Sex is probably one of the hardest things to discuss with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Many couples tell me the only time they talk about sex is usually when there’s tension or a complaint. If a conversation about sex always leads to bad feelings then of course we’ll avoid the subject. There’s another way to talk about sex that is more relaxed, curious and intentional.

Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner will hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to discuss, the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that you both feel heard and understood.

Put aside time for a private conversation. Wait until you both feel relaxed and your minds are clear (from work, kids, chores, unresolved disagreements, and the other concerns of daily life). Take the conversation out of the bedroom. Turn off your phones. (Seriously!) Get cozy and make physical contact. Set the scene to explore feelings and be ready to listen deeply. This isn’t about trying to get someone to behave as you wish; it’s about confessing your desires and listening to theirs!

Don’t wait until you’re exhausted at the end of the day: carve out moments for conversation when you have the energy to talk and listen.

Take your space. Many of my clients are self-conscious about closing their bedroom door during the day for alone time if they have family in the house. Show your family members that you prioritize and value your relationship by taking time to nurture it, whether it’s for talking, cuddling, or sex. You’re showing your kids that your relationship matters to you. That’s good modeling.

Take turns sharing. It never works when two people try to share at the same time. If one of you is sharing, the other needs to only listen until they’re finished talking. Stay open-hearted and open-minded without words or looks of judgment and shaming.

Don’t interrupt! Be patient until they’ve said what they want to say. When they’re finished, you can ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add. And then thank them for sharing.

Ask them how they felt about sharing their desires. They might have felt nervous about it and now feel relieved. Or they might suddenly feel embarrassed or afraid of being rejected. Be sensitive to their feelings and remember that our erotic minds are all unique! We can’t fully understand where our desires come from, but we can listen with an open and curious heart.

Keep your questions open-ended and get curious about your partner. Many people have trouble asking for what they want sexually. Some don’t honestly believe they deserve to get what they want, so be a receptive listener. Right now, this is about them, not you.

When you’ve had time for some questions and answers, notice your feelings:

* Do you feel threatened that your sexual tastes might be different?

* Are you feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do?

* Do you feel insecure that your partner might not want you if you don’t share the same desires?

* Can you communicate difficult feelings without blaming your partner for making you feel that way?

* Do you feel touched that your partner has spoken their truth and demonstrated their trust in you to hear it.

Think of conversations about sex in terms of a newborn baby: Protect it from harm, hold it tenderly, and nurture it with loving attention. Take turns sharing what might be hard to confess, knowing your partner is holding the space for you to open up. If difficult feelings arise, don’t abandon the conversation. This is where you can both practice patience and vulnerability.

If one of you is triggered, listen to their fears with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes in that moment. Sometimes that’s all it takes for those fears to subside. It’s a process of learning and accepting one another, and that doesn’t happen overnight.

Trust is built by consistent, small gestures, not grand promises or proclamations! Even if our partner’s chosen activity isn’t our cup of tea, be curious about what it is that turns them on. Listen to their thoughts and insights and be open to the possibility that you might discover your own turn-on while trying something new!

If one person prefers an evening of romance and tender lovemaking, make a date to fill their cup with exactly what they desire, down to the details. If the other wants to get tied up and objectified, plan a time soon to give them that experience, so they get their cup filled as well! In other words, take turns giving and receiving. Both of them are delicious and fulfilling.

When you give your partner an experience you know they love that’s not “your thing,” draw from the sheer pleasure of enjoying their turn-on, knowing you’re giving them what they want with a generous and loving heart. Trust that they’ll do the same for you when the time is right.

Your primary sexual needs might not align perfectly but you could find yourselves expanding your sexual menus to include a variety of experiences. Think about it: If your partner was your sexual clone, your sex life would lack the erotic tension that comes with difference! Difference has a lot to teach us if we face it with an open mind.

Keep the words flowing. Our words let others into our heart. Words help us feel understood and even bring clarity to our own thoughts when we speak them out loud.

Judgment closes the door to learning and erodes trust. A roll of the eyes, a snide comment, a joke, a look of disapproval, silence, all have the power to close down the subject of sex, never be brought up again.

Remember, your partner is no more responsible for their erotic turn-ons than they are the color of their eyes. Rather than seeing them as a problem, learn how differences broaden the playing field. Celebrate a full spectrum of love and eros!

Make these conversations part of your life together. If we begin sensitive conversations by reassuring our partner that they’re loved and respected, curiosity and interest will take the place of fear. Be courageous enough to lay your heart on the table and start talking!

Share this article with your partner, and ask them if they’d like to talk. :)

As I’ve always said, every couple learn to talk about sex with as much ease and flow as talking about lunch.

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