After I recorded this podcast, I started promoting it on Instagram and an IG follower left this comment.

I started Googling to see if I could track down more information about this, and it should come as no surprise by now that my search led me right back to Sheila Gregoire’s Bare Marriage website, where her readers had led her to this same information.

The relational dynamics created in Love & Respect are the exact same dynamics on which BDSM - or Bondage/ Sado-Masochism - relationships are built. What is exceptionally problematic about this is that these are the same relational dynamics that are constantly promoted in churches, which is why it literally should come as no surprise when sexual assault runs rampant in churches.

Churches that promote these teachings and these relational dynamics are literally grooming women for sexual assault!

Although there can be a healthy place in relationships for certain elements of BDSM, one of the most fundamental principles is that of informed consent. Women who are "groomed" into these relationships are denied the aspect of consent. This also means they are unlikely to create the type of emotionally fulfilling and satisfying relationships that can actually make it all the way to “till death do us part”.

For many, the dynamics created by Love & Respect will simply result in a slow eating away of the cultural foundations that help hold marriages together. Perhaps the biggest of those being the reinforcement that organized religion provides. Following these dynamics will almost always result in the deep dissatisfaction of women. In a culture where women are free to leave their marriages, these dynamics will almost inevitably lead to divorce - even if it actually takes many years to get there.

Although women are often blamed for leaving unhappy marriages, especially where there is no outright or visible abuse, emotional neglect is also a form of abuse. Churches that promote either the book or the underlying teachings of Love & Respect are signing off on the “slow rot” to a marriage that is emotional neglect. The bar for men is set way too low in too many churches, which only demands that - at best - a man simply not physically or outwardly abuse his wife.

Any man that can meet that bar is generally considered to be a “good husband” and women who leave men like that are generally painted as selfish shrews. Women have needs that are just as great as those of men. Books like L&R focus solely on the needs of men while completely diminishing and ignoring the very real needs of women. This also doesn’t just happen in marriages. Entire churches now exist largely to cater to the needs of men, while completely diminishing and denying both the real needs of women as well as the valuable gifts that women bring to the table.

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