Sometimes my inability to give a f**k and feeling so little about things that aren’t that important to me really comes in handy.

Yesterday, I wrote about capacity, and one of the questions that determines it is “How much am I processing from social media? What kind of comments am I getting?” Let me add to it: How many people are in my DM’s with hateful messages? How many Zionists are leaving me threats? How many people are leaving comments that are bold racist misinformation? And also how are the supportive and intentional messages I get from comrades influencing me?

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On October 1st of last year, my relationship with social media started to shift. I posted a get ready with me video on tiktok and talked about being a single childfree femme in my 30’s. My main point was how I need to grieve what my younger self thought my future would be like - even though I don’t have the same dreams or aspirations. For the first time, a post of mine reached over 70k views. That week, I was so dysregulated from the views passing 10k, because the thought of so many people perceiving me in such a raw and casual way was intense. The dysregulation wasn’t even about getting harsh feedback - pretty much all of the comments were so vulnerable and supportive - it became a space where people shared their own stories and ways they are grieving. Beautiful. Still, my body was reacting to how scary it was to be seen by so many people.

Looking back, that tiktok was preparing me to be comfortable with being perceived by a s**t ton of people. Truly, after that video, I have not had the same experience or dysregulation. Talking about building capacity!

Cumulatively, I have millions of eyes on the videos that I make on instagram. Because the content that I share is mostly about liberation of Palestine, Congo and Sudan, it has become easier to release control of how I’m being perceived. It’s very personal and comes from my soul, BUT it’s not about me.

People aren’t really perceiving me as a well rounded human - I am a vessel and a mirror. I am a blip on people’s radar. What I’m hopefully doing is tilling the soil of revolution. Or slowing people down enough to absorb information and have their heart fire stoked for transformation.

When violent comments and DM’s come my way mostly via zionists, my integrity and conviction goes so deep, it mostly doesn’t affect me now. It wasn’t always like that…October and November was pretty rough. The r*pe threats, the death threats, the comments about people wanting Palestinians being wiped off the planet, the sinophobia racist comments…the nasty disgusting DM’s, comments, emails was alot. Omg - they would send these gifs in my comment sections of missiles course correcting. So many israel flags *gag.* They were coming in everyday in the hundreds. Honestly, there might be more to be processed, but for now I feel like it isn’t sticking to me. Of course racists are going to have a big reaction to truth telling.

Now that I’m writing it out, my initial premise of things not really affecting me probably is false haha!

Ok, shifting a bit, it affects me. However, it doesn’t hit anything close to my core, because I believe in what I say. Witnessing genocides, gives me the energy to use my voice along with my community and comrades. I am part of the choir! It is an honor like what I wrote yesterday!

Another reason why doing in person liberation workshops and direct action feels so right is because I don’t want my work on social media to absolve me from IRL community building. That’s where the magic happens. The social media parts should encourage people to do what they can in their local communities. It honestly sucks, because doing social media is straight forward - the real life relationship and community part is messy and chaotic.

I’m still figuring out what the hell I’m doing. It’s all so very new. I just know that I have people’s attention and that is a big responsibility. Attention is so valuable. The question is how do I take the responsibility seriously and not take my ego that seriously?

Going back to the first sentence of this post: Sometimes my inability to give a f**k and feeling so little about things that aren’t that important to me really comes in handy. I stand by it. I want my heart to bleed for the things that matter and for everything else, I want it to slip off me easily.

What does Liberatory Imagination spark in me today?

A future where we don’t need to be tortured about where our energy goes - it just naturally flows to serve our existisitential destiny in community.

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