Ok so it’s still February, and yes… I’m still talking about love.

But today I’m getting into the unsexy part of love. The part that doesn’t make those cute posts, but it’s the reason relationships actually last.

And that’s honesty.

Not the internet version of honesty where everybody’s “so real” online, then in real life they can’t communicate without disappearing for three days.

Honesty, please. I’m not signing up to be in love and in a mystery series at the same time.

Because when something feels off, I feel it. It’s exhausting. I start replaying conversations in my head like, “Wait… what was that?” And now I’m spending my peace trying to decode somebody.

I’m not doing that anymore. And I’m saying it out loud because I know I’m not the only one.

Let me put it like this. I’ve learned you can try to keep things from your partner, but your body is going to tell on you eventually.

Your tone changes. Your patience gets weird. You start moving different in little ways. Half the time you don’t even realize it, but your nervous system is not built to hold secrets calmly.

So even if you never “get caught,” the relationship still pays for it.

Because now you’re not fully present. You’re managing and editing yourself and trying to control what gets seen.

And that kind of life… is tiring.

Real talk, some people don’t hide because they’re shady. They hide because they’re scared the truth is going to turn into a whole situation.

Withholding truth chips away at the basics.

It throws off safety, because your partner can feel something’s not adding up.

It disrupts closeness. If part of you is missing, the connection feels incomplete.

It also impacts intimacy. Emotional and physical. When my heart is guarded, my body stays guarded with it. And come on… that guarded energy will have you giving pecks like you’re greeting your aunt at a family reunion.

And then the arguments start over little stuff, but it’s not little. It’s the tension underneath everything that never gets addressed.

Let me be careful how I say this, because I’m not here to shame anybody, and I’ve had to check myself too.

A lot of us learned early that being honest wasn’t safe.

For some of us, telling the truth came with consequences. Getting punished, laughed at, ignored, or having it thrown back in your face.

So you start protecting yourself by keeping certain parts of you off-limits.

And at the time, that might’ve helped you get by.

But here’s the issue: you can’t keep that rule and still expect deep love.

The love you want needs access to the real you.

I know most of us want to be loved for who we really are.

But a lot of times we show up as who we think we need to be to keep somebody.

So yeah, you can be getting affection, but it still doesn’t land all the way… because deep down you know they’re loving a filtered version.

And that’s how you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

I don’t care how smooth somebody thinks they are, patterns show up.

I’ve seen how you can tell when something’s being held back without anybody saying a word. The mood shifts, the energy changes, and now it feels like you’re reading the room instead of enjoying the person.

And a lot of women especially have been reading rooms for safety their whole lives. So when a woman says, “Something feels off,” I don’t like when people act like she’s crazy. She’s noticing what isn’t being said.

Because most of us aren’t looking for a case to crack. We just want things to feel easy.

Now radical honesty does not mean I say everything with no filter and call it “being real.”

That’s not honest. That’s just messy.

Radical honesty is telling the truth with care.

It’s being clear, not mean.

It’s not using “truth” like a weapon, and it’s not dumping guilt on someone and calling it communication.

It’s more like, “I respect you, so I’m going to be straight with you. And I’m going to say it in a way you can actually hear.”

And hiding can be as simple as leaving out details and calling it peace.

Sometimes it looks like this:

You pretend you don’t care, when you care a lot.

You act like you’re fine, but you’re holding resentment.

You don’t say what you need, then you get irritated that they’re not meeting needs they don’t even know about.

You call it “avoiding conflict,” but really it’s avoiding truth.

I think one of the biggest things we hide is how we actually feel.

This is one of the best things I’ve learned.

If you don’t schedule honesty, life will schedule an argument.

So I’m a big fan of a weekly check-in. Same time and day if you can. Keep it simple and short. Like 30 minutes.

Phones down.

The goal is not to win, it’s to understand.

Here’s a simple format:

First, one appreciation.

Something specific. Nothing long.

“One thing I appreciated about you this week was…”

Then the honest part.

Each person gets time to speak without being interrupted.

Use prompts like:

“Something I’ve been holding in is…”

“Something I didn’t know how to say is…”

“Something I need more of is…”

“A boundary I need to honor is…”

“A story I made up in my head is…”

Then close with:

“What I need after sharing this is…”

“What I can do better is…”

That’s it. No speeches. No courtroom. No drama.

And yes, it might feel awkward at first, especially if you grew up in a home where honesty wasn’t safe. Your body might act like you’re about to go to war.

But with the right person, the nerves settle down and it starts to feel freeing, because you can be real without tryna hold on.

This is where love becomes real.

When you stop holding it in and just say it, you’ll find out real quick which direction it’s going to go.

They meet you with care, and you finally get to breathe again.

Or they can’t meet you there, and that hurts, but it also gives you clarity.

Either way, you stop living in confusion.

And one more thing: openness isn’t only about the messy secrets.

It’s not always some huge confession. Sometimes it’s the simple, heartfelt truth, like:

“I miss you.”

“I’ve been feeling disconnected.”

“I’ve been scared to bring this up.”

“I need reassurance.”

“I need more effort.”

“I need to feel like you actually like me.”

That kind of honesty can stop the slow fade before it becomes the new normal.

So yeah. Love is beautiful. But love is not supposed to feel confusing all the time.

If I want something solid, I’ve got to make truth normal in my relationship. And I’m saying that for me first.

Love is supposed to feel steady, not stressful. And commitment shouldn’t require constant decoding.

So let’s keep it simple.

Honesty, please. I’m not signing up to be in love and in a mystery series at the same time.

If this resonates, put the check-in on the calendar. Start light, be nice to each other, and let consistency do the work.

And if you’re the one avoiding the difficult conversations, I’m not mad at you. I’m saying it plainly because I’ve learned it the hard way too: love can’t grow where truth can’t breathe.

Real love can handle reality.

And if you’re like me and you’re done playing detective in your own relationship… I made a song for that. It’s called No Question Mark. It’s basically the soundtrack for grown love. No back-and-forth, no blurry vibes, just truth.

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