Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 24 and we’re going to talk about how abusers use sex as a weapon. I’m going to add a disclaimer here, because we are going to be discussing specific aspects of Sexual and Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence and it could be triggering. If it is, pause the episode. Do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other tools we’ve learned, or one you like to use to get grounded, centered, and feel safe. Then come back when you’re ready.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, and a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

ALSO If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911! You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) 24/7 at 1-800-656-4673 for help and resources after a sexual assault.

Alright let’s dive in!

In the past few episodes, we’ve really been focusing on the different dynamics of abusive relationships. We’ve talked about what they look like, why we might make the choices we make in getting involved with an abusive partner, and unintended consequences such as suffering from a traumatic brain injury because of being hurt.

Today, we are going to talk about the “weaponization of sex” or how abusers use sex, and various aspects of sex, sexual abuse, and sexual coercion like a weapon, as a way to gain and maintain power and control over another person. This is a very difficult topic so again, be sure to listen carefully, and care for yourself in whatever way you need to!

Some quick statistics: According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) nearly 1 in 2 women and 1 in five men will experience some form of sexual violence, other than rape, at some point in their lives. So, think of this visual: You are in a group of women and men in a room, maybe for a meeting. In the group of women in the room, every other woman you see is likely to have experienced sexual violence. For the men, every 5th man in the room is likely to have experienced the same! It’s mind-blowing when you think of it this way. Out of your group of friends, how many of them might have experienced this as well?

Some quick definitions: Sexual assault ANY FORM of unwanted sexual activity without that person’s consent. Consent is a voluntary agreement between adults to engage in sexual activity. However, in cases involving Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Violence, that “consent” can feel like it has some grey areas. I’ll explain further in a minute!

Rape is of course extremely personal violence. It also doesn’t have to be committed by a stranger, or acquaintance. You can be raped by your married partner too. Many people have this long held societal view that sex in marriage is a “duty” something that is “expected” as a part of the “contract.” Let me tell you clearly that sex is NEVER a duty, or something that should be expected in any relationship, married or not! If you are forced to have sex, perform sex acts, or are involved in anything that has to do with sex against your will, you are being violated.

Abusers use sex as a power and control tactic, and it takes many different forms. Forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to or outright rape, feeds into their need to have complete control and dominance over their partner. Abusers can use forced sex or rape as a “punishment” for not obeying the “rules.” They know it is hurting you, they WANT to hurt you. Abusers view you as their personal “property” something they “own” and can do what they want to you! To them, you are not a person with rights, feelings, opinions, or values. You are a “thing” an object, like a piece of furniture!  What you need and want does not matter to them at all! We get so tied up in our feelings for them that we miss this very important fact! It doesn’t matter how we try to approach them, how carefully we word things when we try to discuss or even just bring up how we feel about anything that matters to us. Their responses, abusive behaviors, and attitudes towards us when we voice how we feel eventually stop us from even trying: It’s not worth it. So, we go silent, dormant. We learn that speaking up has very real negative consequences for us. That just feeds into our feelings of low self-esteem, self-blame, and self-doubt!

Abusers can also be a bit more “coercive” or stealthy in a way when it comes to sex. They might say something like “If you really loved me, you’d do ___” whatever it might be. We can often find ourselves in situations involving sex where we can question our interpretation of the situation. We don’t want to do whatever it is our partner wants us to do but we “love them” so it must be okay, even though our brains and bodies are screaming “NO!” This is one of those “grey” areas I mentioned earlier. It feels like we are consenting or saying yes to something, but if everything in your being tells you that this is not something you want, you aren’t really consenting!

Forced sex can also be a release for abusers, much like the way that a blow-up or hurting you in other ways can be for them. I know that almost always after my abuser would hurt, torture me, he always had to have sex afterwards. There I was, hurt, terrified, horrified, and he wanted sex! That was the last thing I wanted. But I knew that if I said no, he would hurt me more. So, I not only had to do it, I had to pretend that I LIKED it! Again, if I showed him anything less than being fully involved, it would end up in more abuse. So, I would mentally retreat, detach from myself in both body and mind. I was like an actor in a play, feeling like I was someone else. I would tell myself “It’s only sex, let’s get this over with.” However, it didn’t matter how much I downplayed it, it still hurt, I was still giving up pieces of my soul, and as a rape survivor this compounded the traumas I had already suffered. This is another “grey” area where it feels like you are consenting, but you aren’t! I was letting something happen in order to survive, to protect myself from further harm.

Sexual coercion can also look like sabotaging birth control or forcing you to get pregnant. They might just forbid any form of birth control at all. This is another way to “tie” you to them and keep you under control. They can also go to the other extreme and force you to end a pregnancy.

What is the most important thing to remember is that if you do not agree to sex, or any sexually related activities, behaviors, whatever it is, and it is against your will, you are being violated! This includes doing whatever you need to do in order to survive! No means no whether it’s said out loud or in your mind, body, and soul! This also applies to being raped or sexually violated in any way while another person is intoxicated or “altered” either through substances, mental health, or disabilities. We can have such feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, embarrassment, and pain around sex and our experiences of it both good and bad. Our feelings can get tied up in our belief systems: How we were taught about sex growing up, our families’ attitudes towards it, how we view ourselves, everything! For so many of us it’s uncomfortable, painful, and traumatizing to even think about, let alone discuss or report to law enforcement or any other agencies we might be seeking help from.

Sex is supposed to be a good thing between consenting (there’s that word again!) adults, something we CHOOSE to do, something we want to and like doing! It should be a healthy way to connect to someone we care about, and a normal and healthy way to get our OWN needs met. It should feel safe, good, and fun! Anything related to our personal sexuality should make us feel empowered, we have control over ourselves, and our bodies and we say yes or no as WE choose! We do have to make sure that we surround ourselves with safe people who respect our boundaries, our choices, and our voice! No one, I mean NO ONE EVER has the right to do anything to you in any way that hurts, demeans, degrades, insults, threatens, violates you or puts your safety or your life at risk! This includes hurting you physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially, environmentally, and socially! It is so important that we understand that what we’ve had to go through is wrapped up in so many different things and has impacted us in so many areas of our lives, ourselves, our whole being!

It doesn’t matter what we had to do or what we still have to do in order to survive, to keep ourselves, our children, and families safe in the wake of abuse. Remember help is out there, it exists! There are people and organizations ready to help 24/7 if you need to plan to get out of an abusive relationship safely! Again, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911! You can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) 24/7 at 1-800-656-4673 for help and resources after a sexual assault.

Whew, deep breath! That was a very tough topic, thank you for sticking with me through it!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a visualization exercise designed to help us “release” some things that we’ve been feeling or carrying with us. Things we can give ourselves permission to let go of: things, emotions, feelings, people, places, events, thoughts that no longer serve us, things that are holding us back, holding us down, weighing us down.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

This exercise can be done either seated or standing. You can also do this with your eyes open, or closed, whatever is most comfortable for you. If your eyes are open, you might just let them rest gently on something, maybe not too busy. If you are standing, you should be in a relaxed body position, joints loose feet shoulder width apart. If you are seated, you should also be in a relaxed body, feet on the floor. Make sure there is space in front of you to raise your arms. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

Either seated or standing, extend your arms upward, shoulder distance apart, elbows bent as much as is comfortable for you.

Next between your hands, picture a balloon. You can do this with your eyes open or closed. This balloon is your balloon, and it can be any color you want it to be. Whatever color is your safe or special color. See this balloon in your unique color, between your hands. Continue letting your breath flow.

Next, imagine that you have a big, wide tipped marker now, it can write in any color you choose.

Next, picture yourself writing on that balloon whatever is holding you back, stealing your joy, stifling your laughter, stealing your peace. It can be a face, a place, a name, a date, an emotion, a feeling, an event, a memory, whatever you want it to be, see yourself writing, drawing it on the balloon.

Next, take a big inhale, lift the balloon high, exhale and release the balloon.. up it goes, higher and higher, getting smaller and smaller, until it gets so high you can barely see it...suddenly it pops and rains down stardust on you, stardust in that special unique color of yours, stardust now repurposed and recycled into something better, more useful.

As this stardust rains down over you, showering you, you could say “I am letting go” “I am free” “I am grateful” “I am at peace.”

Slowly bring your awareness back to your breath. Breath slowly in and out. If your eyes were closed, slowly open them and re-focus on something near you.

You can continue breathing slowly as long as it is comfortable for you. Take a little personal inventory. How do you feel? Did you feel a release, a letting go?

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, add in lots of self-care, and we’ll talk soon!