You’ve heard me struggle for the past few months because I’ve had a relapse into my overeating habit. I finally wised up and called in my friend Tania Elfersy to coach me. In this episode, Tania shares so much wisdom and teaches me many things including that awareness of what is truth and what isn’t is so important and that once we’re aware our divine design will take things from there.

Tania Elfersy has a passion for revealing rarely discussed truths about women’s life-cycle events.

She is a transformative coach, speaker, writer and educator. Since 2015, Tania has been supporting women through perimenopause and menopause, allowing them to reach natural symptom relief, and a greater sense of well-being.

You can find Tania Elfersy at TheWiserWoman.com and on Facebook @TheWiserWoman.

You can listen above, on your favorite podcast app, or watch on YouTube. Notes, links, resources and a full transcript are below.

Show Notes

Alexandra: Thank you for being with me here today. I really appreciate it. And here’s the funny thing. I had a couple of insights in the last couple of days that have felt like they’ve been quite helpful.

I was listening to some Sydney Banks stuff while I was cooking the other night. And I guess it doesn’t really matter what was said, but he said,

“You are a divine being walking through this life trying to find yourself.”

I really resonated with that. It really encapsulated everything we do, and just shifted something for me. But let’s talk about the stuff that’s tricky. Because that’s where the juice is.

Tania: That’s why I often feel stuck. Because I’m such a human. I don’t fly on my little enlightenment cushion. And sometimes, it just occurs to me that the feeling is telling me what’s true. So I fall back into the feeling. And ponder on that.

I’ve checked this out now for about six, seven years. Because it’s not enough that I’ll tell you, the feeling is pointing to what’s true. And in that sense, as I’m sure you know, that is the feeling of clarity. And everything else is not true. So, again, I could tell you this, but until you’ve really experienced it. I’m still surprised when I get that. And I’ll give you an example, really, it’s not, I guess it’s not like a stuck example, but it’s an example of that.

I was trying to go to sleep, I’d almost fallen asleep or I just about falling asleep. And all of a sudden there was a huge bang. I mean, boom. And so I’m going through my mind and I’m like, okay, it doesn’t sound like it with a missile. Unfortunately, I know what that sounds like. It doesn’t sound like there’s a bomb. I know that. But there was definitely something.

I was just lying there. I wasn’t moving. And I suspected my husband might have heard it, but I thought maybe it was asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up. And so I was going through what maybe it’s a new kind of bomb that I haven’t heard before. And it’s a new kind of weapon and a new kind of thing. And then I was like listening for would there be sirens. Because we’re still in the war. There will be sirens and I’m not hearing any sirens or maybe it was further away but it was still quiet out there. Hang on.

I got up and I checked the news and there was nothing in the news. Maybe they’re hiding it from us. Maybe it’s so bad they’re hiding. Right? So this is all going through my mind. And it is 2am. So it’s like, by the time I got up, it was 2am. I think it was like kind of falling asleep that one time. So that whole time, I was just like, lying there, having all these emotions. And then I came back to bed and I woke up my husband. “Did you hear that?” And he’s like, “It’s thunder.”

I don’t know why I didn’t catch it as thunder, but I didn’t. So then I had this whole hour. And of course, if I had tuned in before, I would know. Because it’s always true. It’s always true, even if the truth we can say, is something that we would classify as uncomfortable.

It’s so profound. Right? And like I said, you have to test it to believe it. Because we’re always going to say, Well, surely this this one, this one is, you know, this one is not, it’s not going to be this one isn’t. But it is and, and even if, like I said, even if there’s a situation where we think, Well, this, this is terrible, like in any sense, like, it’s not even that it’s the story we attach to the situation that’s making us feel uncomfortable.

Alexandra: Okay, so applying that to myself, when I felt like I was having a relapse, that’s what I’m calling it, but holding that term lightly, in October, which is sort of when it started. I get the feeling of the drive to over eat. And what you’re saying, putting that in personal terms, is that the truth isn’t there in that feeling. It’s in clarity.

Tania: I’m sure there are a number of thoughts that are coming through at that time for you. Like what happens?

Alexandra: I feel disappointed right away. I hope it’s very temporary, a day or two, which this time it wasn’t. And then I kind of went into a passive mode of just waiting for insight about it. And that eventually led to frustration. So that was my process. Does that help?

Tania: Can we go back a little bit more. What happens you’re talking about, how you feel yourself. So what happens in that? You just said, I have the feeling to overeat? I can’t remember the words used or something. But what what’s that?

Alexandra: The drive to overeat is what I call it. It’s this specific feeling. How can I describe it? It’s a feeling of being gripped by a drive, like I said, to eat in a way that I don’t want to eat, to engage in a behavior that I don’t want to do. And it feels so compelling that if I tried to just use willpower to not do it, which I have done in the past, it’s futile. It’s like holding a beach ball under the water. It’s just you’re fighting against Mother Nature, and it’s just going to pop up eventually.

Alexandra: I don’t think so. Can you give me an example?

Tania: What’s the thought there?

Alexandra: It doesn’t really come as a thought initially. It’s a feeling – that’s why I call it a drive. It feels kind of desperate, and compulsive. But until that moment, I had been doing just fine. So it doesn’t feel like it’s triggered by thinking.

With your example with the bombs, of course, or the thunder, that noise was the trigger that created a lot of thinking, is what you’re saying. And in this case, there isn’t really something like that. A trigger like that.

Tania: But then it’s like, I want a piece of cake, or I want the whole cake.

Alexandra: In this case, I want rice with my dinner, and which I’ve been trying to avoid, and wine. And, there’s a bit of, one glass of wine isn’t enough. It has to be more than that. Two or three.

Alexandra: And then I have it, and so there’s food on my plate, and it’s too much food. I can see that it’s more food than I actually need. But I feel that feeling of desperation. And I eat it, and I feel some sense of pleasure while I’m doing that, and then afterwards, I feel sort of disgusted with myself disappointed. Unhappy.

Tania: So I don’t even know if this is the right place to live. But it feels like it might be like to go back, like so you make yourself the rice. And you know that you don’t want to be eating rice. So what happens back then, that you say, I’m going to make myself rice because

Tania: Hmm. Okay. And the feeling that away then. There’s something back there. That seems to me that’s the start. And it’s kind of a snowball, right of everything else that we can just try and excuse or say okay, or whatever, but there seems to be like something at the beginning. That’s rising up. And saying, if you’re calling it desperation with desperation for what,

Alexandra: I know it’s funny now. I just react to the feeling I don’t really examine it.

In a way I could say it’s desperation to just make the feeling itself go away. I feel the feeling and then I feel compelled to make it go away. And I know the thing that will make it go away, which is a large meal. And then what else what else?

Alexandra: Practice. I mean, it works. You know, it does work.

Tania: There’s something behind the desperate like, a tiger I’m desperate to eat. I’m hungry, or I’m desperate to eat because I’m sad, lonely. What was that?

Alexandra: That’s really interesting. Consciously no, there’s not that feeling there. And I know what you’re pointing to. That has been the case in the past, where before I knew about the principles, I would have a bad day or have a feel angry or upset and I would eat the thing in order to soothe myself from that experience. Now I know that my moods go up and down and I’m not trying to solve a feeling or a mood are a thought at all. It’s habitual, it happens at the same time every day.

For the rest of the day, I eat just fine. And I’m happy with the way I eat. And then it just happens that right now, at this time at supper time, I feel this drive to eat compulsively.

Tania: Because again, I wonder what’s there? Right under what’s there? Because there must be something that’s there. And there’s no judgment about what’s there. Just I wonder what’s there? I wonder why I’m then having to create this decision.

I wonder why I decided that was something terrible with the thunder, see what I mean. And so I can say, well, because I was feeling a bit sensitive about the war stuff and stuff like that. But I wonder what’s there? And it’s like, there’s no, I guess, there’s no answer. But like, I would wonder, what’s there?

Because it seems like there’s some something going on there that then says, I must eat. And then there must be something afterwards, because there’s some feeling that you’re getting, and I know, talking to other women who have challenges with eating that’s a wide range. And they will say I had these cookies today. And I thought, well, I have cookies, too. But I saw them thinking about it. So was it possible that you could have the rice and then do like, Okay, I just had the rice. Full stop.

Alexandra: Theoretically, I think what I noticed is that I’m responding mindlessly to that to that feeling of…it’s really good to talk about this, because it’s making me break it down into smaller pieces.

I feel that feeling. And I know from experience that willpower doesn’t work. So fighting against it won’t accomplish anything. So I don’t do that. So I kind of take that off the out of the equation.

Do I have a lot of thinking about it afterwards? Yes, definitely. Because it feels like a problem, for sure. And there’s definitely a lot of thinking about it while it’s happening and afterwards.

The way that I’ve seen it over these years of exploring this is that the feeling of the drive to overeat is letting me know that there’s more to see about my state of mind. The feeling is always letting me know where my thinking is. But in this case, my thinking isn’t somewhere specific. It’s not that I’ve been thinking about having a bad day, and I’m trying to solve that problem.

So the best way I can find to say it is the feeling is letting me know that there’s more to see about my true nature. That’s why that quote from Sydney Banks at the beginning touched me so deeply. That there’s something in between me and my understanding of my divinity. So that’s as that’s as the best way I can describe it.

Tania: Might it be simpler than I think? Perhaps you’re describing it because you’re saying the feeling allows me to see that there’s something more to see.

That’s it. It’s okay to hire another brain, but it’s just not your truth. Yeah. And then, we don’t have to, of course, go in and analyze. What’s the thought? What’s taking me off this path of truth? We can just know I’ve fallen off the path of truth. Now, what do I want to do?

No judgment, I can fall off the path of truth. A similar example that comes to mind: sometimes if I shout at my kids, and then I realize all kind of half sentence there really is a better way to do this. So I explain to them what you want, but I might keep on showing them just because I’m on a roll. And then I may apologize if you know, it’s gone too far.

Or I’ll come to them. I was like, Okay, well, what I really wanted to tell you was this. Sorry, I shouted. But it’s okay. That I shouted. So it’s okay to say or, or not, this isn’t true for me. But here I am off the path of truth.

Alexandra: I like that. It’s so simple. As you say, it’s so simple. I’ve fallen off the path of truth. Hmm. That’s really profound. I love that.

Tania: No because as soon as you see that, that’s awareness rising up. You don’t need to control it. I don’t need to Okay, come up faster. You know, come on faster. So I’ll stop shouting and it’s rising, okay.

Which means that naturally, I’ll start maybe taking a dip between challenging my kids or something, because there’s a slowing down. That happens naturally. I don’t need to manage that because the awareness is the only thing we ever need. I’ve fallen on off the path of truth. Where’s the truth in this moment? No idea.

Tania: No, because since I’ve fallen off the path of truth, I’ll be in a great state of mind. So whatever is true isn’t necessarily going to come to me in that moment. But just the awareness, start slowing things down. So it seems that in this thing that must happen before desperation that we don’t know what it is yet, right?

There could be a time when there’s just an awareness that comes the foreground, and you say, Oh, I know this isn’t the path of truth. No judgement. Right? I could also go down the path of I’m such a bad mom. What the kids are going to think? I’m traumatizing my kids. I’m not setting a good example. That’s very unhelpful. So I wouldn’t do that. But I can totally be in the awareness if I fall off the path of truth and still doubting it. And it’s okay. Because I’m human. I’m not machine.

Tania: At some point, yeah. That is a good point. And you have the center.

Alexandra: And then also, there’s something in there about knowing that what’s happening isn’t the truth. Maybe we’ve already said that. But I see it a new way. Just now. That’s the awareness. I guess. That yeah, that whatever’s happening. isn’t real in a way. Isn’t the truth.

Tania: Yeah, right.

Alexandra: Yeah, that is so simple. I love that.

Tania: And it can keep on because we can see at any moment, right from that moment that you feel like there’s some desperation, okay, I’ve fallen off the path of truth. And maybe you’ll see it a bit. And then you’ll see a bit more, and then you’ll see a bit more. And then it doesn’t matter when you when it really lands because it will land.

And maybe it’s when you’ve cooked the rice, but you haven’t eaten, maybe it’s after you’ve eaten the rice, but it will land and then there’ll be a gentler experience of it all. And then maybe you’ll eat the rice. And maybe you’ll have a glass of wine. And it’s just like, and then you’ll see it completely.

So there’s no judgment. But it’s there. We say don’t practice but it’s almost like the practice helps it. Because once you’ve seen it so many times, you know that’s all I need. All I need is that first glimpse of awareness. That’s all I need to see. And then I don’t need to worry about it anymore.

Because right then I’ve moved into remembering what’s true, which is not this, and I know it’s not this because then I know it’s a feeling. But like I said, you can hang out doesn’t matter.

Alexandra: And so you just repeated again: at the beginning you said the feeling is telling me what’s true. And so that drive to overeat it’s the same thing but reversed. The feeling is telling me what’s not true. It’s a yucky feeling. You feel gripped by this habit. And it’s yucky. And so that’s telling me it’s not true. This is not the path of truth.

Tania: This is the reason why I think I need to eat this. That’s making me feel yucky is not true.

Alexandra: Okay, I’m writing this down.

Tania: I guess it doesn’t matter but it’s worth remembering. We really don’t need to then but where’s the truth then? What is the truth? It’s about the one no we don’t need that tool that comes by itself that just rises to the surface. And that will appear in perfect time for us to see it.

Because, of course, if you’re in an insecure thinking state, and, and truth comes to mind, you’re not going to hear it anyway. So don’t worry about that. But once you see the awareness, open up, that’s the bit, then you’re in a better position to hear something that’s true, which may be like, Oh, maybe I’m not desperate. Maybe I don’t need that.

Tania: You may, through the opening of awareness, there’ll be a shift. Then you can say, well, maybe I’m not desperate. Maybe I don’t need to eat that. But that will come in gentler. But you don’t have to bring it in.

Like what I said before that was like, if you’re worrying about when you’re going to hear the truth, you’re not going to hear it because you’re in an insecure thinking. You don’t need to worry about it. Because even if it’s like, hearing the truth of what’s going on right now, you’re not going to hear it. So you just do the awareness, things slow down, and then there’s opening, and then all the light can come in, and then maybe the truth will appear. And maybe it won’t even appear that maybe it will pick the next morning. And it doesn’t matter.

Alexandra: Yes, because of the awareness. I think where I tripped up these last five months is I knew I needed awareness. I knew I needed an insight to shift me out of what was happening. But somehow I went about looking for it in the wrong way.

I think what it was was, I believed that feeling – the drive to overeat – was real. I believed it was real. And I believed it needed a solution. That’s what it feels like inside me now. And instead of what you’re describing feels so much lighter, holding it in a much lighter way. And just knowing this isn’t real, this isn’t the truth. And knowing that is enough.

I can see to that. That it was just a habitual battle. I just didn’t know any better at the time not to engage. I was gripped with it. I was fighting with it, wrestling with it that whole time. Even when I was saying I’m trying to just let it go and let it be what it is. I can tell now looking back that yeah, that I was really wrestling with it.

And what you’re describing, as you, as we said, is so much simpler. Just knowing this is not the truth. And I’ll say it again. I just felt like it was something I had to fix. And so when we’re in that mindset, I’m sure that just makes it grip tighter.

Tania: Yeah, yeah. And there’s a lot of responsibility on us.

Tania: The best thing that I can do in any moment is just have the awareness. This isn’t true. Right. And that’s actually about sort of presence. I don’t know whatever would make sense to you, is it like pulling into presence? Oh, in this moment, Oh, I get that feeling not uncomfortable, calm richer. That’s it, that’s all that’s needed, right?

And then the system then just falls into place, it’s going to fall into place anyway because it could be longer after you’ve eaten the meal and the wine and the wine and it will fall into place. Or it could be quicker. And it’s just like as you spend more time in with this understanding, we fall back quicker into wellbeing into a sense of ease.

So if I can just remember, oh, what’s my awareness? Okay, that isn’t true right now. That’s it.

I don’t need to find out what’s true. I don’t need to work out whether I need to eat the rice or not eat the rice. I’m just going to do whatever comes to mind anyway. Great. So it’s not on me. And it’s not spiritual bypassing? No, it’s not it’s because the system there. I can trust that it works. Because it really works. It works for you every single time.

You’re not responsible. You can use your understanding to be an awareness to remember that that’s it. That’s all it takes. It’s that quote from Sydney Banks, right, “You’re always thought away from a different feeling.” And that dropping into presence or remembering the feeling or seeing it’s not true, whatever it is, that’s going to just one switch and the rest is taken care of.

Alexandra: Wow, yeah. Oh, that’s huge. I guess I’ve been thinking it was on me. I know that insight, and I’ve known that insight isn’t on me but I feel like I’ve been responsible for everything else. Now I see you’re saying there’s a lot less for me to do, as we say.

I loved what you said about the system will take care of everything else. You’re saying the way that we are designed will take care of everything else.

Tania: It’s so loving.

Alexandra: Nice. Wow. That’s so big. Thank you.

I just see this at a whole new level now this whole thing about how the feeling we’re having is always telling us whether we’re on the path of truth or not. And yeah, just always, always getting that feedback and then if we’re not just being aware of that is enough. This isn’t a good feeling. Therefore it’s not the truth. Ah wow that’s amazing.

Alexandra: “You are a divine being walking through this life trying to find yourself.”

I think it reads the same way. The metaphor that occurred to me about that is that it was like we look through a windscreen on a car. And you know how windscreens can be foggy sometimes. And that fog is created by our thinking, and our lack of trust and how we work and all those things. And the more we see about that, the more the fog just starts to melt away.

What’s left then is our divinity we can see it clearly. Which is what we’ve been taught talking about this morning.

Tania: Because that all in you. I call it divinity in your pocket. It’s always there with you. It can never leave. There’s this divine system, beautifully designed. And it’s always working in our favor. And that’s the divine in us. And then there’s this tiny surface of freewill that we can create all this stuff with. And then we can just let it go. And remember, and then we’re back. Right, and then divine essence.

Alexandra: So beautiful. So brilliant.

Tania: Simple, simple.

Tania: I’d said it must be perfect. Because how could it be anything else? Because you may have heard it and then and then we could have had a conversation and you wouldn’t have heard it.

Alexandra: I can see that. I can just really see how despite all that I’ve learned or had learned up until now there was still an element there of battling with this feeling. Battling with that drive to overeat, wrestling with it. And as soon as we start wrestling with something, it just grips even tighter. So it’s really clear to me now, I didn’t realize of course, that I was doing that. But that’s what I was doing.

Thank you. That was really, really incredible. Very, very helpful.

I don’t know if I shared yesterday on the call about for the Insight Timer lives we made 10 megabytes per second for the insight time alive? I was using with the spiritual team. Immediately from the spiritual team, I heard, be in touch with your ISP. And I was in touch with the ISP. But they couldn’t solve it for me, because they told me be in touch with the infrastructure provider. And then when I talked to the infrastructure provider, they’re telling us, we with a cat running around with my energy.

I’m screaming at them, the infrastructure people. And I remember as I’m screaming at them, I’m like, this isn’t the way. I don’t know why I’m doing this. But I’m screaming at them. What can I do, I was really even some foul. And I’m not very foul, but there’s some context. And, and then in the end, I got it, I couldn’t even work it out what to do, because they were like, You need to connect to the fiber. And the ISP was also like, trying to get me on to the fiber with them. And it was just like, the next one hour, I’m like, I don’t need that fiber right now. I just need the ISP to be both provide.

So the thing is that I’d heard that at the beginning. But I needed somehow goes through this whole thing. And me being aware, like sitting in their conversation, shouting, screaming at them. And being aware, this is definitely not the way. And then the ISP said their thing and I realizes, Oh, I just need you to give me the infrastructure that we’ve got right now and give me the upgrade.

Do you see I could have got caught up in that screaming? I’m so terrible. Why didn’t I just listen to that? I knew the answer was at the ISP. Why did I have to go to that whole thing? But it doesn’t matter. I don’t do that anymore. I used to though.

I used to if I was in the situation of having night sweats or whatever it was. I teach this stuff woman doing having all these symptoms again. I’d have the whole story running. And I could also just in that conversation and me screaming at these poor folks. The truth is they’ve been into my house and caused damage and whatever it is just like not really appropriate.

But it’s just, I just don’t go there. I don’t mess around in that because it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good. And maybe I just needed to have the conversation and remember how awful their service is. And then I can just feel completely fine just dropping them and going over to the ISP. And like, whatever. But at any stage that could have been a much bigger fear for stress inducing something.

And even in that shouting stuff, which could be like you trying to battle with the rice or with the wine or whatever it is. It could be that and then you can be like, Oh, but it’s just like it happens. It’s finished. And then you just calm down. Right, and so I just calm down the next morning. Oh, that’s what you need to give them a call.

Alexandra: It’s an important point, when you calm down, that’s when the solution came. It had come earlier, but that’s when you kind of figured it out.

Tania: 

Right, right. But then like, it’s the same with you. And these five months, you could say, Well, why not? Why not? What if you had to just go through it? And then you can be in the place where you see something that’s going to be transformative.

Alexandra: Definitely. And there’s no sense regretting it now because it’s over. So dwelling on it is not going to help.

Tania: The family will tell you that.

Alexandra: Yes, yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you, Tanya. This has been monumental.

Tania: I’m so happy.

Alexandra: I really, really appreciate it.

Tania: We have more than 10 minutes.

Alexandra: Yeah, but I’m fixed. You fixed me.

Tania: Okay, can I get that as a testimonial?

Featured image photo © Alexandra Amor

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