Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 25 and we’re going to talk about why it’s so important to understand and accept our experiences, and to let our need for the “why” go!

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we talked a lot about different aspects of relationships, particularly those involving abuse. Many of us have been abused and neglected throughout our lives by family members, friends, partners, and others. I know something I really had trouble getting past was this deep seeded need to know WHY I had been abused and neglected by those people in my life. I would replay scenarios over and over in my mind where I confronted them. I would pour out all of my hurt, pain, confusion, and anger to them. In my mind, they listened, then began explaining to me what had driven their behavior. This began when I was really young around my dad’s behavior. His abusive behavior towards my mother, his drinking, his abuse and neglect of my and my sister, his job moving us around all the time, I just didn’t understand why this was all happening. I didn’t understand why I had to be the parent and care for my mom, raise my sister until her death at 6 years old. I was so angry and had no clue what to do with it all! This desperate need to know kept on throughout my teen years and spilled over into my abusive relationship. I fully expected that at some point, I was going to demand and get the answers I wanted and needed! In my mind, this was the only way I would ever be able to move forward and get through my trauma! Boy, how wrong I was!

Really, when you think about it, what reason or explanation would ever be acceptable as to why someone has abused you? There is an expression that I see and hear posted a lot on Facebook and other social media sites “Hurt people hurt people” and I can’t stand that phrase! There are so many of us who’ve been extremely hurt and abused but we don’t hurt others! We go out of our way NOT to because we know how it feels! We help others, lift each other up in spite of everything. Of course, everyone has moments of anger, frustration and it can spill over onto others, that’s being human. But it isn’t willfully and deliberately causing another person physical, mental, emotional, and environmental harm as a way to control them. There isn’t an excuse for abuse, period.

My first “ah ha” moment came when I confronted my dad, and I know I’ve mentioned this before, but even as an adult in my 30’s I was terrified of actually telling him how I felt. Lifelong conditioning of “we’re not going to tell this to your dad” from my mom literally made me “clam up” around my dad. No matter how badly I wanted to say something, the words just wouldn’t come out! I don’t know what I thought was going to happen, but I just couldn’t tell him how I felt. Things were complicated even more by his wife. 6 weeks after my mom died, he told me he was seeing someone, and that I needed to get into the house and take whatever I wanted to of my mother’s things because he was moving this person in and any of mom’s stuff was going to get pitched out! I spent an agonizing week going through every item of jewelry, pictures, clothing, furniture all while screaming and crying. My grief and pain were fresh, raw, and physical, like something you could touch. It was awful, but I took everything, even though I had no room for items like her furniture and piano, I took it all... the only thing he wouldn’t let me take was my mother’s prized position a beautiful cherrywood hutch that belonged to her mother, my grandmother Fitzgerald. My mother always talked about how this would get passed on to me, then to my children. I begged him to let me take it, but he said no that SHE was planning on using it… we did have a discussion however, that he said he would put into his will that when he died, it would come to me. That didn’t’ happen, however. The memory of what happened to that hutch still hurts. Dad and his wife decided about 10 years ago to move to an assisted living facility, so they were going to auction off all of their belongings and sell the house. I mentioned the hutch and just assumed that I would be getting it. What he said next stunned me. He said that he “didn’t care for how I had treated some of mom’s things” and that the hutch would not be coming to me, it would be sold at the auction! What he was referring to was the fact that when I took all of my mom’s things initially, I was living in a 750ft sq house, it was tiny. So, I had to store lots of stuff in the garage, I had no place to put it. But if I didn’t take it, he was going to toss it out! So, living in rural Ohio no matter how carefully I stored things, I lost stuff due to mice and other critters. This was not my dad speaking, this was his wife, she couldn’t stand me, and the feeling was mutual. She was not nice or decent to either me or my children. When they married, she took control of everything, and my dad was happy being the “backseat” driver in life! I don’t think my dad would have cared otherwise. So that hutch, that piece of my mother’s beloved family history was sold at auction for $150.00…. The same thing happened with our “family business” that my parents, my husband, and I started in 1989. My mom died in 1991, so for 10 years it was my dad, my husband and myself. The agreement was when he was ready to get out of it, it was to come to us. That was the belief and agreement until one day, my dad came into my office and said he’d decided to not only “sell” the business, but he had a buyer for it! Again, my husband and I both were stunned…we were retained by the new owners just long enough for them to get a handle on things, then we were out. My husband and I both know who the real driving force was behind that one as well. On his own, my dad wouldn’t have thought that way.

Sorry, had to get that out! Those were big “need to know why” moments for me! Now back to the subject!

So back to confronting my dad, even though we only lived 5 minutes apart, I wrote him a letter. I also included printouts of the effects of abuse and neglect on children, PTSD symptoms, and some other information. I made sure to highlight what had impacted me, and why I behaved the way I did when I was a child and teen. I mailed it, and waited… It took him about 2 weeks to respond. He called me and said that he’d gotten my letter and said he guessed we should talk about it. So, we met for lunch at a little local place. When I walked into the restaurant, a wave of dread washed over me, this was it, the moment I’d been waiting for all my life, it was here. What would happen, what would he say? What would I say? I don’t remember all of the details of the conversation, how it began. But I remember going over the points of how abuse and neglect affect a child, and how it can make them behave. As a child, I had frequent meltdowns (I was terrified of everything and had no one to show me how to deal with my feelings). I recounted the constant fear, hypervigilance, the bullying I endured in every new school, how the frequent moves affected me, mom’s illnesses, his drinking and yelling, all of it. His response to me was that “yes, he knew what he did was abusive, but it was all he knew.” He also told me “I was a difficult child to love” and that “your mother and I should have never married and had children.” Really? There was no “I’m sorry” no accountability, no ownership of anything. So, there I was, left with that, to sit with it, and process it. There was no moment of connecting, no real resolution. What he said just laid there, like a big blob, or a lead balloon. So now what? What do I do with that?

It was then that I realized that I would have to take what was offered and either: a) continue to rail against the unfairness of it all or b) find a way to make some peace with it. It did help that I had finally laid all of my cards out on the table so to speak and gotten all of that snarl and tangle of things out to him at least. So, there was that. I also realized that this was the only thing I was ever going to get from him. He was never going to be the dad that I wanted or needed, the one I had always wished him to be. I told him that too. At this point, it was up to me to decide if we were going to have any kind of relationship going forward. I couldn’t bring myself to cut off my relationship with him. I realized I would have to let go of the idea of who I wanted him to be and deal with who he was. I had to kind of suspend my feelings and beliefs. So, we did that for the remainder of his life. I moved to Phoenix over 10 years ago now, and I never physically saw him again. We kept in touch by phone. The last year of his life he got very sick, and we talked often. There were lots of ‘I love you’s” at the end of our conversations which was good. He died suddenly in 2021 and I still have a kind of tug of war in my heart over him.  Again, I have to remind myself that the person who is gone is not exactly who I miss.

So, on the heels of this understanding, there began to be even more understanding and self-awareness around lots of other things that happened to me in my life. I was never going to understand why my abusive partner hurt and tortured me. After I left the last time for good, I never spoke to him again, and if I had just like he had done many times before, none of the apologies, or tears, or explanations, or even threats made any difference! Same with the other people in my life that hurt me!

As trauma survivors, we want validation and understanding from others in a big way! We want to be heard, understood, apologized to, empathized with. We want to know WHY! Why did this happen, WHY did you treat me this way? Let me tell you that in most cases, we will never get the answers we want, ever. Nothing, no matter how much we wish for it to, is going to heal those open wounds if we are looking outwardly towards those who hurt us to make it right, to heal us in some way. We have to find our OWN way through that minefield, and come to our own conclusions, heal our own wounds and hurts. It sucks but that’s the truth! That’s why it’s up to us to figure out how we can heal ourselves. It’s hard, often painful work, and hopefully we have supportive people around us that we can rely on for help and guidance. That letting go of our need for answers, that drive in us that begs for someone to make sense of it all to us, comes from US! So, we have to find some way in our minds and hearts to accept that what happened to us was wrong, it hurt and damaged us…then we have to let go of our need for answers. The only way to find peace is within ourselves. We really do internally have all of the answers we need within us to move forward. We learn, we understand, we acknowledge our experiences, we self-validate. Then we give ourselves the space, the grace we need to allow growth and healing to happen.

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a visualization exercise called a “body scan.” This is a grounding exercise designed to get you connected to your mind and body. You can do this with your eyes open or closed, whatever feels safe and comfortable for you. If your eyes are open, you might just rest them gently on something, maybe something not too busy like a wall or a door. This can also be done either seated or standing, whatever feels right to you. Your body should be in a relaxed state, muscles loose. If you feel any tension in your body, gently stretch that area to release the excess energy.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I would like to invite you to picture a bar of light, like the scanner bar light on a printer. Visualize it over your head. This light can be any color you wish, whatever is safe and comforting for you.

Next, see this bar of light coming down, starting at the top of your head, moving slowly downward. It’s a pleasant warm sensation, gentle, soothing. Feel that warmth moving down your head, over your face, past your chin. See the light bar in your mind in your soothing color as it moves downward. Continue letting your breath flow slowly in and out.

Next, the light passes down your neck, down your shoulders, over your chest. Feel the gentle warmth as it passes down over your heart area. The light bar extends across your body to include your arms as it moves down.

The light moves down over your stomach area, down your arms into your hands and fingers. Continue letting your breath flow.

Feeling the warm gentle soothing light now move down over your hip and pelvic area. Slowly moving downward. Slowly breathing as you feel that light move down.

The light moves downward slowly over your thighs, moving downward, over your knees, down your legs. The warm light moves downward to your ankles, feet, and toes.

Next If you’d like you could gently stretch out your muscles to release any leftover tension. Gently reach up to the sky with your arms extended upward, tighten your muscles gently, then release. Stretch like you may do when you first wake up in the morning, think about how good that feels.

Bring your awareness back to your breath. If your eyes were closed, slowly open them.

How do you feel? Do you feel a bit more centered, grounded, and relaxed?

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!