Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 26 and we’re going to talk about things we grieve, what loss is and what kinds of things we grieve for.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, and a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

Alright let’s dive in!

In last week’s episode, we talked about the process of acceptance and letting go, wanting answers as to why people hurt us. We also discussed why we most likely won’t get those answers and how to accept and then release ourselves from that all consuming need.

This week, I thought it made sense to move into grieving. Often when we release or let go of something we feel like we need, we grieve that it’s a loss. Grieving isn’t just something we do when we lose someone we love. We can grieve so many things, we don’t even realize what “loss” really means.

So, the definition of grief as defined in the Oxford dictionary is “deep sorrow, especially that caused from someone’s death.” That’s self-explanatory, makes sense. But if you search further for the meaning, you find descriptions such as it is a “natural response to loss. It’s the emotional, mental, physical, pain of losing something or someone you love.” So, let’s look at the types of “somethings” you can lose and feel grief over. You can lose a relationship to breakup or divorce, you can lose your health, a job, financial stability, a pregnancy, a pet, a friendship or community connection. You can grieve events that happen in other parts of the world: wars, famines, natural disasters, mass shootings, the extinction or near extinction of a species. You can lose a dream or idea you had; you can lose your sense of safety after trauma. Moving, selling a home, or losing a home can cause grief, life changes can cause grief too.  Whatever you grieve, it’s very personal and how it affects you is particular to you and you only. Any loss that you experience, no matter what it is, will cause feelings of grief.

Feeling grief is also a very individual and personal experience. You may feel sadness, or you may not. You may feel deep seeded anguish and pain, or you may feel nothing. You might be shocked, numb, disconnected. You might push whatever feelings you have down so that you don’t feel things. You might be angry, or you might take to your bed, feeling frozen, unable to move, think, react.  

Grief for me has taken so many forms over the years. The traumas of losing the people I loved first come to mind. My sister, my mom, my grandparents, my dad. My sister Erin’s sudden death at 6 years old, my grandfather’s death a month to the day later, and my mom’s death were particularly traumatizing for me.  I also lost several good friends to suicide. I remember my friend Mike especially. We had made plans to go out one evening. He had been at my house, and he was fine, his same funny gentle self. He left and somehow ended up in a neighborhood close to mine. The details were sketchy, but he got into some trouble and was arrested. We lived in a small rural Ohio community, and he was taken to jail at the local police department. Somehow after being there for a couple of hours, he hung himself with his t-shirt. He was discovered and taken to the hospital. His mother called me and told me what had happened. He lingered for 2 weeks before passing. I remember being so angry with him! At his “viewing” (open casket) I knelt next to the casket and in my head, I was talking to him, telling him how pissed I was at him! I was pissed at myself too, what did I miss? What didn’t I see? I replayed his visit to my house, our talk, making our plans for that evening over and over again in my mind and nothing I could think of gave me a clue.

Beyond the loss of people in my life, as I got older, I began to suffer the effects of grieving from other things, other losses I had experienced. The loss of stability in my childhood, the frequent moves, always feeling scared to death, the loss or the absence of feeling safe in my life. Not being able to trust that the adults in my life were capable of taking care of me, keeping me safe. I grieved the loss of my childhood, having to grow up and be the adult. I grieved the loss of my teen years, and all of my grief, hurt and anger spilled out in the form of self-destructive behaviors. I grieved my lack of understanding about abusive relationships and that I’d gotten into one. Over the years, I lost jobs that I loved, lost homes, at one point being homeless. I also had my home broken into and had lots of important things stolen, so again I lost a sense of safety, even in my own home.  I grieved for the lack of a good healthy relationship with my father. I grieved things like mass beaching of whales and grieved with the country on 9/11 and other shocking events. I also grieved the loss of connection with myself! I had always been such a deeply feeling person, I cried at the drop of a hat, I even cried when I was happy. When I laughed, I really laughed! For so many years however, I lost my emotions and feelings. I was numb, disconnected, at times even from reality. I was going through the motions of living but wasn’t really alive in the sense that I didn’t feel, didn’t experience or connect to what was going on around me. Somehow my brain and body in survival mode shut everything off, buried it deep. It’s really only been in the last year that this has begun slowly changing. If I even feel tears come to my eyes, I’m so grateful. I missed crying too… I also miss my idea of sanity or what that might be for other people. I am grateful that I have held on to what few “marbles” I have left, and that my brain works at all.

The experts say there are 5 main stages of grief. They are: Denial (I can’t believe this is happening to me), Anger (Why is this happening? Who’s to blame?), Bargaining (Please if you make this not true, I swear I will ___), Depression (I’m too sad to do anything) and finally Acceptance (I’ve made peace with it). However, many people will not experience some or any of these things. You also don’t have to follow all of these or any of them as a way to “grieve correctly” there is no “right way” to process loss. I have jumped around these patterns myself, particularly the bargaining aspect. I don’t know how many times over the years, I played a game with God. When I was a kid it was “Okay God, if you don’t let this happen, I promise I’ll be good, I’ll be so good!” God didn’t listen. When my sister, then a month to the day later my grandfather died, I fell to my knees and my soul broke into a million little pieces all over, I broke with God as well. I am building a relationship now based on the universe and in getting back what you put out there, but occasionally a conversation with God still happens…

There is no timeline, no amount of time it “should take” to get over loss. I think of loss as something that you don’t necessarily really ever “get over” it’s something you learn to deal with, live with. Particularly when we lose people we love, we don’t ever stop missing them. But maybe over time when we think of them, instead of tears, we remember something funny they said or did, or if they come up in conversation, we can share a happy story, something good we remember. But we’ll still have moments of longing, wishing, hoping, bargaining. Losses leave little nicks on our hearts, little scars on our souls but they don’t have to BECOME our souls, don’t have to replace our hearts. Even in our hurt, we can keep our hearts from becoming hard and shut off.

Even with all of the progress I have made in my personal journey, I still have feelings of unresolved grief. I miss lots of people, things, situations, and lost opportunities. I spent so many years avoiding grief and feeling that it sometimes comes bubbling up to the surface in the oddest of places at the strangest times. My mission now is to stop my lifelong habit of refusing to deal with it and stuff it back down, lock it up. I now acknowledge it and think about it in the context of where I am now as a person. When little inner child Kerri tries to react by hiding and running away, adult, trauma-informed Kerri takes her hand, sits down with her, comforts her, and tells her that she is safe, and it’s okay to face and feel what’s coming up for her. As I am writing this, I feel a small bit of tears in my eyes, so I know this image is a good and healing one for me to have and hold on to. My inner child still has a lot of processing and healing to do, and that’s okay, and I think it will always be a work in progress. I’m not sure I’m ever going to wake up and feel fantastic and wonderful, but if I do, I’m gonna celebrate the hell out of it!! The same goes for you, whatever it is you are grieving whatever sense of loss you feel no matter who, what, where, when or why, It’s okay, really. You can take all the time in the world and go through it in your OWN way, in your own time. Life is a series of things, people, places, times, and events that happen to each of us. Some things we have control over, but many we do not. We only have control over ourselves, what we say and do, and how we react and respond. One of the things that is so scary about loss is our lack of control over it. That’s where things like bargaining come into play. We want to and feel the need to take some control, make sense of loss. Especially death, that’s the ultimate loss. Once someone is gone, they’re gone. As organic beings, we have a shelf life. At some point, all of us hit that expiration date and we are no more. I know that as I’ve gotten older, and especially turning 60 this year, I’ve thought a lot about my own expiration date. As I’ve pulled myself slowly, excruciatingly (envision a huge dark deep hole with vertical walls of jagged rock) out of the darkness, I’ve really been working to “savor” moments more, enjoy conversations more, creating new connections, connecting to people, places, and events in more rich and meaningful ways. I really began to think about what I wanted out of the rest of my life, however long or short that might be. I appreciate the time I spend with those I love more now. It’s mindfulness, being mindful of how precious our time and energy is and directing it in ways that enrich my life, and hopefully I do that in return for others. Memories can be precious; and yes, they can be scary too. No matter what has happened to us, we can begin to choose to make new memories, build new thought processes, look at things and experiences in ways that aren’t scary, that we’re not afraid of. Sitting in small moments of gratitude, being grateful for waking up, grateful for what we DO have rather than what we don’t. Does it work that way every day for me? Nope! When I wake up, my brain does what it always has, spirals out into everything I have to do, and get accomplished. It’s overwhelming and my thought is, “I have to face another day!” However, I now stop that kind of thought, and I think instead about music, or something I’d like to listen to. Music was so important to me growing up, it was one of the things that saved me. But in my trauma, for years, I stopped listening to music at all. Every song brought back some pain or loss for me. So now, I find something that appeals to me depending on my “taste” in the moment and I lay back and listen…If it brings something up, I acknowledge it, but I make room for the pleasant memories this music can bring up too. I slow down my thinking, and try to be in the moment, not ahead, not behind, but in the now. Be. Here. Now. This moment, this redirecting of my thoughts, just this, has helped me in so many ways I can’t tell you. You can start here too if you choose to or not. It’s all about choice. Listen again “It’s all about choice” You can start today, tomorrow, next week, or never but it is your choice to make. Sorry for the “old lady ramble!” I knew this topic would take me there and I let it! But I guess the most important point is that life is meant to be LIVED! So LIVE IT! Be the thing, eat the food, take the trips, write, create, be silly, play, explore, read, learn, experience, go, seek, ask questions. Be the change you wish to see in the world! Write your own story, live your own truth, do what you are scared to do, live as bravely as you dare! Choices all.. What will you choose today?

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a writing exercise designed to help you name and identify losses of any kind you might be experiencing. We’ll identify strengths you have and find new ways to reframe, process, and heal from loss. I invite you to get a piece of paper, a notebook, sticky notes or whatever you would like to use, and something to write with.

I would like to invite you to find a quiet, peaceful, and calm place in order to feel more fully present during this exercise. If you’d like, you could listen to some soothing calming music, light candles, use your favorite essential oils or fragrance. Whatever you feel is helpful and supportive for you.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

As we’ve discussed, grief and loss can take many different forms and we can grieve many different things in our lives.

1.       On your paper, write out your loss, what or who you are missing. It could be as many as you choose.

2.       Next, write out any “associated” losses. These are unanticipated losses related to your primary loss. For example, if you’ve lost a job, associated losses might be loss of financial stability, loss of friendships and connections, routine. If it’s a person, associated losses could look like the absence of their person, loss of connection, ect.

3.       Next, looking at what you’ve written, ask yourself and write out these questions:

a.       What did I love about what or who I lost?

b.       What do I miss about what or who I lost?

c.       How will my life change as a result of this loss?

4.       Next, explore what is different about you now as a result of this loss. What you feel is important may be different, life might be different for you now. Ask yourself and write out these questions:

a.       Who am I now?

b.       What’s different now?

c.       What am I holding on to that no longer serves me after my loss?

5.       Next, I’d like you to imagine your future self. Healing from loss is a process and it will take as long as it takes. Ask yourself and write out these questions:

a.       What is one thing I can do to move forward from my loss?

b.       What have I learned about myself through experiencing this loss?

c.       What are some strengths I have used in order to keep going, keep functioning as best as I could while experiencing this loss?

d.       Who do I see myself becoming after moving through the experience of this loss?

6.       Finally, I would like to invite you to think about something you might be grateful for as it relates to this loss. For example, thinking about the loss of a loved one, you can be grateful for the fact that you had them in your life, grateful for what they brought to you, taught you, grateful for the times and experiences you had with them. If your loss is a situation such as a job, another change or life event, you might be grateful for what you learned and experienced during that time, and how you might be able to apply this knowledge to a new situation.

a.       Write out what you are grateful for, what you learned about yourself, and how you can use this gratitude as a way to help reframe your thoughts going forward.

7.       Finally, I would like to invite you to try daily to write out 1 to 3 things you are grateful for. Identifying and naming what we are grateful for is a powerful way to retrain our brains and pull them out of those well-worn trauma survival patterns. I find that this works best for me first thing in the morning after listening to my music, stretching out my muscles, and getting my coffee. It can be absolutely anything you choose; nothing is silly or unimportant. Whether it’s being grateful for waking up, being able to brush your teeth or watering your plants, name it and claim it!

Even something as awful as grief and loss can teach us things about ourselves. When death or loss happens, in spite of our grief, shock, and pain, we still go through our daily lives in whatever way that looks like for us. That takes incredible strength and courage. We do our best, and that best will look differently every day and that’s okay. If our best one day is 2%, that’s our best and is absolutely okay.

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!