Three days ago, I woke up severely ill.

Nasty stomach flu. Vomited three times in the morning. Barely able to move all day. Bedridden, the hours crawled on through strong pulsing fever, sweats, and intense waves of bodily pain.

It sucked. One of the hardest days of my life. I needed it.

A deep humbling purge. Cut through spiritual bypassing and self-deception. Popped subtle bubbles. Melted my defenses to contact the blood-warm underbelly.

At some point during the fever-dream I recorded a raw tearful diary asking, “Is spirituality b******t?” Find that video at the top of this post.

I’m still in the after-quake of the initiation. Integration will be ongoing.

But as it was happening, I whispered ‘thank you’ for it. Even though I wanted it to end, to be done with it, to be anywhere else… there was also a deeper knowing that it was right. That I needed it. There was intermittent appreciation of the dark gritty aliveness.

And as it burned through me, I observed. Felt it in my organs. Listened with my bones. Began mining for the jewels in the mud. And…

F**k, there were gems in that swamp.

Humanizing, heart-cracking gems.

I was viscerally reunited with my embodied humanity on cellular levels.

It feels f*****g good to be a cuddly earth-creature.

The Iowa boy Mom and Dad named Jordan.

I pray to listen to this man-cub. His loins have more to speak.

bearhugs,j

related:

men, if you’re called deeper, consider the brotherhood.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jordanbates.substack.com/subscribe