Last week we heard Part One of Kate Wolfenden’s Untamed Coaching Adventure. She spoke of the initial doubts and assumptions that showed up when we started working together. In this Untamed Perspective episode, she takes us through Part Two.

Audio Transcript:

Last week we heard Part One of Kate Wolfenden’s Untamed Coaching Adventure. She spoke of the initial doubts that showed up when we started working together and how she chose to overcome them and fully committed to the process. 

This week, she shares with us, the stories she was subconsciously telling herself and the power of meaning.

2 – LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS

So Jim and I got into a rhythm and started working. It was important for me to realise that the work didn’t start and stop on the calls as I had first imagined it might. The calls really were just a check in point. The real work happened between the calls. Either through the awareness brought about by our conversations, or more practically speaking, the work set between each call.

Two of the most powerful exercises in this time I thought might be worth mentioning here.  

1. Recognising and taking responsibility for my inner critic, and 

2. Rewriting stories. 

Looking back now, it really must have been obvious to everybody but me quite how much of a strong grip my inner critic had on me. Half-way through our first call, Jim stopped me and said. Okay, so do you know you have put yourself down X times in the last 30 minutes? I honestly didn’t.  

Well, actually, let me qualify that - maybe I did know what I was saying, but somehow, somewhere along I had made that okay. 

I have to admit, it grated on me a little bit when we first started talking. Jim interrupting me all the time to correct my language.  

I mean, I got it the first time, Jim. Do we really need to labour the point?

But, of course we did. 

What Jim was really doing was shining a light on it. Soon it became crystal clear. Both the level of noise and the variety of self-criticisms. All of a sudden, it moved from the subconscious to the conscious. And that was a game changer.

And then from the awareness of how present it was in my life, we moved into the why. And we started that with definitions. 

What did confidence really mean to me, anyway? And while we’re there – success, happiness, failure. 

On and on we went. 

Before long, it was easy to see how a simple thing like definitions and meanings of words, was compounding this suboptimal view of myself, deeper and deeper into my psyche every single day. 

Sounds a bit bleak doesn’t it? Well it definitely did to me, too. 

Well, thanks for that Jim. I know I’ve got an inner critic and I know she’s been around for years. Wonderful, we’ve now turned up the volume. What are we going to do next? Invite her round for tea? ;) 

The beautiful news to me that Jim shared next, though, was that it was all reversible. It took me a fair bit of time to believe this, but as far as I can tell, with diligent effort, it’s true. 

When we broke it down and looked at the ways I built this identity up in myself in the past, the tools that I had so handily crafted at the time for the work, actually conveniently doubled up as the self-same tools to get myself out of it. Used in a more conscious and positive way of course, but nevertheless the self-same tools. 

As just two examples relevant to me – I had somehow connected confidence with arrogance and humility with a lovable self-deprecating typically British humour. 

This had led me to a place where I would lead the way in putting myself down so others could feel comfortable in doing so too, as well as persistently turning down any opportunity to celebrate myself or any achievement I may have made – large or small - for fear of it being perceived as arrogance. 

As you can imagine, neither of these connections were serving me well.

To tackle these behaviours we wrote out of the story of what they meant to me, and shone a light on how that sound track had been playing in my head, over and over for years now. 

To stop that track on its endless repeat cycle wasn’t about avoiding it, like I had imagined it would be. It was about facing it. Writing it out. 

Becoming acutely aware of it and where it doesn’t serve me well, then rewriting that story so that it does. If you rewrite the meaning, you rewrite your world, Jim shared at the time. 

I think he’s actually right. 

Rewriting a story doesn’t happen overnight though. You can’t just do an exercise, file it in a folder and congratulate yourself for the great work as I hoped I could. It takes re-reading that story every day. Meditating on it. Rewriting it again if I needed to, over and over, until I feel like it’s true.  

If it sounds like hard work to you, then I’d say, in the kindest possible way, maybe you’re not ready. Because if you put the work in the reward is better than you can imagine, but if you don’t it may just become another ‘thing’ you’ve ticked off the list, to prove this kind of thing doesn’t work for you. 

I hope that having listened to Kate’s journey up to now, a light has been shined on any stories you may have been telling yourself.

I hope that Kate’s willingness to face up to what she uncovered, despite the initial pain it caused, inspires you to unpack your own bag, and trust that what you find will make you stronger, not weaker!

Stay tuned for part three coming soon.