Building on “Why We Should Listen”, this is the first tool for tuning your listening in an intentional way, by clearing your head of mental models that can cloud your attention.

When I was studying zen meditation at Kouun-ji Temple (the “ji” actually means temple, so this is like saying “Fedex Express”, but it sounds weird without it) my teacher, Yoshitomi-san, would tell me stories about the visiting classes of kindergarteners that would come to visit on field trip. I loved that in Japan, kindergartens would visit a temple and learn about zen, instead of the standard maple syrup field trips we would do in Canada. Though I do love maple syrup.

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When explaining meditation to the little kids, he would talk about thoughts creeping in to your head, like an itch, or like a fly landing on your face. Suddenly all you can think about is the itch. You want to scratch it so badly, that it pulls you away from what you were doing, that it takes your whole attention.

I think trying to listen can be like that.

I know I asked you about what you’re doing, but now that you’re telling me, I realized I’m not sure what I’m making for the kids for dinner tonight. And I forgot to send that email. And I actually only wanted to talk to you because I’m hoping you could introduce me to that friend of yours who works at Apple. And I can’t believe how bad I look today. Didn’t I just get a haircut? How is my hair already sticking out again?

There are a lot of things that get in the way of connecting with another human through conversation, and quite a lot of them play out in our own heads. Being conscious of those things can help us to “show up” in an intentional way.

What gets in the way

I’ve simplified this down to “what gets in the way.” Jeff Hawkins, in his 2004 book On Intelligence, wrote a lot about how our brains are actually outputting a huge amount of information as we try to perceive the world around us. We are constantly comparing, remembering and projecting as we look and listen, and sometimes more than we are directly perceiving.

In this (super scientific) diagram, notice that while we’re speaking, there is the direct exchange of information in terms of what I’m saying, what I hear, and what I see, but there is a heap of possibly unrelated and possibly counterproductive activity happening in my head at the same time.

My mind is more pre-occupied with who I think you are, who I think you think I am, the impression I want to make, what I imagine you’re going to say and what I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear than it is with what you’re actually saying, and why.

Nervousness, self-consciousness, social position, bias, prejudice, assumptions all play into this model, especially in settings where playing a certain role, achieving a certain outcome or making a certain impression are seen as important.

Cultivating a listening practice means reflecting on how you show up in a conversation, and identifying the barriers and baggage you carry into each interaction.

Do you want to be sure you’re seen in a particular way? Are you conscious of assumptions that others may hold about you? Do you have an expectation of how an interaction is going to go before it even begins? Is it based on what the other person is doing, what you think they might do, or what “others like them” have done in the past?

Our brains are pattern-recognition machines. We can’t help but build models of the world to make it easier to navigate in the future. But when we’re speaking more to our mental models than we are to other people, we become incapable of connecting and learning.

Whether you are part of a group, in front of a group, one-on-one, or trying to capture a conversation in notes, becoming aware of your mental “outputs” can help you tune in to start focusing on the “inputs”

As a listener, then, I want to peel away is the following:

* Who am I listening to, and what are my assumptions about that person, and what they would say?

* What are they talking about, and what do I think I know about that topic?

* How do I think others see my contribution to this topic or conversation?

* What do I think is “supposed to happen” in this conversation?

You can add many more questions to this list, but, in essence, what you want to surface in your awareness are your own expectations and projections of an interaction, so you can let go of them in order to dedicate more cognitive energy to what is actually being said.

If you are facilitating a group, you might be worried that what is being said will mess with your plan, or that the group might turn on you at any moment. If you are in conversation with a colleague, you might be waiting to hear if they finally “get” what you’ve been trying to tell them. If you are a graphic recorder, you might be worried if you’re doing a good job of capturing or if people will judge you.

In your next interaction, try to be conscious of the mental models you bring in, and try to consciously let them go. While you are listening, if something doesn’t completely make sense to you, resist the urge to fill in the blanks with what you guess they mean, and ask. Try to fully explore what you’re hearing, with no expectation.

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