Every believer is expected to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15; see also 1 Corinthians 12:26). When we mourn with those who mourn, we should avoid certain things, such as trying to cheer people up, competing with them by sharing our own stories of grief, or being false prophets by telling them things will get better.

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Every believer is expected to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:1). When we mourn with those who mourn, we should avoid certain things.

Table of contentsWe Must All Weep with Those Who WeepI Wasn't Equipped to Weep with Those Who WeepFirst, Don’t Try to Change the MoodAn Entire Book About WeepingSecond, Don’t “Pour Vinegar on Soda”Elkanah's Insensitivity to His Wife, HannahThird, Don’t Try to CompeteFourth, Don’t Be a False ProphetLearning from Job's FriendsPeople's Responses When My Brother Passed AwayWhy We Can Weep with HopeJob Wept with Hope

If I had to choose one verse to summarize my ministry, it would be:

Ephesians 4:12 [pastors are] to equip the saints for the work of ministry.

We tend to think pastors are the only ones in ministry, but the Bible says pastors are supposed to equip the saints to do the work of the ministry.

In John MacArthur's sermon, “The Foundation for Fifty-Five Years of Ministry,” he wrote about the need for everyone to minister:

“I understood the church had to be a place of mutual ministry, fellowship, spiritual gifts in one another. We have gifts that we minister to others. I have a spiritual gift for you. My gift is not for me, it’s for you. You have spiritual giftsspeaking gifts, serving gifts…Every one of us fits into the body of Christ in a way that the Spirit of God has designed for us to have a ministry that is critical to the life of the church.

Grace Church has always had that. In the early years, the first article ever written on Grace Church was…titled ‘The Church with 900 Ministers.’ We had 900 people at the time. And what struck him was these were not spectators; these people were really caring for each other. He picked that up on his own.

That article got a lot of traction because people didn’t think of churches in that sense. But we were heavily on a bent on giving instruction on the mutual ministry of God’s people to each other in a church so that we’re not spectators. Things that go on around here, you could never ever imagine that I did them. When I come here, I’m as shocked as you are at everything. Who does all this? This church has always understood fellowship, mutual ministry, caring for each other.”

I have the same desire for Woodland Christian Church. I’m thankful so many serve because each person plays a vital role in the church family. Part of the ministry you should be equipped for is visiting the hurting. I will cover this in two posts. This post covers what we shouldn’t do when weeping with those who are weeping, and the other post, Six Ways to Provide Biblical Comfort for Those Who Mourn, covers what we should do.

We Must All Weep with Those Who Weep

Scripture contains verses for specific people, such as husbands, wives, children, single people, widows, older people, and younger people. Scripture also contains verses for everyone regardless of their season of life. Romans 12 is one of those chapters written to anyone and everyone.

The chapter begins with familiar verses appealing to us to present our bodies as living sacrifices. It is followed by the command not to be conformed to the world but to be transformed by renewing our minds. Then verses 3-8 encourage us to use God's gifts. Finally, in verses 9-21, Paul has a section titled “Behave like a Christian” or “Marks of the True Christian.” These verses are written to every Christian, and Romans 12:15 says:

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

If people have the gift of leadership but not the gift of service, they can’t say, “I’ll be in charge, but don’t expect me to serve.” Or if people have the gift of ministry but not the gift of encouragement, they can’t say, “I’ll minister, but I won’t encourage.” Or if people have the gift of teaching but not the gift of mercy, they can’t say, “I’ll teach, but I won’t be merciful.” While people with the gift of mercy, service, or encouragement might find it easier to weep with those weeping, Romans 12:15 says it is everyone’s responsibility. Similarly:

1 Corinthians 12:26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

I want to equip us to weep with those weeping and suffer with those suffering.

I Wasn't Equipped to Weep with Those Who Weep

I wasn’t equipped in this area. I think my first introduction to weeping with those who weep was in 2007; not long after I started pastoring, I went with another pastor to visit a young girl who was dying of a brain tumor. I thought we would visit with her, but she could only get out of bed for a few moments before she had to return. We mainly visited with her father and, I believe, her grandmother, who were understandably devastated by what was happening.

I had no idea what to say, so I’m unsure if I said anything besides introducing myself when I arrived and saying goodbye when we left. I hate to say it, but I thought the pastor with me did a terrible job. He tried to deliver the previous Sunday’s sermon to the father and grandmother, but that didn’t go well. It wasn’t the time or place.

I know I’m not the only one who has wondered what to say or how to act in these situations. Two of my fellow elders permitted me to share that when I was driving to see the family of a boy who drowned and the family of a man dying, they asked how to handle the situation. Over the years, people have told me, “I want to visit so-and-so, but I don’t know what to say,” or “I heard what happened to this person, and I want to say something, but I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.”

First, Don’t Try to Change the Mood

It makes sense that we should rejoice with those who rejoice. When people are prosperous, we should celebrate with them and be happy for them. We shouldn’t be downers and start complaining or sharing about our problems, ruining the mood. But the part that might not sound like what we would expect is that we are also told to weep with those who are weeping and suffer with those who are suffering…versus helping them feel better. In other words, we might expect the verses to read this way:

Romans 12:15 Cheer up those who are weeping.

1 Corinthians 12:26 If one member suffers, encourage him or her.

Instead, we should weep and suffer with them, so we shouldn’t try to change the mood. Consider these verses:

Ecclesiastes 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven

Solomon lists different seasons, and here are two of them…

Ecclesiastes 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance

There are acceptable times and seasons to weep and mourn.

An Entire Book About Weeping

Many books of the Bible are associated with specific topics. For example:

Proverbs is a book about wisdom. God has given us an entire book to help us become wise.

Job is a book about suffering. God has given us an entire book to understand suffering.

Song of Solomon is a book about romance. God has given us an entire book to understand romance.

Philippians is a book about joy. God has given us an entire book to hep us be joyful.

And we have a book called Lamentations. Lamenting is synonymous with weeping. In other words, God has also given us an entire book about weeping and lamenting. And many of the Psalms are laments. God wants us to be familiar and comfortable with this topic.

Second, Don’t “Pour Vinegar on Soda”

Elkanah tried to encourage his wife, Hannah. Of course, it has to be a husband trying to fix things for his wife, right? But in the process, he did more harm than good. Three things made Hannah’s life very difficult:

First, her husband, Elkanah, is also married to another woman, Peninnah. Talk to any woman whose husband has a second wife, and she’ll tell you how hard her life is. You may wonder why some men in Scripture took multiple wives. God never condoned this. It is descriptive versus prescriptive. Polygamy portrays the sad reality of ancient cultures.

Luke 7:35 [Jesus said], “Wisdom is justified by all her children.”

Justified means declared right. The wisdom of decisions is justified or shown to be right by the children or by what’s produced from the decision. Polygamist marriages were always characterized by turmoil and strife instead of peace and harmony, showing foolishness versus wisdom.

Second, Hannah’s life is difficult because her husband’s other wife, Peninnah, is cruel to her.

Third, Peninnah could have children, but Hannah could not. It is bad enough not to be able to have children, but how much worse is it when your husband’s other wife can?

1 Samuel 1:4 On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. 5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb.

While we are on the subject of weeping and suffering, I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that we are looking at one of the most common causes of grief, especially for women: not being able to have children. I know this can be a difficult trial for women in the church: They see other women having children, and they see the church celebrating those women having children. But when they have trouble having a child, I can only imagine how difficult that must be.

1 Samuel 1:6 And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. 7 So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.