As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship while building essential listening skills in your child/teen.

Your child’s/teen’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. Listening skills can support your child’s/teen’s ability to engage in healthy relationships, focus, and learn. For example, children/teens must listen to their teacher if they follow directions and successfully navigate expectations at school. Not surprisingly, better listening skills are associated with school success. 

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are carving out their identity, and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. They come to better understand themselves through interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers. This is a critical time to teach and practice listening skills. 

However, everyone encounters difficulties in listening. With screens, such as mobile devices, captivating children and teens for hours each day, it's easy to overlook opportunities to engage with your child or teen and practice listening skills. Effective listening involves utilizing crucial skills such as impulse control, focused attention, empathy, and both nonverbal and verbal communication.

For parents or those in a parenting role, the key to many challenges, like building essential listening skills, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you for growing this vital skill. 

Why Listening?

Whether your eleven-year-old continues to play video games when you’ve told them screen time is over, or your fourteen-year-old daydreams during the teacher’s instructions and does not know how to do their homework, establishing regular ways to practice listening skills can prepare your child/teen for family, school, and life success.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to listen can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities

●      a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

●      language and literacy fluency

Tomorrow, in the long term, working on effective listening skills with your child/teen

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self

●      builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Building Listening Skills

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen cultivate effective listening skills, a critical life skill. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about listening skills by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when they have difficulty focusing and listening so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working in collaboration with you to deepen your ability to communicate with one another

●      will grow their self-control (adding to their ability to focus attention) as well as empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider what challenges your child/teen in their ability to listen effectively. Your active listening to your child/teen will model the very kinds of skills you are attempting to build. You might start by asking:

●      “What does it mean to listen to someone truly?” 

●      “When do you feel listened to?  How do you sense  that the person is truly listening to you?” 

●      “How do you show that you are truly listening?”

●      “What are ways to convey that you are listening to someone?”

●      “How do you feel when someone doesn’t listen to you?”

Tip: During a family meal, explore the question: “What does it take to listen well?” Allow each family member to respond. Model listening by allowing each person to complete their thoughts without interruption or judgment.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Children and teens are learning to engage in healthy relationships through loving interactions, including listening effectively. Skill building takes intentional practice. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  can help you better understand what your child or teen is working hard to learn. 

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence. As they grow their social awareness (seeing from another person’s perspective), they may desire a new level of skill in listening for thoughts and feelings.

●      Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence and leadership abilities. Listening to peers becomes more important. Disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever with their growing social awareness. 

●      Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive to comments from you, teachers, and peers as they work to define their independent identity. This can challenge their listening skills as worries may cloud their focus on what you are trying to communicate.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it “all.” Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. Friends will be essential in their lives, and they may spend lots of time communicating through texts, gaming, and messaging. 

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

●      Model listening while interacting with your child/teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.  Listening to your child/teen will build connection and cooperation.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child/teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “How am I demonstrating that I’m listening? What am I doing that I want my child/teen to do?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child/teen says, see if you can identify the unspoken thoughts and feelings behind the content.

●      Children/Teens still need their parent’s attention to thrive. So, why not build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child/teen has to tell you? Turn your phone off. Set aside the chores. Set a timer if you need to. When your child feels seen and heard, they will be better able to listen to others.  Even five minutes of your undivided attention goes a long way in helping your child/teen feel seen and connected to you.

●      Learn listening strategies together by trying them out.

o   Get curious. Don’t stop asking questions when you get one-word answers. Your child/teen must know that you will relentlessly work to get information from them. It is essential that your child/teen knows that they cannot just outwait you. So when you ask, “How was your day?” and your child/teen says, “Fine,” don’t stop. Try, “Say more -- what was fine about it?” or “What was difficult about today?” or “What went well?” or “Let’s start at the beginning,” or “What made you laugh today?” Don’t give up!

o   Find opportunities to share. Model what it is like to share about your day. If your child/teen asks you how your day was, do not respond with a superficial or one-word answer. Engage them about a conflict you had or a challenge you faced. See if they can help offer suggestions. 

o   Actively listen. Try out active listening, in which one person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.

o   Paraphrase. Try paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm that you have heard them. You might start, “I heard you say that…”

o   Seek clarification. Try out seeking clarification. Particularly if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Practice seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you were upset at school? What happened?”

o   Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. For example, your child/teen might say, “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new writing project. We get to write an essay on any topic we are interested in. I can’t wait.” Instead of responding with something like, “I remember when I was in school…,” which takes the focus away from your child/teen, you might say, “Sounds like you are excited about this project. That’s great! What thoughts have you had about what topic you will choose?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening requires practice. Your modeling will make a difference in your child’s/teen’s comfort with this communication style.^1

Tip: As your children/teens age, enticing them into meaningful conversations can be challenging. “Fine” might be all you get in response to “How was your day?” So, turn down the car radio. Hang around them without your phone. Offer plenty of chances to listen when they are ready to talk.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily conversations allow your child/teen to practice vital new skills if you seize those opportunities. Each time your child/teen works hard to practice essential listening skills, they grow vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a child’s or teen’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

●      Initially, your child or teen may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity and ask them to demonstrate listening. For example, you could say, “Show me a few different ways you can convey that you are listening as we talk about our day.”  

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you listened fully to your sister and didn’t interrupt her. That’s so helpful to her.”

●      Several activities require strong listening skills. Offer practice by engaging in these activities as a family.

o   Riddles. Riddles are fun ways to support listening skills. Take turns asking each other riddles that require active listening and engaged conversation.

o   Song lyrics/short clips. Take turns choosing a favorite song or short clip to listen to. As a family, discuss the lyrics or clip and what about the lyrics or clip that really moved everyone.

o   Twenty Questions. You probably remember playing some version of this game. It requires listening and deductive reasoning. One person thinks of something (an object, an animal, a person, etc.), and others ask yes/no questions to deduce what the person thinks about. However, they only have 20 questions before they run out. 

●      Read together. When you read stories together, you engage in a listening activity that can be deeply connecting for both of you. Be sure to involve your child/teen in selecting the book they want to read. 

Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you are developing your child’s/teen’s listening skills and allowing them to practice. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences[5] . Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to succeed and help them improve their listening skills. 

Actions

●      Ask key questions to see how your child’s/teen’s listening is going. You can ask questions like: 

o   “I notice that you are having difficulty listening to me as I tell you about my day. What do you think is going on for you?”  

o   “What things might you need to do or say to yourself to help yourself listen?”

●      Learn about your child’s/teen’s development. Each new age will present different social challenges. Become informed regularly about what developmental milestones your child/teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience. 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for new and different listening strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your child/teen when challenging issues arise.

●      Engage in further practice. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.

●      If you are running into frequent challenges with listening, you could ask yourself a few questions:

o   Am I expecting something from my child/teen that they are developmentally able to do? Having expectations that align with your child’s/teen’s developmental ability can be incredibly frustrating for you and your child/teen.

o   Have I connected with my child/teen today on their level (read a book with them, played a game, engaged in conversation of their choice and interest)? A child/teen who is heard is a far more cooperative child/teen. 

●      When your child/teen is not listening, it can help to come to their eye level, engage in eye contact, use a gentle touch, and speak calmly. If your child/teen is distracted, shouting across the house is less likely to get their attention and more likely to escalate volume, repeated asks, and frustration for you and your child/teen.

●      Remember that your child/teen often wants you to listen without offering advice, suggestions, or solutions. When your child/teen comes to you to talk, you may want to ask, “Do you want me just to listen, or are you seeking advice?”  If they just want you to listen, don’t try to problem-solve, or they may not come to you the next time they want to talk.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your child/teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for listening. Third, if you feel your child/teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Trap: When your child or teen does not listen to you or focuses elsewhere, you might be tempted to scold them, but be sure to give them additional chances. Everyone loses their focus sometimes. Seek clarification on what they heard and did not hear, and then review what you said again to help them refocus their attention.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors impact your child’s/teen’s behavior differently.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your child/teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is vital in promoting more of it. For example, “You...