I’m in my “comfort zone” and that’s perfectly okay! Protecting your energy is another important boundary to set. This could look like scheduling time, just to do something you want, or to do nothing at all. Set a boundary that you won’t answer emails after a certain time or use the Do Not Disturb feature on your phone -one of my favorites! Or just turn the damn thing off!

This takes time, effort, and practice and you won’t change a lifetime of habits and behaviors overnight, but you’ll get there!

As you move to make these new changes, it might feel uncomfortable and just plain scary! It might make those around you uncomfortable too, but that’s okay. Be patient and compassionate with yourself and be firm and consistent with those that you set boundaries with.  Also remember your basic human rights! You have the right to say no without feeling guilty! You have the right to be treated with respect and dignity! You have the right to have your needs met! You have the right to expect and require safety from those around you! I also can’t stress this enough: Self-care in abundance!! Taking care of YOU is the most important thing! Yes, others need you but if you aren’t well, you can’t do anything for ANYONE ELSE! Start small, with those tiny baby steps forward!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a guided writing exercise. Please get a pen, pencil, and a piece of paper or a notebook.

Let’s clear our minds a bit, we’ve just taken in a lot of information...

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

Learning how to live authentically. What that means is that you are living in a way that’s true to yourself, what you believe in and according to what’s important to you! It’s living in self-awareness, intention, and being free of the idea that others have to agree of or approve of the choices you make!

·         What I’d like to invite you to try next, is to really think about what your most important “truth” is about yourself. What is it in your heart that you know to be true about you?  It might help to ask yourself these questions:

a.)     What is important to you in life?

b.)    What really matters to you?

c.)     What would make your life better?

d.)    What sparks your interest, your passion?

·         This might be a deep and foundational truth. This also might be something completely new that you’ve discovered for yourself! This isn’t about identifying and listening to negative self-talk, or what you’ve been programmed to think about yourself by others. This is about uncovering the “you” underneath all of that.

·         Write that truth out. It could be one word, or it could be more than that, it’s up to you.

·         What is it about that truth that you would like to have honored by others? Write out how you would like them to honor you in your truth.

·         When you speak this truth to others, how would you like them to respond back to you? Write out how you would like them to respond, not how you THINK they’ll respond.

·         If someone crosses over, tramples on, or disrespects that truth, how does it make you feel? Write down some things that come up for you, thoughts, emotions, ideas, anything to describe what happens for you in these moments.

·         Create a plan for speaking this truth to another. It could be out loud, to yourself at first, maybe looking in the mirror. Then try speaking it out loud to another person, someone safe, in a safe environment. If you are in a relationship involving Intimate Partner Violence and you aren’t safe, don’t do this with your partner. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800-799-7233 in the US for help and resources.

·         With the person you choose, you could say something like “I’ve been thinking about what’s important to me, and for me, and this is something I would like you to know.” Then tell them.

·         Think about an “I” statement, something you can say if anyone crosses over or tramples on your truth. You could say something like “I feel uncomfortable when I hear you respond this way. Could we talk about this more together?”

·         In defining a truth, what it means to you and how you feel if that truth is violated, then creating a plan of action to speak that truth out loud, you have set a boundary! You have created an imaginary line for yourself. You also have created a response using an “I” statement to communicate to another when they have crossed or violated this boundary!

GREAT JOB! This takes practice, intention, and can feel really scary, I know. But learning how to be you, the REAL you, living authentically and being aligned with what’s important to you is a critical part of healing from trauma. We accept ourselves for who we are faults and all and give ourselves permission to make mistakes, learn, and grow!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!