Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 29 and we’re going to talk about avoidant behaviors and why we use them as a result of trauma.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma and Resiliency Life Coach, a Certified Trauma Support Specialist, Advocate, and someone with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. 

Alright, let’s dive in!

To start off, everyone avoids things from time to time. No one likes to deal with negative things, events, people, difficulties, or consequences. Notice that I said from time to time!  However, when we experience trauma and all of the pain that comes with it in all of its many different forms (physical, emotional, mental, financial, environmental, social, relational), it’s a tangle of awfulness! These are all things that we don’t want to feel or process. This is especially true if we have had many traumatic things happen to us. It’s overwhelming pain that we are exposed to over and over again. Who wants to feel that? So over time, we shove down and bury that pain. We hide it deep within ourselves, so we don’t have to deal with it. Avoidance is an emergency coping response we develop. When we feel helpless and vulnerable, avoidance gives us a sense of control. We also bury our trauma so we can “move on” and keep functioning. Along with this we may either consciously or unconsciously begin to avoid people, places, events, situations, and things that we associate with those traumas. For example, if you are bitten by a dog as a child, you may develop a fear of dogs. You then do everything you can to avoid being around or even seeing dogs. You could develop a hatred for dogs, even avoiding going to a friend’s house because they have a dog. It makes sense, you have a traumatic event, develop a fear, then do everything that is within your power to make sure you are never bitten again.

Often, however, what begins to happen is that we use avoidance as a coping skill. We avoid anything that might be scary, new, challenging, or unfamiliar. We put things off, we procrastinate. We are so used to burying things that aren’t comfortable for us, that we apply it to everything. One thing that many of us as trauma survivors have is “all or nothing” thinking. It’s either one way or the other, there is no middle ground. So, in using avoidant behavior, instead of avoiding just the situations that caused us trauma, we avoid everything! Our avoidant behaviors can cause us to feel disconnected not only from ourselves and our surroundings but reality as well. We may not even feel physical pain. This can lead to self-harming behaviors like “cutting.” In an effort to have some control, we might develop eating disorders. We also might develop OCD like behaviors, we can become overthinkers and over planners. We might use substances as a further way to avoid “feeling.” We also do anything and everything we can to “distract” ourselves and shift our focus. Do you ever grab your phone and start mindlessly scrolling? Or binge-watching shows or YouTube videos? Me too! We also avoid conflict in a big way! Anything that deals with disagreeing with another, standing up for ourselves, or being assertive feels “wrong” and scary, so we just don’t do it. If there is a possibility someone might get “mad” at us, or find fault with us, nope, we’re not going there! We then might begin avoiding anything that is distressful or that causes fear. Our world can become small, we might not feel safe in the world. So, we have very few relationships, we isolate. We miss out on so much of life, yet we wonder why we can’t just be “happy!”

I have always been the “queen” of avoidance! It has been my go-to coping skill throughout my life. Throughout all of the layers upon layers of traumatic events I experienced, I stuffed down my trauma, and thought I was fine, I thought I didn’t have any issues. I kept myself so busy, trying to be “perfect” at everything, as a wife, mother, an employee, I never realized I was trying to “outrun” my trauma! I didn’t have time to think about, feel, or deal with it. Over time, I began to shut down even more, shut off my feelings, and emotions. As I got older and my children grew up and moved out, my world became smaller and smaller. I became frozen, trapped, stuck in an awful cycle of avoidance. It impacted every aspect of my life, my physical and mental health, my relationships, my work, my environment. I felt completely helpless, guilty, ashamed of myself. It’s that self-destructive spiral that just goes on and on..

Avoidant behaviors can snowball and get worse over time. It can impact our ability to work, our finances, almost every aspect of our lives. We are trying so hard to control our lives to keep ourselves from pain, from being hurt again, that it becomes this huge wall, a barrier to the outside, to life. We create this illusion of safety for ourselves. Only the “known” is safe, everything else is a threat! But as we continue to avoid things that really need our attention, like our finances for example, this can lead to serious issues. If we spend money we don’t really have we can end up being overdrawn in our bank account. If we don’t pay our bills, they might compound fees and penalties, so we end up owing even more money. It’s a vicious cycle: Avoid, negative consequences, avoid, more negative consequences, on and on. These kinds of things also reinforce in a negative way how we “see” ourselves, how we feel about ourselves. We don’t feel capable, smart, self-confident, sure of ourselves. The deeper and deeper we get into our avoidant behaviors, the worse we feel. Each negative consequence makes us feel helpless, out of control, and brings us a feeling of “failure.”

At the core of all of it is fear, we are scared to death of being hurt again. We have been through so much; we don’t ever want to feel those things again. We are also terrified of making mistakes, of failure. We are so afraid of being afraid that we don’t even try. We feel stuck, frozen, unable to move. We feel helpless, powerless, out of control. Under all of that are the behaviors we developed in order to cope with our trauma. They were survival behaviors that served a purpose at that time, in those moments. But now they are holding us back, keeping us from everything that life has to offer us.

We need to remember that in this moment, we are safe. What is facing us now is NOT what we were facing in the past, back then. Our feelings and thoughts are just that, they are reactions that our mind has developed around things that have happened to us. The facts are that we did go through some awful, terrible, painful, life altering and traumatic things. We were hurt in so many ways. We found ways to survive it, get through it all, right up to this moment. Survivors of any trauma are a testament to the absolute strength and resiliency of the human spirit. When you even look at trauma through the lens of history through current events, human beings are capable of amazing things! We are beings who want to live, to succeed, to thrive. We want connection, community, a tribe of like-minded and supportive people. When we are born, we are a clean slate. We have no preconceived ideas, no biases, no prejudices, no guilt, no shame, no judgements. We are primed to learn, to grow, to be curious, full of infinite possibilities! The limits that come to us are created by so many things, but we can learn to remove those limits, tear down those walls that we’ve built. We can open ourselves to our own limitless expanse, re-prime that natural need to connect, to try, to thrive, not just survive!

Is it easy? Absolutely not. It takes work, patience, and lots of self-compassion and self-care. We know things aren’t working they way they are now in our lives, and we want to make a change. It takes stepping out of our comfort zone, taking a step towards the unknown, the unfamiliar. It’s uncomfortable as hell, and we’ll automatically throw up those old well-worn survival patterns of avoidance. But in learning about our avoidant behaviors, why we do it and what it really means, can help us to create a new plan, a new strategy. We can change the unhealthy into healthy, negative into a positive, limited to limitless, impossible to possible. We start small, one step at a time. You can’t change things overnight, it takes time. But we’ll get there, I promise, we’ll work together, I’m with you every step of the way!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

This is a writing exercise. Before we begin, if you’d like to try this with me, please get a piece of paper, a notebook, even a sticky note and a pencil or pen. If you are like me, you could even type it out in a word document. Whatever way you participate is fine, as long as it works for you, that’s what matters.

I’d like to invite you to find a place that’s quiet, calm, and as free from distractions as possible. If you’d like you could light some candles, put on some quiet calming music, burn some incense, or use some of your favorite essential oils on the palms of your hands. Breath in the scent. You are in a safe space, you are safe in this moment, in the now.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

1.       I would like you to think about what might be weighing you down. What is it that is weighing on you the heaviest right now? When your mind goes to what is stressful for you, what is it that comes up first for you over and over? Write whatever that is down. It can be a word, a thought, anything.

2.       Next, I invite you to think about this heavy thing, and write down what it is about this thing that is causing you stress? What effect is this “thing” having on you?

3.       Next, think about what you have done or are currently doing to deal with this heavy thing. Identify what things you have done.  If what you have been doing to deal with it is to avoid it, or put it off, then write that out.

4.       Next, looking at what you have done or are currently doing to deal with this heavy thing, can you write out your thoughts as to whether these seem like healthy ways to deal with it, or do they seem unhealthy to you? Why do they seem healthy or unhealthy to you?

5.       Next, looking at this heavy thing and your ideas around it, what are things that you can identify about it as being within your control? Remember, we only have control over ourselves, our actions, reactions, and responses we have no control over others.

6.       Next write out what is not in your control in dealing with this heavy thing.

7.       Next, go back to what you wrote out as to what is within your control with this situation. What is one small first step you can take, one action you can complete in order to deal with this?

8.       After you take this first step you’ve identified in order to deal with this heavy thing, what is something good you can do for yourself as a reward? Something just for you, something healthy you could do? It could be something small, something positive, perhaps starting a step in a new healthier routine that is supportive for your health and wellbeing.

Something I’ve started for myself that has been immensely helpful is beginning my morning with a gratitude routine. I use an app, but you don’t have to. You can start by just thinking about or writing down 3 things you are grateful for in the morning. Keep a notebook or journal next to your bed, make it easy to do. Sometimes just those small changes can pave the way for bigger change. The app I use is called “Gratitude: Self-Care Journal” by Hapjoy Technologies. It gives you different prompts daily, has an affirmation section, daily Zen, and you can even create your own vision board with photos! It isn’t free, but there are a ton of highly rated free apps you can use. You could also use your own basic phone tools like google or Iphone tasks and reminders to create your own unique prompts. Be creative and put together something that speaks to you! You can even create your own college in your photos as a type of vision board! For example, you could put photos together for your “dream vacation” or “dream career!” Put together a college of family, friends, or pets! Another idea is a collage of sayings or quotes that speak to you!

I hope this exercise was something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill, we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, follow me, and share widely! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcasts, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!