Leading Under Fire: Tough Conversations for Managers

Someone on your team closes your door and says, "Have you got a minute? It's personal." Before they say another word, you can see it in their face.

It might be a sick parent, a marriage coming apart or a child in trouble. Your stomach drops, your chest tightens and everything in you wants this to stop. So most managers take one of three escape routes. You fix it for them. You send them home. Or you stay calm on the outside, then lie awake at 2am carrying a problem that was never yours. Each one feels like kindness. Mostly, each one is you escaping the heat.

This episode is the recording of my free webinar on that one moment, when someone falls apart in front of you.

Here is what you'll hear.

• Why the urge to fix it is mostly about your own discomfort. Feelings are contagious. You feel their distress in your own body, and fixing their problem is the fastest way to make that feeling stop.

• How rescuing turns into resentment on the Drama Triangle. You start as the Rescuer, slide into Victim when your advice is ignored, and end up as the Persecutor joking that managing would be a great job if it weren't for the people. I also share the letter Stephen Karpman sent me when I was writing my book.

• What to say instead. Start your sentence with "you", not "I". "You're at a really hard crossroads." I explain why "I'm so sorry to hear that" can leave the other person comforting you.

• The AND move for a team member who is grieving. "You're feeling this deeply, and how can I help you get back to work?" Work can be one of the places that holds people up.

Feelings are data, not instructions. When you stop rushing to put out the fire and stay steady in it, people calm down and very often work it out for themselves. Their answer sticks, and because it was never yours to solve, you don't take it home.

One manager I worked with had a long-serving staff member who was grieving and had started taking time off without asking. When the manager finally raised it, the staff member exploded and threatened to resign. The manager didn't argue back and didn't cave in. They listened, held the line and said, "I need to be asked. I don't want to be told." Within days the staff member was asking properly. The manager's proudest moment was simple. "I felt calm the whole way through."

If this episode has stirred up something bigger about how your work is going, book a free 30-minute call with me. You'll talk through what's working, what keeps tripping you up and what takes the enjoyment out of the job. It happens outside your workplace, and it isn't a sales pitch.

https://calendly.com/tuf-book-now/diagnostic-conversation 

Go gently with yourself this week, and with the people who knock on your door.

How do you stay calm when someone gets angry with you at work? Knowing what to do is the easy part.

I've taught people to manage their emotions for over 25 years. A while ago a driver yelled at me at a red light in the city, and I swore back at him. Cars behind us started tooting, and I rode home with my adrenaline still pumping. If someone who teaches this for a living can lose it at the traffic lights, you can lose it in a meeting. That's not a character flaw. That's a training gap, and a training gap can be fixed.

This first episode of Leading Under Fire is for you if you lead people. Maybe you were promoted because you were good at the work, and now you manage the people who used to be your peers. Maybe one of your staff gets defensive every time you raise something. Maybe it's your own boss who makes your stomach tighten. Most managers I meet have plenty of empathy. What they're short on is a way to stay calm, say the hard thing kindly and hold the line. So the difficult conversation gets put off, and you think about it in the car and check your emails on Sunday night.

Here is what you'll hear.

• Why losing your temper under pressure is a training gap and not a character flaw.
• What 19 years as a Catholic priest, and running hospital groups for people recovering from addiction, taught me about anger. The calmest person in the room leads the conversation.
• What a bank branch manager noticed after two evening sessions with his staff. The customers hadn't changed. The staff had.
• BATH, the four-step sequence I teach for staying calm in a difficult conversation. B is Breathe. A is Acknowledge your own feelings, to yourself. T is Think, and ask what else might be going on in their life. H is Hit reset. All four steps are about you, and none of them is about changing the other person.

The skills hold up at work. A software engineer I worked with stepped into his first team leader role and inherited a team that had chewed up three managers in two years. He brought real situations to the group week by week and practised new ways to respond. Within nine months, during a restructure, he was promoted.

Try this in the coming week. Pick one moment when you feel the heat rise. Before you respond, take three slow belly breaths and put a name to what you're feeling. Say it only to yourself, then see what changes.

If you'd like the full set of skills in one place, the audiobook of Thriving Under Fire is linked in these show notes. For a short idea in your inbox each week, sign up for my newsletter at tuf.co.nz.

Conflict isn't the enemy. Avoidance is.

There's a conversation you've been putting off. You think about it in the car, and you think about it on Sunday night.

You know which one it is. A team member's work has slipped, or someone's behaviour is wearing the rest of the team down, and you haven't said anything yet. You may be worried about hurting their feelings, or about getting it wrong. You tell yourself you'll raise it when the timing is better, and the timing doesn't get better. So you carry it home, you stew on it over the weekend, and by Monday it feels bigger than it did on Friday. I see this often in capable managers who care about their people. Nobody taught you how to have these conversations. That's not a character flaw. That's a training gap.

Leading Under Fire is a leadership podcast about tough conversations for managers and team leaders. I'm John Faisandier, and for more than 25 years I've helped managers across New Zealand and Australia handle the difficult conversations at work they'd rather avoid.

Here is what you'll hear on the show:

• The stories and the thinking behind how I help managers through tough conversations.
• Short episodes that give you one useful idea.
• Longer episodes that go deeper into the problems managers bring to me.
• Managers who got it wrong and managers who got it right, including me.

Every episode teaches you something you can use with your own team.

Most advice about difficult conversations tries to change the other person. I start somewhere else. I start with you, and with how you handle yourself when the pressure comes on. If you're good at the technical side of your job and you find the people side harder, this show is for you.

Conflict isn't the enemy. Avoidance is. Avoiding conflict at work feels safer today and costs you more next week. When you deal with things early, they stay small. A manager I worked with told me, "I'm calmer going in, and I don't carry it home the way I used to."

Follow Leading Under Fire wherever you listen to podcasts, and the next episode will be waiting when you want it.