Is it Me or is it Them? with April Boyd

Hello and welcome back!

In today's episode I'm sharing a recent experience I had with someone who was trying to manipulate in some pretty blatant and creative ways- so that you can better spot and identify when someone is trying to manipulate and control you.

I'm sharing the story of what happened - and the strategies they were using to deceive, manipulate and exploit me for their personal gain.

I hope this episode helps you to spot these tactics if and when you encounter them in your world!

Podcast Disclaimer

Is It Me or Is It Them? is intended for educational and informational purposes only. While I’m a registered social worker and psychotherapist, this podcast is not therapy and listening does not create a therapist-client relationship.

The ideas and perspectives shared here are general in nature and may not be appropriate for every person or situation. Please use your own judgment and seek support from a qualified professional when needed.

Any examples or stories shared are intended to illustrate common experiences and have been changed, combined, or generalized to protect privacy. Nothing shared on this podcast should be understood as describing a specific client or therapeutic relationship.

The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect my views or professional recommendations.

By listening, you understand that you are responsible for how you choose to apply the information shared.

What if the question isn’t “What’s wrong with me?” — but “What if I’ve outgrown the room I’m in?”

In this episode, April explores a quiet question many self-reflective people carry: What if I’m the problem?

You’ll hear about:

• Why depth and honesty are often mislabeled as “too much”
• How growth can feel isolating, even when you’re loved
• Why editing yourself isn’t the same as being adaptable
• What it can mean to crave deeper, more honest conversations

This conversation isn’t about leaving your relationships or replacing the people in your life.

It’s about understanding what happens when you change—and your inner world has more nuance than your current circle can easily hold.

If this episode resonates, Bold as Love is a small, thoughtful group for women who want a place to speak freely, reflect honestly, and connect without shape-shifting.

Doors are closing soon.

Thanks for listening.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

Is there someone in your life who doesn’t take no for an answer? No matter how thoughtful, flexible, or accommodating you try to be, you still end up feeling pushed, dominated, or worn down.

In this episode, we explore what’s actually happening when someone wants control, not connection. If your boundaries consistently create escalation instead of respect, this conversation will help you name the pattern and stop blaming yourself.

You’ll learn how control often disguises itself as care, why your autonomy can feel threatening to certain people, and how power dynamics quietly replace reciprocity in these relationships.

In this episode, we cover:

• The difference between connection and dominance
• Why “trying harder” doesn’t fix control-based dynamics
• Subtle control patterns like decision hijacking, schedule overrides, guilt, and public pressure
• Why boundary violations aren’t misunderstandings
• The relief that comes from correctly naming the problem
• How to take care of yourself without waiting for others to change

If this episode resonates and you want support navigating difficult or draining relationships — while staying grounded in your self-respect — I share more about the Bold as Love Collective, an intimate coaching space for women who are done proving their worth.

Links & Resources:

→ Learn more about the Bold as Love Collective

→ Questions? Email me anytime [email protected]

Thanks for listening. I’ll see you next time.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

As the holidays wind down, many women are realizing that despite having the conversations, choosing their words carefully, and doing their inner work, nothing has really changed in their relationships.

In this episode, April explores why talking things through sometimes backfires — and why trying harder to more clear can actually keep you stuck.

The missing piece isn’t better communication.

It’s understanding the competitive vs. collaborative disconnect — and learning how to interrupt gridlock before real connection is possible.

• Why insight and self-awareness alone don’t create relational change
• How well-intended conversations can turn into new fights
• Why rehearsing conversations in your head rarely leads to breakthroughs
• The idea of “relational software” — unconscious templates that drive conflict
• The difference between a competitive mindset (me vs. you) and a collaborative mindset (us vs. the problem)
• Why collaborative people often over-function, explain, or justify — and why that backfires
• How competitive templates interpret explanation as dominance
• Why naming the dynamic matters more than arguing the content
• What it really takes to “open the door” so understanding is possible

• You don’t need to be more patient, calmer, or clearer
• Change doesn’t come from one more perfectly worded conversation
• When one person is in competition and the other is seeking collaboration, conversations will stall
• You cannot explain someone out of a competitive stance
• Real change starts when you stop engaging in win/lose dynamics
• The work is not fixing yourself — it’s learning how to change the relational pattern

• When conflict comes up, do I tend to explain, justify, or prove my point?
• What happens in my body when I feel dismissed or misunderstood?
• Do my conversations feel like a battle — even when that’s not my intention?
• What would change if my first goal was opening the door, not being understood?

This episode reflects the deeper work we practice inside The Bold as Love Collective — a small, intimate group for women who want to stop repeating the same relational patterns and learn how to navigate conflict, connection, and self-respect differently.

The group begins in January.

Details and the link to join.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

Most women are taught there are only two ways to move through conflict and relationships:

• Be nice → swallow your feelings, smooth things over, keep the peace at your own expense
• Be strong → armor up, go sharp, cut people off, or handle everything yourself
• 
  

Neither one feels good. Neither feels like you.

In this episode of Is It Me or Is It Them?, I share the lightning-bolt insight that helped me name the heart of what so much of my work is really about: a third way for women, a middle ground where you don’t have to choose between being a doormat or a battle axe, where you can hold soft power: clear, kind, and steady.

You’ll hear how over-tolerating and over-hitting both come from the same place (fear), what it means to live from simply zeroing in on what's actually true, and how the Bold as Love Collective helps women practice this “soft AND strong” way of being in real life.

• The two default “templates” many women are handed:
• be nice (self-abandonment) or be strong (hard, defended, distant)
• Why both options come from the same place: fear of conflict, rejection, and being “too much” or “not enough”
• How swinging between silence and explosion keeps you out of alignment with what you actually want
• Why we need to get honest with ourselves faster and act and speak from here (What is really happening here? What is actually true for me? What do I want to see happen here?)
• The idea of soft power:
• soft without being a doormat
• strong without being a battle axe
• clear without being cruel
• honest without burning everything down
• How to set “rules of engagement” for yourself (your own internal policies for how you do relationship)
• Why “win–win relationships” can become a powerful compass when you’re deciding how to respond
• The difference between tidying your side of the street vs. trying to control how other people react
• How practicing this third way changes not just big conflicts, but the tiny everyday interactions with partners, family, coworkers, and strangers
• 
  

• Feeling powerful because you snapped or withdrew is not the same as feeling grounded, confident and steady in your truth.
• Numbing out and blowing up are both protection strategies, not self-respect.
• Soft power sounds like: “I’m neither collapsing nor exploding. I’m steady. I’ll have my own back, no matter what.”
• You can be honest and boundaried and still be loving, considerate, and kind.
• The real shift happens when your words and actions line up with who you actually want to be — even in the messy moments.
• 
  

If you’re tired of choosing between being a doormat or being “the difficult one,” you’ll love Bold as Love Collective— A 3-month coaching circle for women who want:

• clearer, cleaner boundaries (without guilt or explosion)
• fewer spirals before (and after) hard conversations
• a steadier, more self-assured presence in their relationships
• softness without disappearing; strength without the hard shell
• 
  

It’s part self-paced course, part live virtual circle, and fully focused on practicing this third way in the real world, with ourselves, the people we love and the ones who push our buttons.

👉 Learn more / join the next round: here.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

We’re taught to toughen up, care less, harden ourselves. But you probably already know that none of that actually works. It doesn't make us safer or more confident, it just sends us into a tug of war with ourselves. In this episode, April unpacks the powerful middle ground — where softness and self-respect can live together — and shares a story that reframes what real strength can look like.

• Why “toughening up” disconnects you from your instincts
• The trap of believing softness equals weakness
• How we confuse fear-based posturing with strength
• The difference between the performance of confidence and genuine grounded power
• What it looks like to be clear without being cruel
• How to listen to your body’s cues instead of overriding them
• The third option between collapsing and attacking
• Why real safety lives in self-trust, not force.

• Softness isn’t vulnerability to harm — it’s your internal compass.
• If you have to try to force someone to respect you and treat you well- you're dealing with a completely different problem.
• Power isn’t making others bend to your will; it’s knowing you can have your own back in any room you walk into.
• Discernment comes from staying connected to yourself and listening to your emotions, not armouring up and shutting down.
• 
  

• Join the Bold as Love Collective Experience (starting January)
• Learn more about the program
• Connect with April on Instagram / Email

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

In this episode of Is It Me or Is It Them?, I walk you through two real-life friendship situations - one that led to a soft, productive conversation, and another that crashed and burned - to help you understand how to make this decision with more clarity and self-assurance.

This episode is especially for you if you tend to overthink conversations, carry resentment quietly, or struggle with knowing when to address something versus adapting your expectations.

• When the hurt or frustration “lingers” and why that’s an important signal
• Why waiting before responding (instead of reacting) can change everything
• What it actually means to “clear the air” — and what you’re really asking for when you do
• A real example of speaking up that led to reassurance, repair, and deeper understanding
• A second example where speaking up led to defensiveness, shutdown, and another problem to be solved.
• How to tell if you’re truly letting something go — or just going quiet and resentful
• Why not every relationship needs the same standards
• How boundaries are often about what you will do differently moving forward
• Letting go of personalization when someone’s behaviour is about their own patterns
• Deciding who still gets a seat at your table — and on what terms
• 
  

If this episode resonates, you’ll love the work we’re doing inside The Bold as Love Collective— a small, intimate coaching collective for women who want to:

• stop overfunctioning and overgiving
• navigate hard conversations with steadiness and clarity
• set boundaries without guilt or explosion
• feel more self-trust, confidence, and integrity in their relationships
• 
  

👉 Learn more here.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

Are your expectations a little unrealistic? If you’ve been feeling that pressure to be endlessly composed, endlessly capable, endlessly “fine” — this episode is for you.

We’re talking about the real reason perfectionism shows up (hint: it’s not a personality trait). It’s an old survival strategy your nervous system learned a long time ago… one that might be quietly running your life today.

Inside this episode you’ll hear:

• why your self-criticism spikes when you make a mistake
• how old patterns of people-pleasing and “getting it right” still shape your reactions
• the one question that shows you whether a standard is actually yours — or conditioning
• how perfectionism disconnects you from yourself and your relationships
• what to do in the exact moment you feel the trap door of shame start to open

I also share a real-life story about a mistake I made last week — and how easy it is to fall back into old patterns unless we consciously choose something different.

Perfectionism isn’t about being better.

It’s about feeling safer.

And once you understand that, everything softens.

If this conversation hits close to home…

You’ll love the work we’re doing inside The Bold as Love Collective, my intimate coaching circle for women who want to stop overthinking, stop over-functioning, and start showing up with truth, steadiness, and self-respect — in every relationship they care about.

We start in January, and early registration is now open.

Join us here → [link]

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

Have you been feeling the urge to reach out to that old friend you took distance from? As we move into the holidays it can be tempting to re-connect— send a quick message, extend an invite, or reopen the door with someone we’ve drifted from. But how do you know whether it’s a relationship worth revisiting… or one that’s better left gently in the past?

In this episode, we help you decide whether to re-engage with an old friend, or keep your distance. You’ll hear some important questions you need to ask yourself, real examples, and a grounded look at the difference between healthy discomfort and unhealthy self-abandonment.

• How duty and obligation can both connect and confine us
• How to tell when a relationship brings more stress than support
• Why we need to think of our time and energy as "investments"
• How the people around you shape who you become
• Some key questions, like: Has anything actually changed?
• Getting honest about your standards and what you are willing to put up with

1. What’s driving the urge to reconnect — guilt, habit, or expectation?
2. Do you have the capacity to carry someone who brings weight instead of warmth?
3. What kind of relationships do you believe in surrounding yourself with?

You can love someone, care about them, and hold fond memories — and still choose distance. Protecting your peace can be an act of honesty, not rejection.

I'm reopening The Bold as Love Collective — a three-month coaching circle for women who have a tendency towards overthinking, over-functioning, and over-giving, and want to feel calmer, clearer, and more grounded in their relationships and conversations.

If you want to feel more seen without performing and more heard without raising your voice, check out all the info here and DM with questions.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.

If you’re wrestling with the choice to go to the family event or finally opt out of the chaos, this episode is for you.

Today we explore how to decide whether you should go, skip it, or do things differently this year.

You’ll hear questions, reflections, and practical guidance to help you get honest about what you’re walking into, what it will cost you emotionally, and what you actually want or need.

What usually happens when you show up?

Why do the same dynamics keep repeating?

And why does it take days to recover afterward?

Who are you showing up for really?

What are the unrealistic hopes that keep you stuck in the same toxic loops?

How to get honest about what usually happens, without minimizing or sugarcoating it.

Why certain people hit your deepest buttons

How old wounds get activated

And how that plays into the dread and emotional overwhelm you feel

Setting clear intentions for yourself

Showing up in a more detached, grounded way

Not engaging with the people who drain you

Choosing arrival and exit strategies that support you

Honouring your own bottom line

It’s not only:

pretend everything’s fine and keep performing…or

cut everyone off and keep your distance.

There’s also the thoughtful middle path: deciding how to engage on your own terms.

• see the situation more clearly
• get honest about what’s actually happening and what you need to be okay
• understand your emotional reactions
• protect your peace
• choose a path that honours your wellbeing and your desire for connection
• 
  

If you want my help sorting out your specific situation—whether to stay, go, or set a plan for navigating it differently—you can reach out any time.

📧 Email: [email protected]

📷 Instagram: @with.love.april

If this episode resonates, please share it with someone who might need it this holiday season.

Want to get better at speaking up? Sign up for the free on-demand workshop that will help you be more confident in standing your ground when you're dealing with a boundary bulldozer. Sign up here.

Get on the Newsletter List here.

Have a topic or question you'd love to hear about?

Message me and let me know.

email [email protected]

Instagram @with.love.april

https://www.instagram.com/with.love.april/

Please note:

This show is not a replacement for therapy, assessment, treatment or diagnosis. This show is intended for educational and entertainment purposes only. See your physician, counsellor or local crisis support centre if needed

All identifying details about the people and the stories shared here are removed to protect confidentiality.