Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 5 Early Childhood Trauma. I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma, so let’s dive in!

We’re going to spend quite a bit of time with this subject, because there is a LOT of ground to cover. Childhood trauma affects us on so many different levels. As we move through this subject, if at any time you feel triggered, please stop listening, do some deep breathing exercises or other relaxation techniques, and come back when your ready!

This also not me giving parenting advice! I made a TON of mistakes as a parent, we all do, whether we have a trauma history or not! I’m taking information from published studies and methods available from reliable sources, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and others. I will also relate my personal experiences, what’s made sense to me and helped me, in the hopes of connecting my thoughts and feelings to something you may have gone through.

I mentioned in a previous episode about how stress can begin to affect us even before we’re born! A pregnant mother who experiences repeated toxic stress has Nor-Adrenaline, Adrenaline, and Cortisol running through her system. These chemicals naturally produced by the body in response to that “fight, flight or freeze” mode we feel, can pass through the placenta, to the brain and body of the developing baby. One study has shown that mothers exposed to higher anxiety levels were more likely to have babies with weaker connections in the brain having to do with higher functioning and cognitive abilities. This might affect the way a child learns, thinks, problem solves, organizes things, memory, speech, and language. This can lead to developmental and physical health issues across the child’s lifespan. Overly stressed mothers may be more likely to have lower birthweight babies too. So, in certain situations, we may be at a bit of a disadvantage before we even enter the world.

Babies are born as little balls of need! Unlike other animals who can stand, move, even run shortly after birth, we human animals are helpless! We’re born before our brains are fully developed, we can’t see well, or do much of anything other than our basic human functions. Babies eat, sleep…and cry..A LOT!! Crying is the only way they have of letting their caregivers know that they have a need that has to be met. They’re hungry, tired, need to be changed, or startled, the list goes on! I know that when my children were babies, that had certain “kinds” of crying that I learned to identify. There was the general “I’m kinda unhappy” cry, more fussy. Then there was the “I’m getting more worked up” cry which was a bit more intense. Then there was the “four alarm fire” cry which sent alarm bells up my spine to my brain and propelled me as fast as I could go to their room! There is a kind of instinct that develops when we bond with our babies.

Bonding can begin before the baby is born. The baby, in the womb can hear the sound of their mother’s and father’s voices. Parents can feel the baby move, hear their baby’s heartbeat during doctor’s visits, and see them via ultrasound. This begins the bonding process. Then when the baby is born, new parents hold, cuddle, talk to, stroke, feed, and change them. A nursing mother, at hearing their babies cry, may leak breastmilk. All of these things help to create connections with our babies.

It's also natural at times, for it to take longer to bond with the baby. Having a brand-new little person that is completely dependent on you can be overwhelming! Babies SHOULD come with instruction manuals and warning labels, but they don’t! Sometimes, it takes the action of caring for the baby, and over time bonding can happen.

Bonding is very important to the baby as well. When we feed, cuddle, talk to, respond, and care for them in warm and loving ways, it creates security. It also helps babies mentally and physically. When we interact lovingly with them, gaze into their eyes, touch and cuddle them, it releases hormones that help the baby’s brain to grow. Then they begin to develop memory, thought and language. There is a metaphor or something that creates a kind of explanation that describes the interaction between caregivers and a child called “Serve and Return.”  This compares the interactions to a tennis match. Newborns will naturally begin to interact with their caregivers by using facial expressions, cooing, babbling, and body movement. This is the baby’s “serve.” When caregivers “return” the child’s “serve” in a positive way, this creates a “rally.” Think of the constant back and forth serve and return of a tennis match between players. When we consistently respond to them lovingly, they learn that their world is a safe place, and this begins to lay the foundation of their development and wellbeing throughout their childhood. In safety and security, they will learn, explore, and play as they grow. Babies also learn from what their senses “tell” them. Smells, what and who they see, what they hear, touch, and feel all help brain, body, and emotional development. Environment also factors into a babies’ experience. A calm nurturing environment can lead to a more balanced brain, body, and nervous system, which leads to growth, exploration, and play.

But what happens to babies, specifically newborns, if that bonding, or attachment with their caregivers doesn’t happen?

A lack of bonding or attachment can happen for many reasons. Newborns, just as all babies and children generally, are affected by their caregivers’ stressors, moods, emotions, actions, and reactions. If a newborn is separated from a familiar caregiver, this can also have an impact on them. Environment also plays a part. If the environment is chaotic, unstable, or noisy, this will have an effect on them too.

If a caregiver especially has a history themselves of trauma and adversity, they may lack the understanding, ability, and emotional responses needed in order to form a bond with their baby. They may literally not know what to do, or how to respond. This is not a fault on the part of the caregiver! Remember, with our trauma histories, these are things that happened to us, we didn’t choose them or how they affected us!

If a newborn faces distressing, scary, confusing, chaotic, and unstable events, caregivers, and environments, different things begin to happen with them. These things scare them naturally. They may begin to show signs of high levels of distress when separated from their primary caregivers. They may have a “frozen” gaze or a staring kind of look in their eyes. They don’t look at you as most babies will mostly do. They may not react and respond to things in a normal way. They may not smile or make satisfying "cooing" noises. They might startle very easily. They might cry excessively, and no matter how hard their caregivers try to soothe them, they may not calm down.

Earlier, I talked about the “serve and return” example of interactions between a baby and their caregivers. What happens if the child’s “serve” is not returned consistently, or at all? It interrupts things on many levels, particularly brain development. It can lead to delays in learning, speech, and emotional development. Without a change, or positive intervention, it can constant have impacts throughout the child’s life. Chronic or toxic stress from events or the environment in babies’ and children lives (just as with adults) is the constant activation and reactivation of that survival mode, that fight, flight, or freeze response. But in babies and children, what affects them the most is this state of hypervigilance without protective and supportive caregivers. Think of a car engine revving at a high level for a very long time! Babies need to feel safe, secure, loved, and supported, just like we all do!  Negative things, events, people, and situations come up for all of us in life. In a healthy caregiver/baby relationship, if something bad, scary, or distressing happens and the baby is scared, startled, or upset, the caregiver goes to the baby, picks them up, and begins to try and sooth and comfort them. This could look like holding them close, making gentle soothing noises to them, and rocking them gently. With these consistent responses to the baby’s distress, they learn safety and security. They learn that the caregivers in their lives can be trusted to care for them when their upset and will keep them from harm. This leads to a healthier development across the child’s life. The absence of this kind of support and security not only affects brain growth and development, but it can lead to physical changes as well. It could mean a weakened immune system and can impact the cardiovascular system (which includes the heart and is the system responsible for delivering blood and oxygen throughout the body) which can snowball into other health impacts later in life.

Ok Kerri, so what’s your point?? My point is to start at the very beginning of how trauma can affect us. If it can impact us even before we’re born, and we continue to experience it in childhood and beyond, is it any wonder why we struggle so much? Why we have such a hard time with therapy, counseling, and medications? Why we have a hard time with relationships of all kinds? Why we struggle socially? Why we can’t enjoy life, or feel happy? Why we have mental health, thinking, and physical issues? And why caring for ourselves particularly is so hard? We don’t give ourselves enough credit for just doing what we can do on a daily basis! Some days, that might look like kicking butt and getting things done, other days it might look like not even getting out of bed, AND THAT’S OKAY!

This also isn’t meant to take away from those who’ve experienced trauma at other points in their lives: Trauma is trauma no matter when it happens to us. My personal experiences just happen to start with childhood trauma from my very first memory that I can recall at 3 years old! There are so many of us that are aware that we’ve had traumatic childhoods, but I think there are many others struggling who may not even be aware of it! By starting at the beginning, and working our way forward, we can begin to lay the foundation of our understanding around our experiences. Think of the beginning of the building of a house. The first thing that gets built, is the foundation, the very bottom layer of the house. Picture in your mind a big, thick, grey, concrete slab. This is what supports every other piece of the house, every board, nail, wall, joint, up to the roof! That concrete slab is where we start, and as we learn and find new ways to add to and build on to our mental “house,” we’ll see it come together, piece by piece! But as I say, we take things one baby step at a time, hopefully forward, but at times, we’ll take a step or two backward, and that’s okay too. Gaining knowledge, and learning new things happens at our own pace, and in our own unique ways! However, it works for you is perfectly fine!

So, you know me, I like to close us out with an exercise of some kind, something we can add to that coping skills toolbox that we’re building together. As always, you don’t have to do this right now or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind in case you ever need it!

As we’ve begun talking about our childhoods, let’s try something that may be helpful in calming our nervous system. This is a Somatic Experiencing exercise, which helps you get back in touch with your body.

This can be done either sitting or standing. Get comfortable. Your body should be comfortably aligned, with your spine comfortably straight. We’ll start with mindful belly breathing. Start with slow breaths in through your nose (your belly should push out when you inhale, not with your chest moving out) for a count of five. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Slowly exhale out of your mouth (your belly should move in as you exhale) for a count of five. Do this five times.

Notice any feelings or sensations in your body, lightly. Place either your left or right hand whatever feels right and place your hand on your forehead. Your hand should be relaxed against your forehead. You can apply some pressure if that feels right for you and notice the contact of your hand on your forehead, and the feeling of your forehead making contact with your hand. Breathe slowly as you do this.

Then, take your other hand, and place it on your collarbone, on your upper chest. Notice what that feels like, notice the feeling of your hand on your chest, and the feeling of your chest on your hand. Feel that contact. Notice the support of your own two hands. Continue slowly breathing as you notice these sensations.

Then when you’re ready, take the hand that was on your forehead, and place it under the hand on your collarbone. Feel that contact. Breathe slowly. When you are ready, take the upper hand, and place it under the lower hand, this should feel like the area of your lower chest right before your belly starts. Continue slowly breathing. Then when you’re ready, take the upper hand and move it under your lower hand, it should be on your belly. Notice your breathing and notice your belly moving as you breathe. Feel the rise and fall under your hands. Then when you’re ready, take that upper hand and place it under your lower hand. Your hand should be on your lower belly. Continue slowly breathing, have a soft belly, feel the sensation of your belly moving under your hands. You can stay this way for a while, or you can remove your hands and focus on going back to your mindful belly breathing. Notice how you are feeling in your body and your mind. Are you more calm and centered? Is your body more relaxed?

I hope this exercise is something you found helpful, and it’s another tool to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out anything you need to in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected. I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. If you want to, you can copy the information and paste it into a word document to keep on your computer as a handy reference guide!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow,com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk again soon!