47: Letter From a Listener—There are Times When Hope Seems Fleeting

Emily Fonnesbeck, RD and Marci Evans, MS, CEDRD, cPT are back on the podcast to have a discussion about a listener letter all about eating disorder recovery. Themes of home, black and white thinking, perfectionism, community and how to take steps forward are all discussed and more. You'll love the words of this letter and the wisdom of the panel members! Links mentioned: Sensing the Self by Sheila Reindl Marci's website (with social links): http://www.marcird.com/ Emily's website (with social links): http://www.emilyfonnesbeck.com/ Text of the Letter: There are times when hope seems fleeting. Anxiety, depression, guilt and shame can be so prevalent. There are also times where you just don't feel worthy of an answer to anything especially an answer to prayer. I want to let you know that these are the times when we need to continue to pray, continue to have hope and lean on the knowledge that there is a purpose to everything. I have experienced this and continue to experience this now. No one ever asks for adversity or challenges that can either break a person or through the experience will make them stronger, and in some situations you may have the opportunity to even be able to help someone whom is going through the same trials. This doesn't make it any easier. Yet can make it bearable. I have struggled for many years now with something called "an eating disorder” I call it the "Cloud" because this is how I felt, surrounded by a thick, dark and daunting, cloud. I have a difficult time calling it anorexia. Yet this is what it is. This can affect anyone, it doesn’t matter the size you are, sex, or age. Eating disorders do not discriminate. I was diagnosed a little over 2 years ago now. Yet now I understand it started many years before that. It starts small, and continues to develop into something that becomes out of control, the interesting part is control is what you think you are achieving. But you are actually in a downward spiral. I was in denial that anything was wrong and at times I still have doubts that I even had or have a problem. I felt so alone, but this is the time when I was surrounded by those who loved me. I was blinded by shame and guilt. I wanted to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter and friend. As I strive for this, thinking that if I lost more weight people would accept me. I couldn't have been more wrong. I received all the praise and accolades that go along with weight loss. Yet as the praise continued the guilt grew, I didn't know when I would be able to stop. Or why I felt so ashamed. It has been said that if you had the ability to listen to others with the same disorder, our words, feelings of shame are the same, almost like a recording. Yet we have never met. How can this be? What is really the common thread through all of this? As I continue to struggle, I have hope that things will someday get easier. There will be times when I have to rely on others; this is something that I’m not comfortable with. In fact, the disorder will actually try to deceive you into believing that only you can do this on your own. It will take courage; it will take all your strength to endure the times that seem impossible to overcome. Yet we need to understand we are never alone. Look around you, there is beauty in your surroundings, a sunrise, and the sound of a bird chirping or hearing a child singing. More than anything though we need to see the beauty that is within ourselves. We are all marvelous works of art.  We can radiate glory, we can radiate love and we definitely radiate beauty. This has nothing to do with what society thinks as beauty. We are so much more. We have beauty that is immeasurable. We all have the light, some days the light may be dim, or just a flicker, yet will all have light. I know I have so much more to learn. I know that there will be a time that my burdens which are upon my shoulders will someday lighten. With patience, love, and kindness for myself I will endure my trials. As I continue to have hope and the courage to continue to lean on the fact I have a purpose. There is so much more to me than what the eating disorder wants me to believe. I will conquer, I will hold fast to the knowledge that I am enough.