Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Gender Exploration, published by sapphire on January 14, 2024 on LessWrong.

The rationalist community has been discussing whether 'AGP males' should try hormones or not. Eneaz Brodsky says Transitioning Is Harmful To Most AGP Males. Ozy has a thoughtful, but paywalled, reply. Regardless of the benefits of transitioning you would think the main downside would be the costs incurred if you decide to detransition1. Given that I have actually detransitioned, and didn't find it very difficult or costly, I feel like I should share my experiences.

Trying hormones, even for years, wasn't very scary for me. Given the subject matter I am not going to try to avoid TMI and in fact will be very candid even if the subject is more than a bit embarrassing.

I spent about three years on estrogen, during most of that period I identified as female and used she/her pronouns. I stopped estrogen for a few reason. Unlike hormones bottom surgery does feel quite risky to me. Even if they are fully committed to living as a woman, transgirls definitely commonly have problems with orgasms and maintaining vagina depth post surgery. Since I didn't want bottom surgery it was a serious problem that my dick eventually stopped functioning very well.

Even masturbation stopped being as fun. I tried using topical testosterone but it didn't help enough in doses consistent with transfemme HRT goals.

Estrogen also sadly made my Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety worse. Estrogen had a lot of advantages. I was much more in tune with emotions and more interested in other people. It was very nice to have an easier time connecting. I was able to cry. But I am hoping I can keep some of the gains despite stopping estrogen. For example I have been off estrogen for awhile but am still able to cry.

Of course I could still identify as a girl and use she/her despite being off estrogen. But when I think of my personal gender I think about what I want to express and which gender mythos appeal to me. There is definitely a heroic beauty to being a boy or a man; bravery and strength in service of those who need help. It feels inspiring to cultivate those virtues. So I am trying out being a boy again.

People seem quite worried about long term costs to their body so lets see how I look these days:

Here is a link to some uhhh sluttier pics of me if you want to see my body in more detail. In one of these I am fully naked.

Here is a picture of me right before starting estrogen:

Here is an older pic of normal cisboy me:

I think I look great. Im 32 years old and look really cute. Obviously pre-E I was a lot more muscular but that is fixable if I want to get my muscles back. I strongly prefer how my face looks these days, in fact I'd prefer an even more femme face despite presenting male. I like how femme guys look and its not exactly unusual for women to love femme dudes. Here is an especially beautiful anime boy for flavor.

Now it is true that most men don't really want to look like cute anime characters. Though I am actually unsure about the percentages given the distribution of avatars chosen by male gamers. But I cannot imagine many men who considered transitioning would mind looking a little fruity. Eneaz certainly doesn't present himself like a lumberjack.

The elephant in the room is that I have a pair of breasts. They definitely show through a t-shirt. My experience if that, if you are presenting masc and not in a very queer space, people mostly don't even notice. Brain's do a lot of work to make things seem coherent. But even if people notice I don't care. I certainly don't mind if someone thinks im a transgirl boy-modding or a transman who hasn't had top surgery. If I want to get rid of my breasts I can always get top surgery.

Top surgery scars are kind of cool. And I really cannot think of much less masculi...