In episode 47 Chelsey sits down to talk singleness with Brice Mitchell, Student Director at 514 Church in Columbus, OH and Kendra Schwarz, OBS Manager for Proverbs 31 Ministries in Charlotte, NC. Brice and Kendra give a refreshing perspective on how this season of life is not a curse, maybe not desired in their hearts, but that God is preparing them for what He has prepared for them. We all have seasons we may not desire but that God will use to grow us. Single or not, this message is for all of us. 

How have you learned how to live with the desire for marriage but also being okay with God’s plan for your life?

• K: It hasn’t been easy. Remembering God is sovereign and good and all-knowing puts my life into perspective. Also, taking a year from dating in 2016 helped re-align my wants/desires with what God has in store for my life (thoughts matter, desires matter, motives matter, how we understand love matters).
• B: - I actually think that I repressed this desire for the longest time. While marriage was something I wanted, I kept telling myself and everyone else around me that I was “too busy” to date—that between my job, my friendships and social life, and my own walk with God, that I just didn’t have the margin to add in a romantic relationship. I’ve been on a journey of discovering that a lot of it was that the idea of marriage and letting someone be that proximate to my pain was hard for me, even though I wanted it desperately. I’ve learned to see where I’m at in life as a season of specific growth. I’m planted, I’m rooted, I’m being nurtured, but I’m also being pruned into becoming more and more like Jesus. When you see your season as a season of growth, it changes the way you see the rest of your life. God is preparing me for what he has prepared for me.

How can we stay content when God has us single even though we may not think it’s the best plan for our life?

• K: wanting to please God and be kept in His perfect plan is my motivation to embrace singleness. Also, understanding why He might have us in this season helps too. For example, you’ll never have more freedom than you do now. So recognizing I have a lot of time to dedicate to friends and freedom to make my own schedule and fill it how I want helps me be content. Understanding He may be cultivating something in me to match His character. What would I miss out on if He removed me from this season right now? Would I miss out on being more patient in the future? Also, after struggling with it for years, I’m finally seeing some fruit come from my struggle. Speaking at small conferences about singleness, talking to friends who struggle, connecting with people on social media… it’s given my struggle a purpose and it’s been neat to see.
• B: This one is a little more tough. It’s incredibly difficult. As a type four on the enneagram, I struggle to be content with anything that I have—I create inner-idealized fantasies of where I should be in life, the things I would like, the way I want things to play out, and reality tends to never match that of what I create in my mind. That’s a dangerous place to be. I have been striving to live in the season I’m in rather than wait for the season to come. There’s so much happening right here and right now that I’m too afraid to miss what God has placed directly in front of me — friendships, ministry, my small groups, etc.

How do you navigate new seasons and changing friendships when all your friends start getting married and having babies besides you?

• K: I love people and I love celebrating people. I’d be lying if I told you I can go to weddings and not think, “why not me?” but as I’ve gotten older and spent more time with God and understanding His character, I’m able to re-focus my attention not on a girl in a white dress professing forever to a guy but on the beautiful covenant they’re making to each other and this makes me excited for them. Also remembering it’s not all blissful. So if I get married, it’s not going to fill the void in my heart. De-throning my future husband/role as a mom is something I’ve had to learn.
• B: I’m in the same boat as Kendra on this one. I absolutely love weddings and love celebrating life’s biggest milestones, like having a child, but it can also be really difficult. I don’t think I’ve ever become apathetic or have lost sight of celebrating, but what tends to happen to me is all of those little thoughts in the back of your mind the next day. I’m fully present in the moment, but the next moment leaves me a little sad and yearning for what they have. I’ve had to check myself and check my heart. I think yearning is okay, but yearning can quickly become jealousy or envy. I think it’s okay to say, “I wish I had that,” while also learning to say, “I’m happy that they are experiencing this amazing, beautiful thing.”

What do you do in your season of singleness to live life and just live in the moment?

• K: I keep busy. I’ve been in a little quarter-life crisis mode. It’s an exciting place to be though because it’s kicked my butt into high gear to do things while I’m young and “free” before I settle down (go to Italy, visit family who live far away, etc.)
• B: I fill my margin. Now, this did become a dangerous thing for awhile, so I’ve had to learn boundaries and how to prioritize my time, but when I’m at my healthiest, I’m spending time with people. As a youth pastor, my heart breaks for students but my heart is also filled by doing life with them, so I spend a lot of time building relationships with them. Living in the moment is one thing, but owning the moment (Carl Lentz) is another. I’ve been learning to utilize every moment, to not just live in it, but to consciously choose to be present, to show grace, to experience joy, and to point others to Jesus.

Where do you turn in God’s word when you’re wrestling with trusting Him in this area?

• K: Mentors and past journal entries of how He has come through before.
• B: Psalm 23:1, My boss, my roommate, my journals.

Do guys struggle with singleness as much as girls do?

• B: I can’t speak for everyone, but in speaking for myself and the other men that I have surrounded myself with…ABSOLUTLELY. I honestly think that one of the biggest factors in why many people, especially men, struggle with singleness is because of how it’s portrayed by the modern-day church. Marriage is celebrated while being single is almost either never talked about or it’s seen as an obstacle in life. The amount of times that I’ve heard, “you’ll find someone,” or “God has a plan,” while in the context of the church is almost disheartening. Most churches don’t talk about singleness, but they’ll talk about marriage all day long. As a 26 year old Christian man, I would love to hear some messages about how to be content in this season, how I can glorify God through my singleness, rather than just hearing messages on how to become the right person or how to find the right person. Those are important messages, but they portray a sense of yearning for something that I don’t have, which can almost come off as “you’re not good enough for marriage.”

Living with less question - the living with less podcast is all about living with less of the things getting in the way of who Christ is calling us to be. If someone asked you what they 1st needed to begin living with less of what would it be and why?

• K: Live with less control and expectation.
• B: less PRIDE. The more you focus on God and who He is, the less you think of yourself and you begin to become more informed of who you are called to be, rather than who you want to be.

What do you think the score will be for the Ohio State/Michigan game?

• K: LOL
• B: Honestly, same as Kendra, but 48-20.

I'm so thankful these two took the time to sit down and get real about this season. I love that they shed like on a topic that the church can get negative about. You can find Brice and Kendra on Instagram, @br1cekr1spy and @kendraschwarz.