“You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you.”

—Marcus Aurelius

You’re convinced you’re right, but for some reason the other side just doesn’t get it. You’ve explained your position over and over again, but you’re still not getting anywhere.

You know the feeling. The mobile phone provider is insisting on charging you that international fee you switched off three months ago, again a month ago, and a third time last week. Your ten-year-old still doesn’t get why playing video games for 8 hours on a beautiful spring Saturday is a bad thing. The attorney on the other side of your mediation is looking at the same medical report you are, but for some reason what to you looks like a slam-dunk before the judge to her is a reason to investigate your client for fraud.

Either they aren’t listening, they don’t understand what you’re saying, or maybe they don’t even care about your point of view. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking, you feel like you’re wasting time talking to your counterpart, and pressure to reach a constructive resolution seems to be intensifying by the minute.

It’s incredibly frustrating, right? If you’re like most people, these scenarios probably make you, at minimum, anxious, frustrated, or both. Do negotiation logjams make your blood boil, cause you to shake your head and sneer, or quicken your pulse and breathing?

Depending on the source of the disconnect and many other variables, if involved in such a situation while mediating or negotiating you’ll likely be bombarded by emotional responses. Even if the subject matter of the underlying disagreement is of a cold, mechanical and objective nature – like a business matter to which you have no personal attachment – it’s natural that the disagreement itself will evoke an emotional response. And that’s okay. You’re human, after all.

But what’s not okay is giving in to that emotional response and letting your amygdala overpower your brain’s rational response. Recognize that emotions are involved in and guide decision-making, but endeavor not to let them divert you from making reasoned decisions. Science teaches us that though we humans are rational creatures, our primitive, “reptilian brain” sometimes leads us astray, particularly in the heat of the moment, and causes us to react in ways that can override our cool-headed, logical brains. Although our amygdala-centered, emotion-based limbic system has helped maintain the survival of the human species for millions of years – no small feat! – it’s not going to keep you calm and collected during a heated negotiation.

I’ve rarely, if ever, seen a hot, emotional exchange between disputing parties lead directly to rational discourse and decision-making during a negotiation. It doesn’t work with your kids or your spouse, it doesn’t score you any “wins” when commenting on provocative social media posts, and it certainly doesn’t result in compromise from your negotiating counterpart. Again, recognizing the emotions involved is important, but it’s critical that effective negotiators then go further and identify a logical process for communicating with the other side and working toward productive resolutions to disputes. There are various ways we can do this, and frequently it takes a skilled third party, like a mediator, to intervene and help the parties manage their emotional and rational responses. 

So acknowledge the emotions at play – both in your counterpart and in you – and then process them and take rational action to further resolution between the parties. When your emotions overtake you, in personal or professional disputes, your chances of reaching a satisfactory agreement on any matter plummet. This approach is very difficult to master, and you alone might not be able to control your emotions all the time, but these skills can be improved with practice and hard work.

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