Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 7 Early Childhood Trauma part 3. I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. The information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Also, as we talk about childhood traumatic experiences, this is NOT me giving parenting advice! I made a TON of mistakes as a parent, we all do, whether we have a trauma history or not! I’m taking information from published studies and readily available from reliable sources, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and others. I will also relate my personal experiences, what’s made sense to me and helped me, in the hopes of connecting my thoughts and feelings to something you may have gone through. As we go through this topic, it could get a bit triggering. If it does, stop listening, take a break and do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other exercises we’ve learned, and come back when you’re ready.

Alright let’s dive in!

In episode 6, we talked about childhood trauma between the ages of 1-6 years old. Today, we’re taking a look at how trauma can impact children ages 6-12 years old. As children grow, develop, and process experiences, their behaviors can look very different the older they get. They develop more distinct personalities, likes and dislikes, and emotions. Their individual personalities begin to emerge. I know that between these ages, I radically changed in many ways, but in other ways, not so much! That fear-based thinking, hypervigilance, and survival mode was always there. That fear, anger, adult behavior, problems learning, nightmares, sleep issues, and so much more, were all common behaviors that can show up in children exposed to trauma. These things also follow us into adulthood, I know mine certainly did!

In these years between 1969 and 1975, we moved from Ohio to California, back to Ohio, then to West Virginia. During this time, we lost my grandmother, my mom’s mom, whom I adored. This was my first experience with the “death” of a loved one, and it was very hard. My mom continued to bounce back and forth between hospital stays and home. My dad traveled a lot for his job, so he was gone often, which was fine with me and my mom. Things were much better when he was gone. Mom and I had our own routine, and I had that “safety” in being her caregiver. That was my little bit of “control” I thought I had. School was a nightmare! I got bullied and teased at every new school. I was painfully, almost cripplingly shy. I did everything to avoid being called on in class, I was terrified of it. I had learned that most adults “weren’t safe.” When I did get called on, I would have that “out of body” experience, I would just disassociate. The other kids in class would laugh at me and think I was stupid or that there was something “wrong” with me. Even teachers belittled me, made me feel worse, singled out. There were times I got physically attacked by other kids. In the 4th grade one time in the girl’s bathroom, one student held my arms behind my back so another girl could punch me repeatedly in my stomach. At this same time, some neighborhood boys would catch me when I got off the bus every day to physically hurt me. I would get off the bus and run as fast as I could to get in my house before they could catch me. I remember one time, they cut me off before I could get into my yard. All I can remember was spinning crazily in a circle with one arm stretched out holding my lunchbox, like some kind of weapon that might protect me! I didn’t understand at all what I could have done to provoke all of these kinds of behaviors from other kids. My mother’s only response ever, was to tell me to just “ignore them, and eventually they’ll get bored and stop.” Believe me, it didn’t work. My grandfather was living with us at this time, and it became his job to stand outside and wait for me when I got off the bus. The teasing and bullying just got worse and happened ON the bus instead! Bullying is a very real and serious issue for children. It’s not just “kids being kids” particularly not for the child being bullied. During these years, children are trying to find ways to “belong”, and no child wants to stand out in any negative way. I mean, at ANY age, we want to be accepted by our peers, right? Now with the addition of online or “cyber” bullying, it just takes it to an unbelievable level!

When my grandfather, my mom’s dad, was living with us, it made things much more difficult. I loved him dearly, and he meant well, but he got involved in the arguments too. He was a doctor, retired by this time. He had lived with both of my uncle’s and us at different times after my grandmother died. We were all happy when my dad was out of town. I have a very specific memory that comes up for me. Every evening, when my dad was gone, my mom and I would go to my grandfather’s room. It was like “family” time. My grandfather would bring out his doctor’s bag, a black bag with a handle, like you’d see in old movies. Then, he and my mother would give each other injections. I asked my mother, what the “shots” were. She told me they were just “shots” of B12. I was 7 at the time, I knew what that was, it was a “vitamin.” My curiosity was satisfied, and I didn’t think anything of it. It was my “normal.” Years later, in becoming aware of my mother’s addiction problems, it suddenly occurred to me, that most likely, that wasn’t B12...

I remember the night my dad and my grandfather got into a huge fight. I was in bed, listening to it all. It ended up with my dad telling my grandfather he had to leave. My mother said she was leaving too. There was no mention of her taking me. I remember running out to the hallway by the front door. My dad caught me, and I looked up at him and said, “if mom’s going, I’m going with her!” Dad didn’t say anything, and I don’t remember what happened right after that. My grandfather did leave, my mom did not. I remember at 6 years old, very clearly, trying to talk my mom into divorcing my dad. I told her that I would get a job, and take care of her, that we’d be fine! In my mind, there was no reason why a 6 year old couldn’t get a job! I did a great “sell” job, she listened to me, I thought I “had” her.. I was very upset that it never happened! That “role reversal” in our relationship was just crazy!

When my dad was home, his drinking continued, and so did my parents constant fighting. If they weren’t fighting, the tension in the house was awful, like something you could almost physically feel and touch. As I mentioned before, my escape was books and music. My other escape hatch was being outdoors, I loved it! Remember, this was long before personal technology! We went out to play. When you were young, did you have anything you did or any activities that enabled you to escape a bit? I remember being as young as 6 , I would wake up with the sun, grab my fishing pole, tackle box, and net, and head out. I was such a tomboy, and an avid nature and animal lover! We lived in a neighborhood with a lake and 2 ponds. I fished, hunted for frogs, turtles, and snakes! I might go back to the house for lunch, but if I did, I’d go right back out, and not come back til dark.  I know that when my kids were that age, there was no way I’d let them (or even that they’d be capable of) be gone all day, or traipse around deep bodies of water alone that young! But again, this was just our “normal!”

At this age, one day, I was out with 2 of my friends, both boys my age, hunting for turtles by the lake, a young man approached us. He was friendly, and as we told him what we were doing, he said he knew a great place to find turtles, near the back of the lake. That was great! He said to follow him, and he’d show us the spot. We made our way to the back of the lake. As we kept walking, little alarm bells began going off in my mind..the route wasn’t one I was familiar with, and I was afraid of getting lost. He led us to a good sized pool, fed by the lake. I looked around, and it didn’t seem to me to be a good spot to find turtles. The young man then quickly began to strip off all of his clothes. I froze, I knew this wasn’t right. He got into the water, and began encouraging me to get in the water with him. My mind raced, I wasn’t sure how to find my way out, back to the road. At this point, both of my friends began to leave!! I screamed at them not to leave me! They hesitated, but then started to leave again…I darted after them, all of us moving as fast as we could… I told my parents about what happened, but nothing came of it, and they continued to let me roam as I wished!

My sister Erin was born in 1971, surprising us all! My mother had been told that because of her health, she wouldn’t get pregnant again. But Erin was born happy and healthy. I began taking care of her and keeping her safe. My caregiver role expanded a lot! She drove me nuts as all younger siblings will, but I loved her so much.

In 1974, we moved to Morgantown West Virginia, and this move changed my life drastically, for both good and bad. Our new neighborhood was nice, and it was here, for the first time I actually made good friends with the kids on our street. Home was still the same, but the friends I made at this time, saved my life! Particularly my first real BEST friend. I won’t name her but if she ever listens to this, she’ll know! She was 2 years older than me, and I idolized her! She taught me so much! She taught me it was okay and SAFE to have fun, be silly, and not care what other people thought, which was a completely new idea for me! I’d always HAD to worry about what others thought, especially when it came to my peer group. I wanted to melt into the background so I wouldn’t stand out.

During this time, every Sunday, we all piled into the car to go “for a drive.” My grandfather was living with us again, so my parents, my sister, my grandfather, and I would all get in the car, and dad would drive us to some gorgeous scenic spot. West Virginia is beautiful, so there’s lots of pretty places to see. These outings however didn’t end up well. The adults were tense, short, and sniping with each other. They would make little degrading comments to each other.  I tried to focus on the scenery but as always, I was hyper-attuned to the adult’s attitudes, always waiting for the eventual blow up that would occur. I hated these drives, and just wanted for them to be over! Even so called “fun” activities just turned out awfully!

I didn’t have guidance from readily available, healthy adults to help me work through or process things. I was on my own to figure things out, and as kids, we just don’t have the skills necessary to think things out logically, or to weigh the “pros and cons” of situations. So, we develop behaviors, reactions, thoughts, and emotions, based on our own experiences. I’ll give you an example of something that happened to me. I call this my “Lather, Rinse, Repeat” story! So, my best girlfriend, who taught me so much, one day we were at her house. I was 10 or 11 at the time. We were in her basement, and she was washing her hair in a big white “utility” sink. I watched her wet her hair, lather it up with shampoo, scrub for a minute, and rinse it. She grabbed her towel to wrap it around her hair, and I was stunned! I said “What are you doing? You have to shampoo it again!” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind! She asked “Why?” I said, “Because that’s what it says on the shampoo bottle, lather, rinse, and repeat!” She started laughing, looked at me and said “Kerri, they put that on the bottles, so you use more shampoo, then you have to buy more quicker!” My mouth fell open in amazement as a new idea dawned on me! I lived and died by reading the directions on packages. No one taught me anything, so I read directions on everything! So, now I could change or vary things according to what I wanted, or needed? The “directions” police weren’t gonna come nab me because I didn’t follow directions exactly? What a concept!!! I don’t know if any of you can relate, but this literally changed my view of the world!! You’ll hear me talk about this again in a future episode when we’ll talk about the fact that “we don’t know what we don’t know!”

I figured I’d tell more of my story because as we’ve been learning, when we experience repeated traumatic experiences especially as children, it makes physical changes in our brains. All of the distressing and traumatic events I’d experienced along with my brain in constant survival mode during those critical years of development, was “re-routing” itself. It created well-worn survival “pathways” and over time, other ways I in which I could have learned, such as developing critical thinking skills, was lessened, or diminished. Those well-worn patterns over time develop into “auto-pilot” or automatic behaviors and responses. These “go-to” behaviors just happen, we don’t even have to think about it. These patterns can persist throughout our lives. Ever wonder why you react, behave, and respond to things in ways you don’t understand? You might think “Why do I always (say this, do that, react that way)? It could just be those automatic “go to’s” your brain developed in order to keep you safe when you needed it! The good news is that we can let those old pathways go now because they no longer serve us. As we’re learning together, we are gaining knowledge, skills and tools we can use to re-wire our brains! As we practice these skills, they create new pathways in our brains! The more we practice, the more we can “re-route” those old, well worn survival automatic pathways to newer, healthier pathways! Think old worn out, two-lane road, to a shiny new 8 lane superhighway!!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

These are a couple of easy Somatic Experiencing techniques to get you back in touch with your body. It can increase awareness, be grounding, and can calm anxiety.

Find a comfortable and quiet place to sit.

We always start with mindful belly breathing. Close your eyes or keep them open. Inhale slowly through your nose, your belly should naturally push out as you inhale, for a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, for a count of five.

You can start by either closing your eyes, or you can keep them open, whatever is more comfortable for you. If your eyes are open, just let them relax on something in front of you.

Begin by bringing your awareness down to your feet. Feel your feet connecting to the floor.

Gently rock your feet up on the balls of your feet then up slightly onto your toes: this is a gentle movement with a slight lift up on your toes. Then gently drop back onto your heels. Again just coming up on the balls of your feet, your toes, and letting your heels drop. Do this a few more times. Continue your slow breathing.

Next, we’re going to gently flex the toes, curl your toes in, relax, curl again, relax. You can wiggle your toes if you want. Keep flexing your toes out and curling a few more times.

Let your feet come to a place of stillness. Feel and sense the area of your feet connecting to the floor. Do you have on socks or shoes? Notice how your feet feel in your socks or shoes. Are your feet bare? Is the floor bare, or carpeted? Feel the sensation of your feet on that surface. Notice if there is any sense of temperature in your feet. if you have on shoes or socks, are your warm or cold? If your feet are bare on the floor. Is it cool, or warm?

Next, we’re going to move our awareness to our seat, the area where you are connected to your chair. This helps give us a sense of grounding and stability underneath us if we are feeling a little ungrounded.

This exercise is called “Sway Like Bamboo.” Bring awareness to your “sits bones” the area where you are connected to your chair. Begin to slowly shift your weight side to side, gently rocking. Your back can be connected to the back of the chair, or you could come forward a little bit. You might allow this movement to be really tiny, or really big, going really far side to side. You are swaying back and forth like a reed of bamboo, swaying in the breeze. Notice the pressure changes under each one of your “sits bones” as you sway. As you sway to the left, the pressure of your right glute, eases up a bit, becomes light, and as you sway to the right, the pressure on your left glute eases up, and becomes a little lighter. Keep swaying side to side. Relax your jaw, relax your neck. Breath in slowly and breathe out a bit longer than your inhale. Slowly and gently slow your swaying until you stop and come back to center. Rest back into your chair, letting your back be supported, hands just resting in your lap. Breathe slowly in through your nose, and out of your mouth as you relax.

How do you feel? Do you feel more grounded, more relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’m also going to begin demonstrating all of the skills, and techniques, and adding related content on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow,com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!