Brazilian Ronaldo was supposed to be here… but much like our five-a-side defensive structure, he vanished without a trace. Enter Monty—a police tournament champion, a goal machine if he doesn't say so himself.

We discuss his greatest triumphs, his worst injuries, and the moral dilemma of supporting Manchester United (booo!). Plus, we ponder the true cost of grassroots football—sprained ankles, shattered egos, and the occasional trip to the hospital after scoring a screamer.

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