In the Wash

ITW #9: Helicopter Parenting vs Permissive Parenting: Finding Your Way Beyond the Labels


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Do you ever freeze in those parenting moments when you're not sure whether to step in or step back? When your child is struggling and you can't tell if helping means you're hovering or if not helping means you're neglecting them?

The labels are everywhere: helicopter parent, permissive parent, free-range parent, authoritative parent. We're told to find the "goldilocks zone" - involved but not too involved, protective but not overprotective. And underneath all the advice is a quieter message: if your child is struggling, it means you've gotten the balance wrong.

In this episode, we explore how these parenting style categories might actually be part of the problem. What if the question isn't "Am I doing too much or too little?" but rather "What does this specific child need from me in this specific moment?"

We examine:• Why trying to calibrate the "right amount" of involvement creates constant anxiety• How these labels turn parenting into a performance rather than a relationship• What responsive parenting actually looks like when we let go of categories• A real-world example from a parenting group struggling with when to let kids quit versus pushing them to persevere

This isn't about finding a new framework or better balance. It's about reconnecting with what you actually see in front of you - your child, in this moment, with their specific needs.

Through gentle inquiry and our NOW practice, we create space to move from fear-based decisions to values-connected presence. Because responsive parenting isn't about hitting some theoretical middle point - it's about staying attuned to your actual child.

If you're exhausted from trying to parent "correctly," this episode offers something different: permission to trust what you see, release the categories, and respond to what's actually happening.

Resources mentioned: "The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid" (The Atlantic, May 2024)

Find more at birthevolved.com or subscribe to the Wash & Wonder newsletter for continued reflection between episodes.

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In the WashBy Erin Acharya