Just Fucking Breathe

I’m not a woo-woo person. I think we’ve all established that. And the whole “let’s sit down and set your intention” (said in a really soft low voice) never hit for me. No shade if you love it, it just always felt a little out there for me.

But I’ve been surfing lately. (A bit old to start - but - why not?) I would definitely not call myself a surfer, but I’m trying so f*****g hard. And what I’ve noticed is if I paddle out telling myself I’m not going to catch any waves, I’m definitely not going to catch any waves. At this point - reality is even when I tell myself I’m going to, it usually doesn’t happen, but I feel better about the whole thing. I’m grateful I’m out there instead of just being pissed off about it. That’s intention. You’re basically pointing your brain toward something, because what we think about is how we show up in the world.

To be real - it’s way easier for me to tell other people what to do than to actually do it myself. I do practice all the time, so I’m not a hypocrite, but it’s still easier to just talk about it. When I’m working with someone one-on-one I’m watching the whole time, asking questions, pivoting when I can see they’re getting dysregulated. Doing that for myself is harder. It just is.

If you’re like me - or even if you LOVE INTENTION SETTING - try what I do when I’m stuck and totally judging myself (or dragging something old around). Find a minute where you’re by yourself and set the intention to talk to yourself as a kid. Not your kid, you as a kid. Picture that little version of you and ask what they need to hear right now. Maybe it’s you’re safe. Maybe it’s this sucks but it’s going to get better. Maybe it’s it wasn’t your fault, you were a child, you didn’t create this. Or maybe it’s everybody makes mistakes and it’s what you do after that matters.

A lot of the time what that child needs is compassion. You might feel like you’re still in the middle of the fire, but you’re not. You’re out of it. You’re sitting here way into the future looking back. And as an adult you get to hold that kid and say I got you.

This is a little out of my comfort zone, a little woo-woo-y, and it f*****g works. So give it a try and let me know how it goes in the comments. And tell me what else you want me to talk about, because your ideas always give me more ideas.

Anyway, at the end of the day, you know the deal. Just f*cking breathe. Peace out.

(Public Service Announcement - the video starts a little slow because for some reason I could not remember what I wanted to say - HA! But it picks up - promise)

I have NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. I get lost a lot. And when I get lost, I kinda loose it. My brain shuts down, and then I get overwhelmed, and then I cry, and then I call my husband, and then I get mad at him for not knowing where I am and not telling me how to correct my course.

Totally unreasonable - I know. I get uncontrollably emotional in these situations.

Surprisingly the Listening Intervention works really well in these situations. I feel like this is a really under used mindfulness intervention that can be applied to a vast amount of situations. It doesn’t have to be while you are sitting with your eyes closed (especially if you are driving), or on a beautiful hike in a forest. You can (purposefully) listen to sounds in a room, listen to music, or even just listen to your breathing during moments of chaos.

Reminder - Mindfulness is Awareness that arises through Paying Attention, on Purpose, in the Present Moment, Non-Judgmentally (yes - there a multiple definitions - this is the one that resonates most with me - it’s from Jon Kabat-Zinn).

When you change your focus of attention from freaking the f#@ck out to something else, your brain starts to work again. Not just any part of your brain, your Thinking Brain. Redirecting your thoughts away from crisis mode allows your Emotional Brain to take a step back, calm down, and your Executive Brain can jump in and come up with a solution.

Here’s what this looks like for me while driving:

* Put address in Waze

* Follow along

* Get confused by highlighted map because I’m clearly on a different road than what it says I’m on (maybe)

* Try to figure out which exit it wants me to take

* Take the wrong exit (if I have 2 choices, I typically choose the wrong one)

* End up on some highway with NO exits forever in site

* Cry

* Try to enter address again

* Change to Maps (Waze must be wrong)

* Can’t figure out icons or graphics of Maps

* Phone shuts down

* I shut down

* Cry some more

* Call my husband

* Get frustrated at him (he has NO IDEA what he’s talking about)

* Hang up

* FINALLY REALIZE I’M FREAKING OUT (Awareness - yay)

* Purposely switch my focus to Listening

* Turn on music 1) that I like and 2) that I know is calming (I love classical piano music)

* Attention shifts away from emotion (and Judgement) of being lost as I intentionally listen to the music

* Emotional brain likes this (yay) and calms the f@#k down

* Prefrontal cortex can now step in and make some logical decisions

* It says “Yup - you are lost - but no biggie - we just need to drive and turn around when we can.” And then, “Yes this kinda sucks, but it is what it is - nothing more we can do now.”

* I’m still a bit frustrated, but now I can think and I have a plan.

* I end up on time wherever I’m going - because I always give myself plenty of driving cushion JUST IN CASE I GET LOST (which I inevitably do).

So - give this a try. Whether you are driving, or at home, the office, grocery store, or even during a family get together (what - your family never triggers you???). Listen to sounds in the room, sounds outside, or play some amazing music if you can. And report back - I love all your stories and successes. They make me smile :)

One last thing I do at the end of my drive

* Call my husband back and apologize for my lame behavior. I’m so not good at this, but I’m working on it.

And remember - when all else fails - Just F’ing Breathe

I was in Jr. High (maybe 7th grade) and had a horrible back problem for the entire year. I could not participate in regular PE classes, so I was put into special ed PE (that’s what it was called - not sure what it’s called today). Our teacher had us do all sorts of games in the gym, just nothing very physical. It was a complicated group, and as I look back now, I can see how much he was juggling, and how consuming and overwhelming it was for him (he seemed easily frustrated at us.) Evey day he would take the last 15 minutes of class and have us all lie down on the ground and do what he called an “imagination game”. I’m guessing this was as much for him as it was for us. He probably just wanted us all to STFU.

His instructions were to lay on the floor, imagine each part of the body he called out ( i.e. feet, legs, torso, arms, shoulders, neck, head) and then we were supposed to “relax” whatever it was he was saying. While some kids would fall asleep (this was so impressive to me!) the larger portion of us would squirm and talk and get agitated. Invariably, at one point, someone would shout out, “how am I supposed to feel my arm if I’m not touching it?” or “where are my feet?” And we would all giggle.

Turns out this “imagination game” has a few other names; Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Body Scan. And all have the same outcome; progressively moving from your feet, to your head, and then back down again, scanning each body part / muscle as you go, slowly training for body awareness and relaxation.

Here I am, some 40 years later, teaching the body scan myself, and every time I teach it I am brought back to that school gym. No matter the population, the size of class, or the time of day, I see the same responses; sleep, squirm, talk, agitation. And ALWAYS - the inevitable question, “how am I supposed to feel my arm if I’m not touching it?” (at which point over half the room nods their heads like “thank god he’s asking, I’ve been so confused!”)

Here’s the deal - some have innate body awareness, others don’t. Who cares. Don’t judge this part, or get caught up on it. Instead, think of the Body Scan as a brain training exercise to teach yourself body awareness.

Why does this matter? When we are under stress, our bodies tense up in response. And most the time, we actually have no idea this is happening. BUT - this is really great information that if we can lock into, we can use to our advantage. For instance - if you encounter someone who triggers you, your shoulders might lift, or your hands might clench. If you are connected to your body, and notice your hands squeezing, you can 1) relax them, and 2) realize that you are having an emotional response to the situation. This allows you a moment to assess, take a pause, and decide how you want to show up (i.e, respond vs react). Information is King (or Queen!)

And, this can be hard, especially in the moment of distress.

So, if it’s challenging to identify your legs, or head (or even if it’s easy for you) a great way to train (to actually feel your body without touching it) is in the shower. You can stand with the water hitting different parts of your body, and begin to connect that sensation with the name of the body part. Let it run on your back and say “back” or over your head and think “head.”

The shower is a great place to practice awareness. And - you will be surprised how great it feels to “notice” the water as it touches your skin. My 7th grade brain could have used this idea. I already felt bad that I was in a “special” class, and during this exercise I would feel worse at not being able to feel my shoulders. And at a minimum, letting the shower water hit my lower back would have been great - I could have used some relief after spending 15 minutes laying on the gym floor with a bad back. Who’s idea was that - it seriously SUCKED!

Ok - I’m taking a breath and softening my shoulders - the felt tense all of a sudden.

Remember - JFB - Just F*****g Breathe

4-7-8 breathing is great to practice while feeling anxious or during overwhelming moments (actually - it can really help in almost all situations!). It quickly helps you to regulate and resets. It works by:

* giving you something other than your “crazy” thoughts to focus on,

* redirecting your mind to thoughts that help stabilize and ground,

* slowing your heart down (with the long exhale) which makes you feel less jittery,

* decreases cortisol overload which helps you to think clearly, and

* allowing you to look composed even when the world may be swirling around you (because you ARE COMPOSED as a result of focusing on your breath!)

All the while - you’re like a secret agent of personal wellness, as no one can tell that you are doing some weird breathing. You can keep a smile on your face (which we heard was very important) - while you inhale for a count of 4, keep smiling while you hold your breath for a count of 7, & continue smiling while you exhale for a count of 8.

AND

Don’t stress about the actual count - that part doesn’t really matter - it’s a bit subjective. Rather - focus on a short inhale, then a bit longer holding of your breath, and then even longer exhale.

At the end of the day 1) breathing helps to regulate stress (as long as you’re not hyperventilating), and 2) redirecting your negative / stress thoughts towards something else helps to bring you back to the present moment (instead of phsycho lala land). When you catch yourself in those moments, remind yourself to BAM - Breathe And Move-on.

Or as I like to say …

Just F*****g Breathe

New background - same me. And. Need to do something about title of my book - may be a strategic error on my part. And. I'll read the book to Y'all soon :)

Thank you for tuning in!

I’d love to say I live in a state of calm and peace all day, every day. But that’s not my reality. For a long time, that idea was a huge barrier to entry when it came to meditation. The mental friction made it feel insurmountable, so my thinking was: why even try?

What I eventually learned is that mindfulness training can create calm and peace - but that’s a secondary benefit. The primary benefit is awareness: acknowledging what’s happening - while it’s happening - so you actually know what the heck is going on, and can do something about it.

Meditation and mindfulness aren’t about manufacturing euphoria (though sometimes that happens, and that’s cool). They’re about bringing subconscious thoughts into conscious awareness. Less spinning in your head, more connection to what’s happening in your body - where the real information usually is.

What does it mean to "pay attention" and why don't we get more instruction on how to do this? Try this mindfulness intervention to help fine tune attention by using sounds to gather, focus and direct "paying attention".

Mindfulness Intervention ~ Listening

Focusing, bringing awareness to the task at hand. Listening internally, listening to sounds in the room, and listening to sounds outside the room.

Mindfulness - training brain the for brain.

NEW EPISODE | Just F’ing Breathe Podcast | Episode 6: Motion Is Lotion

Sometimes moving your body helps release stress.

I’m not saying go for a run, do yoga, or knock out some squats (although -- not bad ideas if that’s available to you).

I’m talking about simple movement.

Because it’s not just the movement itself that helps - - it’s also the conscious connection you create between awareness and sensation that helps. Mindfulness is all about knowing you’re doing something while you’re doing it.

That kind of training builds upstream and downstream awareness. One informs the other.

When you train your brain to notice sensations in your body, you get information about your emotional state. And when you train awareness of your emotional state, you start to notice what’s happening in your body.

You feel tension in your hands -- maybe you’re upset about something.

You’re upset about something -- maybe your hands are clenched.

Same information. Different entry points.

Here’s how this plays out in real life:

You notice your jaw hurts. Through training, you know you clench when you’re stressed -- so something’s going on. Do a quick mindfulness intervention to release the tension.

Or… you realize you’re stressed, do a quick body scan, and notice your jaw is clenched -- which is making things worse. You release the jaw, and your nervous system follows.

Motion is lotion.

Awareness creates choice.

Choice creates relief.

That’s what this episode is about.

Reminder: #JFB

Breathing and sensing tools to help manage your nervous system. This episode uses the breath, following specific patterns, when regulating is difficult. Use this in the moments of chaos, and also in between all the other moments. JFB

Today’s Just F*****g Breathe podcast is about training for happiness.And yeah - - that might sound strange at first.

But sometimes… you actually do have to train for happiness.

One way to do that is by deliberately thinking about things that make you feel good - - and think about them over and over again. You’re basically teaching your brain to go there on purpose. To make happiness feel familiar. Automatic. Like muscle memory, as opposed to struggle memory - - where you struggle to recall information (I think I just made up “struggle memory” - - but you know what I mean.)

Here’s the high-level takeaway:

The more you repeat a behavior, the easier it becomes to access - - regardless of whether the behavior is helpful to you or not. So if you practice frustration, stress, and worst-case thinking all the time… your brain gets really good at that.

But if you practice noticing what’s good? Same deal.

Friction.Resistance.Eye rolls.“I don’t feel like this today.”

Totally normal.

In general, think of the JFB Podcast, and / or this episode, like a taste test.

When I try a new food, I smell it first. Then I take a small bite. Let it sit. Then decide if I want more.

Do the same here.

Listen today. Get a feel for it. No pressure to “do it right.”

You can always come back later and do the actual practice when you’re ready.

And as always - - when all else fails…

Just f*****g breathe.

#JFB