Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 9. I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.

Alright let’s dive in!

So in the last episode, we talked about childhood trauma between the ages of 13 through 18. As we’ve gone through how childhood trauma can affect us from before we’re born through the age of 18, I thought this would be a good place to talk about the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire or ACES. So just what is it? Well to start, Adverse Childhood Experiences are potentially traumatic events that happen during childhood. This could be anything that made a child feel “unsafe” and threatened in some way. The ACES questionnaire was developed by Kaiser Permanente, and they conducted a study from 1995-1997. The ACES questionnaire is a series of 10 questions describing different traumatic events that might have happened before the age of 18. These questions are yes or no, and fairly easy to answer. However, there are many different types of traumatic events that this study doesn’t cover. It doesn’t take into account things like environment, racism and other forms of discrimination, natural disasters, and many other contributing factors. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) 61% of adults had experienced at least 1 ACE before they were 18, and nearly 1 in 6 reported 4 or more ACES. A High ACES score is considered as 4 or more. A score of 7-10 is extremely high. My score is an 8. The only ones I answered no to were: parents getting divorced, and parents being incarcerated.   A high ACES score has been shown to contribute to many health issues, both mentally and physically. A high score can lead to depression and other mental health problems, along with chronic health conditions such as heart disease, cancer, and diabetes. Studies have also shown that a high ACES score can reduce your life expectancy by 20 years! I highly recommend watching a Ted Talk by Nadine Burke Harris called “How Childhood Trauma Affects Health Across a Lifetime. I’ll put it up on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

I’m going to read you the questions, and for every yes answer, give yourself 1 point. Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all, whatever is most comfortable for you. You can also find this online and could take it that way if you choose. If this becomes triggering, stop listening, take some deep slow breaths and come back when you’re ready.

Ready, here we go:

Before your 18th Birthday:

#1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… a) Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or b) Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

Y/N

 

#2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… a) Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or b) Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

Y/N

 

#3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… a) Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or b) Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

Y/N

 

#4. Did you often or very often feel that … a) No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or b) Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

Y/N

 

#5. Did you often or very often feel that … a) You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or b) Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it? Y/N

#6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

Y/N

 

#7. Was your parent/caregiver: a) Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped or had something thrown at him/her? or b) Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or c) Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

Y/N

 

#8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

Y/N

 

#9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

Y/N

 

#10. Did a household member go to prison?

Y/N

 

Add up your “yes” answers. If you had 4 or more it is very likely that you have had impacts from those traumas in your life. Do you struggle with mental health issues, or have difficulty in your relationships with others?  Have you had substance abuse issues, Self-harming behaviors, suicidal thoughts, or actions? Have you had issues around weight, even eating disorders? Do you have trouble holding down a job? Do you struggle to focus, concentrate, remember things? Do you have anxiety and panic attacks? When we have chronic or toxic stress as children, as we’ve been learning, that constant “fight, flight or freeze” mode is constantly on, it doesn’t shut off. Also, what each individual child SEES as something traumatic will be different, it’s very personal. So something you may have experienced as a traumatic event during childhood, may not be traumatic to another child. Being in that survival mode shuts off that front part of our brain, the “thinking” part. Those of us with a high ACES score can struggle with so many different things in our lives. Those “survival” pathways that our brains have built are automatic and we can often react to things in a certain way without even thinking about it! For me, being faced with change or uncertainty in any type of situation but particularly regarding housing stability, job stability, and finances throws me completely for a loop! Of course people without trauma worry about those things too, but they have things we don’t. They have the confidence and ability to assess the situation, create a plan of action, and follow through in order to solve the issues. Somewhere along the line they had a healthy role model to teach them how to deal with things as they came up. For many of us with trauma, we didn’t have anyone to teach us or help us to process things. Often for those of us that are survivors, uncertainty is a huge RED FLAG, or stressor. We NEED to know we have safety and security to be able to get through life, because we didn’t have that as children. So, we’re always looking to the “next” thing, the next situation that might happen to de-rail us. We expect the worst out of ourselves, and our lives. We’ve been hurt, burned, and disappointed so much in the past, why should we expect something good or positive? Many people in our lives have hurt us, let us down, disappointed us so we don’t trust others. No matter what we do, or what others tell us, we just can’t shake that feeling of impending doom that’s lurking around the next corner. So, we hide, avoid, procrastinate, and feel completely overwhelmed. We freeze up, feel helpless, like we aren’t “in the driver’s seat” in our own lives. We have no motivation, that fear “brain” keeps us stuck. We may “disassociate” or feel disconnected from ourselves and the world around us. We may even get to the point where we can’t get out of bed. We have that feeling like we’re drowning, with nothing to grab onto, or no one to throw us a rope to pull us out of the water. Because we don’t take any action, whatever that situation is that we’re afraid to face, eventually rears it’s ugly head and we can’t avoid it anymore. If we didn’t pay that bill, we might be hounded by collectors. If we’ve lost our job and are frozen, we might run out of money. If we have to move and avoid looking for a new place, we may be facing eviction. If we’ve been sick and avoided going to the doctor, our condition might get worse. I so very much relate to all of these things, I’ve been there stuck with that awful overwhelm, just trying to get through my day minute by minute, and that’s okay. As I keep saying, the good news is that with all of the things we’ve been learning together, we can rewire our brains to correct some of that damage that happened to us when we experienced our traumas.  So let’s see if we can sort out some of that overwhelming stuff!

The first step is literally looking at the first step, not the whole staircase! It’s so hard to do, I constantly have dozens of different scenarios, ways different situations could go, in my head all the time. I literally have to see a red STOP sign in my mind to get off the “crazy train” and stop the hot mess of thoughts rolling around in my head! I explain my chaotic thought like dozens of butterflies flitting around inside my head! We have to pick a starting point in order to try and reorient ourselves, to get back in touch with our brains and bodies and try and calm that overwhelming feeling so we can take some action and get us a little forward movement.

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference. As we’ve just been talking about being overwhelmed, here are some things you can try that might help.

1.       First, practice the “pause.”  Stop (visualize that STOP sign if that’s helpful for you), take a step back. Start with our mindful belly breathing, breathe slowly in through your nose to a count of 5, your belly should naturally push out as you inhale. Hold your breath for a count of one. Slowly breathe out through your mouth, your belly should naturally move in when you exhale, for a count of 5. Do this five times.

2.       If you can take a break from your physical space, do it. Walk out of your room, office, or cubby. Get outside and go for a short walk if you’re able to.

3.       When you’re ready, find a comfortable, quiet spot, free from distractions.  Get a pen or pencil, and a piece of paper or a notebook. Do a “brain dump.” Comedian George Carlin wrote a book called “Brain Droppings” and this is the way I like to think of it! Literally, write down everything that you are thinking of, no matter how silly the thought might feel. Situations, events, people, feelings, emotions, places, it could be anything. Even if you only write down a few things, that’s a positive first step! Remember, no one else has to see this, it doesn’t have to be pretty, or organized. If you’d like to set a specific amount of time for this, that’s fine but you don’t have to.

4.       At this point, if you need to take break, do so then come back when you’re ready.

5.       The next step, is to look at your page of words and thoughts, and really examine what you have control over, and what you don’t. The easiest way to drill this down is that you only have control over yourself, your actions, how you respond to others, what you do and say. You have control over YOU only. You cannot control others (No matter how much we want to, that’s a trauma thing, wanting to control everything and everyone is safety to us!). So start crossing those things off of your page that you can’t control. When your finished with that step, you might have a lot of things you’ve crossed off!

6.       The next step is to separate the words left on your page into 2 categories “facts and feelings.” Facts are things that you know without a doubt to be true. Feelings are your thoughts and emotions around those facts. Feelings are not facts! Our brains lie to us all of the time telling us we’re not good “enough” not capable, everything is hopeless. These things are not true! We are all of those things and more, and there is always hope! You may notice once you do this, your facts list is shorter than your feelings list!

7.       The next step is to put your facts in order of importance. Which of those things is “screaming the loudest” for your attention? What is the first “must do” on that list? Once you’ve identified that big one, what comes next? Then next, on down until the last thing you write is the least important.

8.       Bring your focus on that first most important fact, the one that needs your attention right away. What is one small step you could take in order to begin the process that is necessary in order to solve that problem? Is it a phone call, a text, an email? Is it a chore you need to tackle, or a relationship that needs some work? Name one small thing you could do right now to help move you forward towards that goal. Take that small step, then the next one. Do this with all of your factual items, one step at a time, one fact or issue at a time. Think of untangling a knot, pulling one thread at a time. Each pull in the right direction begins to loosen the knot, making it easier to untangle. You’re untangling the knots in your mind, by taking any action, no matter how small.

9.       Look at some of your less important facts. Are there any that could be handed off to another person to do to get them off your plate? Could you have said no to any of them? I realize that no is a very hard thing for we trauma survivors to say! We feel if we say no, or don’t do that “thing” that others want us to do, those people will leave us for good. Saying no feels like a catastrophe! No is a complete sentence, and is a very important boundary to learn and say! It’s healthy for us to say no at times, and very necessary! Guess what? You can also say no and not explain WHY you are saying it! You don’t owe anyone an explanation! How awesome is THAT??

10.   When you want to, you can look at your list of feelings that you have. What feelings are the most important to you? In taking some small steps towards dealing with your facts, will that help ease any of those feelings, maybe get rid of them entirely?

You can do this exercise as often as you want if you feel it’s helpful for you. If you don’t like writing, you could type it in a word document, you can even find different “brain dump” templates online. This is to help give you some sense of action, like you have some control over your life, even though it feels like you don’t. Every tiny step forward is still progress and be proud of yourself for whatever it is you do!

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’m also going to begin demonstrating all of the skills, and techniques, and adding related content on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my websites invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and enddvnow.com

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast and listening apps!

Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!