Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 23 and we’re going to talk about things we may not realize that can happen in a relationship involving an abusive partner. I’m going to add a disclaimer here, because we are going to be discussing specific aspects of Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence and it could be triggering. If it is, pause the episode. Do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other tools we’ve learned, or one you like to use to get grounded, centered, and feel safe. Then come back when you’re ready.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, and a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.  An added note: If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we’ve gone over different types of relationships including abusive relationships, and how those of us with trauma histories can be particularly vulnerable to becoming involved with relationships involving abuse. We’ve also talked about the fact that the price we pay for being in these types of relationships comes at a HUGE personal cost to ourselves!

Today, I want to talk about a couple of things that we often don’t even think about or realize that can happen to us during a physical incident. We need to think about BRAIN INJURY and what happens to our brain when we get physically hurt.

We all know basically what our brain looks like inside of our skull. Our brain is connected to our body by the spinal cord. The brain is surrounded in our skull by something called Cerebrospinal fluid. This clear fluid acts as a kind of “shock absorber” or cushion to protect our brains. If we are jolted this helps keep the brain from hitting the inside of our hard, boney skull.

However, when we are being physically hurt by anyone, or more specifically in this case by our intimate partner, it can actually hurt our brains! If you are hit anywhere in the head, face, or neck, are violently shaken, are thrown, shoved, pushed, or strangled, this can all cause damage to our brains. When these things happen, the fluid around our brains isn’t enough to cushion it or stop it from banging against the inside of our skull. Think of a pickle in a jar, surrounded by the green brine. If you shake the jar rapidly back and forth that pickle will bang against the inside of the jar. The same thing happens to your brain. During my abusive relationship, I was hit repeatedly in the head and face with open and closed fists, with objects too. I was violently shaken, I was thrown against walls, hit my head on concrete floors, tables, counters, you name it, I collided with it! When our brains slam back and forth against our skull, this is called a concussion. It is an injury to our brain and we most likely don’t even realize it. I know after I was hurt, I would have headaches, dizziness, see “stars” or spots, feel confused and disoriented, but these things would gradually go away. But these types of injuries happened very frequently to me, so my brain never had the chance to heal from one incident to the next. Over time, I noticed that I had very frequent headaches, my memory was terrible, my balance was way off, and even though I have an excellent vocabulary, I found I couldn’t find words in my mind for things. While reading, words would “jump around” on the page, it was so weird! I also got confused easily. One night while I was driving on a 2-lane road, I was in the right lane as I should have been. Suddenly, I pulled over into the left lane and started driving in it like it was completely normal. Thank God there was no oncoming traffic! My abuser was in the car with me, talking to a friend of his in the back seat and it took him about 10 seconds before he realized what I was doing. He screamed at me to get back into the correct lane! It was like I suddenly “woke up” and realized what I was doing. I pulled back into the right lane and was completely shaken! What the hell had just happened?? I knew something was wrong, really wrong! It wasn’t until I left my abuser for good that I found out what was going on. 4 months after I left the last time, I suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm. It’s a brain bleed, and many people don’t survive. I shouldn’t have, I was extremely lucky! During all of the testing and scans they did of my brain at that time, scarring and places in my brain from old injuries showed up. I have Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). It still sounds strange when I say it out loud.

We are finding out more and more about TBI as a result of Intimate Partner Violence and how often it happens. We get hurt by our abusers but unless it’s something drastic or an extremely bad injury, we typically aren’t “allowed” to get medical treatment. I mean, that could get our abuser in trouble, right?  BUT If you ever have an incident where your head is hurt and you lose consciousness, or have nausea, or vomiting you need immediate medical attention! Do not HESITATE to call 911!! So, we do the best we can to try and heal on our own. However, many of us are hurt repeatedly, over, and over and our brains get hurt, and we don’t have a chance to heal from one injury to the next. Over time that “builds” up. Some of you may notice things like I did: Bad memory, headaches, dizziness, terrible balance, fogginess, and forgetfulness, among other things.  Other symptoms are things like blurry vision, slurred speech, ringing in the ears and being really sensitive to lights and sounds. You might sleep more or less than usual, have mood swings, or feel really depressed.

Almost worse than being injured, is how our abusers can use these symptoms against us! Here we are: hurt and not able to recover, experiencing so many different symptoms and our abusers tell us that we’re stupid, lazy, can’t say or do things right, whatever it might be. They find fault with us, and we believe them! Again, it’s that “It must be me; it must be something wrong with me!” During an abusive relationship we become conditioned into believing that something is inherently wrong with us, we hear it over and over again. It really is like being a prisoner of war. We really live through varying degrees of torture, and it doesn’t have to be physical! The fear, the mental, emotional, financial, abuse, being deprived of support, connection, help, hope, sleep, food, it all takes its toll on us!

When I was teaching classes at the domestic violence shelter at worked at here in Phoenix, one evening during class, I was talking about some of the signs and symptoms of brain injury. I mentioned one of my symptoms, the one where words “jump around” on a page while reading. One of the ladies in my class jumped up suddenly. She had this stunned look on her face. She said, “When I read, that happens, words move around on the page, letters get mixed up!” I said again that these can be signs of brain injury. She looked at me and said “You mean I might actually have something wrong with me? I’m not dumb or stupid?” I told her gently that of course she wasn’t stupid, and that we needed to look into getting her to a doctor right away. She sat down and started crying, but they were tears of relief, tears of letting go of that “false” narrative she had heard for so long from her abuser. I will never forget her, or that moment! We did get her treatment, and therapy and her symptoms improved so much! Over the years, I have had many of those kinds of moments with survivors, when that “light” comes on, they make that connection. Not that it’s okay to have anything physically wrong with you, but understanding that it isn’t our fault, it’s not a failure of some kind on our part. It’s a physical thing, an injury that we can heal from, make better, and repair!

The other part of this is that symptoms of trauma, mental health, and brain injury can all overlap: they have many of the same symptoms! So how do you know what’s going on? You really don’t, not unless you get medical attention. Concussions also don’t always show up on a brain scan (CT) or even an MRI. But there are other ways medical professionals can diagnose brain injury It’s pretty safe to assume that if you get hit in the head, face, neck, or are violently shaken, thrown, or hit your head against anything, you’ve likely suffered a concussion or brain injury.

Another piece to this puzzle is strangulation. Strangulation cuts off oxygen to your brain and can cause brain injury! This is not the same thing as choking, there is a difference! Choking is like what happens to you when you get a piece of food stuck in your throat. Strangulation is any external or outside pressure put on your airway that restricts your breathing! This could be from someone’s hands or arm around your neck, or someone sitting on your chest or back, or by using something on or around your neck to cut off your breathing like a rope, scarf, belt, anything. It takes a very small amount of pressure on someone’s neck to cause a decrease in oxygen to the brain and cause damage. A very serious note: If your abuser strangles you or has EVER strangled you, your risk of being killed by them is 10 TIMES HIGER!! Abusers can use this as the ultimate weapon of control. They are demonstrating to you that they have the ability to hold your life in their hands. They can take it away in an instant, and many abusers kill their partners. It’s a fact, it’s a reality.  That’s why planning to leave safely is so important! Your life might literally depend on it!

After an incident, you may or may not black out or lose consciousness. You also may or may not even remember what happened. There might not be any visible marks on the outside. If the police or Emergency Responders come, it might be hard for you to describe what actually happened, and that’s perfectly normal. Tell them anything you remember as best as you can. Again, the effects of brain injury may also not show up right away. They can show up days, weeks, even years later! Common signs and symptoms are:

Physical problems: Headaches, sleeping problems, sensitivity to light or noise, vision problems, bloodshot eyes, trouble swallowing, raspy voice (If you’ve had your airway restricted), dizziness, balance problems, fatigue, seizures. 

Emotional problems: Worries and fears, panic attacks, flashbacks, sadness, depression, hopelessness, anger or rage, irritability, inability to control emotions or reactions.  

Problems with thinking: Remembering things, multi-tasking, paying attention or focusing, problem-solving, getting things started, figuring out what to do next, and organizing things. 

Again, you don’t have to have any outward signs in order to have sustained a brain injury! If you don’t feel right in any way, get medical attention, call 911! If there is no way to get medical help, here are some things you can do to help yourself heal:

Keep lights low, keep the noise level to a minimum. I know if you have kids, this can be almost impossible, just do the best you can to care for yourself. Rest is crucial and keep any screen time: Phone, TV, computer to a minimum. Write down any symptoms or things that you notice that are different about how you’re feeling. Things that are out of what you consider normal for you. This is a record that you can take with you to a doctor or if you go to an emergency room.

I know that I deal with the effects of brain injury, trauma, and mental health issues on a daily basis! My balance feels almost non-existent, I fall down or over a lot! My focus and concentration are good some days, other days not so much! I can feel foggy, slow, not “with it.” I have days where I struggle to find words, my memory is also not great! I have to write everything down, thank goodness for Google calendar, tasks, reminders, and other apps! Before those tools I was the Queen of sticky notes! I had them everywhere! I also lost some of my eyesight due to the ruptured brain aneurysm, so I don’t drive very much. My handwriting is also not good, so I use apps like Evernotes to record reminders too! I have no problem relying on whatever it is I need to in order to get through things and be successful!

You can recover from brain injury but again it really takes working with a doctor to decide what’s going on and what treatment or therapy options might work for you. For example, a doctor might refer you to physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, among others, to help relieve or work through symptoms. Also, if possible, ask your providers if they are “Trauma-Informed!” Trauma-Informed care is very important as it looks at your entire situation: your past and current traumatic experiences, environment, how you learn, everything. It looks at what has happened to you as opposed to what’s wrong with you! So, no matter what kind of medical professional you are working with, even therapists or counselors, ask them this question! It is perfectly okay and right that you speak up and ask for what you want regarding care and treatment! If you have questions for a doctor or therapist, write everything down, take the list with you! Read it to them or hand them the list and they can read it if you don’t feel comfortable doing it.

Please remember If you are in an unsafe situation or in an abusive relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 24/7 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

We’ve really discussed some very hard things, thank you for sticking with me! It’s not an easy thing for me to talk about, and I know it’s hard to hear and can bring up so much for us. This information I share is designed to help raise awareness and if it helps just one person listening, it’s so worth it! We have to remind ourselves over and over again that we are capable, strong, brave, survivors! Look at everything we’ve been through and we’re still here! I want you to know that you deserve a life that feels safe, a life you create for yourself, full of people that are supportive of you, not full of people that hurt, mistreat, disrespect, and abuse you! Even if you feel stuck, trapped, like there is no way out of the situation you may be in, reaching out for help is the first step. We’ve gone over safety planning, and you can call the Hotline to go over safety planning again, or reach out to me anytime for help, resources, or just someone to listen! My email is [email protected]. I’ll be more than happy to help in any way I can!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

I invite you to find a safe, comfortable space to stand or sit, whatever is most supportive for you. We are going to bring awareness to our bodies and release any tension we may be feeling. You can do this with your eyes open or closed, it’s up to you. If you leave your eyes open, have them rest gently on something, a space not too busy, like a blank wall or a door.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

We should be standing or seated in a relaxed body, loose joints, feeling comfortable. These movements should only be done if you are able, they can be modified and should be small, gentle movements, not forcing or stretching our bodies to their limits!

As we continue letting our breath flow slowly in and out, bring your awareness to your feet. Shift your balance lightly from one foot to the other. One foot is slightly off the ground, the other is on the floor. Then raise your other foot up slightly, gently back and forth.  Notice how your feet feel when they gently connect to the floor as you shift back and forth from foot to foot.

Next, if it’s comfortable, as you shift your weight from foot to foot, the foot that’s slightly raised, wiggle that foot using your ankle to move it around. If you have issues with your balance, you can do this seated in a chair.  Do this for a few seconds, gently put that foot on the ground, raise your other foot gently, and wiggle it the same way. It might feel good, flexing your ankle gently, stretching those muscles a bit. Do that, back and forth as you sift your weight gently from foot to foot, wiggling each foot.

Next If you are standing and you can do this safely, lean your weight slightly forward and gently bend at your knees. Then gently shift your weight back so you are standing, gently straightening your knees. If you are seated, you could gently lift one leg up, slightly bending your knee, place that foot back on the floor, and gently lift up the other leg, slightly bending the knee. Feel that slight stretch to your muscles.  Do this for as long as it feels comfortable for you.

Next, bring awareness to your pelvis, or your hip area. If you can do this safely, while standing, gently move your hips side to side, small movements, it should feel easy, your knees bent slightly. Feel the slight stretch of those muscles as you gently rock your hips side to side. If you are seated, you can gently lift up on your “sits” bones. Move slightly to one side. If you move gently to the left, your right glute will lift slightly up off the chair or wherever you are seated. If you move to the right, your left glute will be off the seat. Feel that slight stretch of your muscles as you move gently. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

Next, bring awareness to your shoulders. If you are standing in your relaxed posture, and you can do this safely, gently shrug your shoulders. Gently lift your shoulders up, then down. You can do this in your seated position as well. Feel that slight stretching of those muscles. Do this for as long as it feels comfortable for you.

Next, bring awareness to your neck. You can do this either standing or seated. If you can do this safely, gently using small movements, roll your head gently forward, then gently back just a little. Feel the very tiny stretch of your neck muscles. Do this for as long as you wish. If this causes you discomfort in any way do not do this movement. Simply breathe.

Finally, whether standing or seated, and if it is something you can do safely, give yourself a gentle upper body all over stretch, like you might do first thing in the morning when you wake up. Raise your arms up, stretch them out gently, squeeze your shoulder blades gently and release. You can also wrap up this exercise by gently shaking your legs, arms, hands, shaking off any excess energy or tension you might be feeling.

Bring your awareness slowly back to your breathing, slowly in through your nose, and out through your mouth. If your eyes were closed, gently open them, and orient them to your surroundings. If your eyes were open, bring them back to focus on something near you.

Take a little personal inventory how do you feel? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, and relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!