Trust is an essential foundation for healthy relationships. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your eleven-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and understand how to promote trust in your child/teen.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s/teen’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a normal part of child development. Children/Teens can begin to lie and understand deception as early as preschool to cover up actions that they know are against the rules. A complete understanding of lying and its consequences continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence as part of their cognitive and moral development.

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of understanding and making predictions about others’ thoughts and feelings. As they do, they also may seek to hide the truth, particularly if they fear harsh judgment from respected adults or peers. They are also testing boundaries and taking more risks socially and academically. Their risk-taking can often lead to mistakes, misbehaviors, or even failure. 

Often, lies relate to challenges with impulse control. For example, an eleven-year-old might think, “I wish I had more friends and was popular. If I tell those kids I have the most expensive gaming system, they may think I’m cool and invite me to hang out with them.” Though younger children cannot distinguish between the subtleties of deception, those eleven and older can understand the differences between honest mistakes, guesses, exaggerations, sarcasm, and irony.

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children/teens who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child/teen learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old lying about eating the lunch you packed them for school, your twelve-year-old lying about failing a test, or your fourteen-year-old telling you a friend’s parents are home supervising them when they aren’t, your child’s/teen’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies. 

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being for a parent and teen

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

●      builds skills in self-control

●      develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Child/Teen About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your child/teen about honesty. It also builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child/teen thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth

●      can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship

●      can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)

●      will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Ask questions and listen carefully to your child’s/teen’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include: 

○      “Who do you trust and why?” 

○      “What’s important to you about honesty?”

○      “Have you ever been lied to? How did it feel?”

○      “When are you tempted to lie?”

○      “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Tip: Children/Teens don’t want to be in the spotlight, and questions can feel like an interrogation. So, look for comfortable windows of opportunity to introduce the questions. For example, is your child/teen telling you about a friend who lied to her parents? Or are you watching someone lie on a reality television show together? Those are ideal moments to move into these kinds of conversations.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults. It’s no wonder children/teens have difficulties figuring out when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their child/teen.^1^

●      Eleven-year-olds can be more impulsive, so they may speak before thinking through what they will say. Lies might be blurted out with little thought, either trying to impress friends and fit in or attempting to cover up mistakes with parents. They can be defensive about their mistakes and more sensitive. They desire testing limits and may do so more at home than in school.

●      Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence in sharing ideas and opinions with peers and adults. They need adults to listen well and provide support as they consider serious issues such as drugs or alcohol. Lying can occur at this point about higher risk issues, so building trust with this age group is key.

●      Thirteen-year-olds are very sensitive to peer pressure and may exert it on others. Lying can enter discussions about peers with other friends. They may experience more moodiness as they attempt to establish greater independence.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act like they “know it all” and could lie to cover up that they do not. They are searching for more independence and may be distancing themselves from their parents more. But, they tend to be more willing to admit mistakes and more invested in understanding the bigger world.

In addition to understanding the developmental milestones your child/teen is going through, it can also be helpful to consider where they are challenged with honesty. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my child/teen lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your child/teen learn.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Actions 

●      Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you are thinking when expressing how you feel since this is an area where adults tend not to share their honest feelings fully. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then share what the truth for you is. This shows your child/teen the contrast and makes your own internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

●      Teach your child/teen to take a breath before answering a question. This will give your child/teen a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them the opportunity to share a more honest response.

●      Ask the right questions to help your child/teen succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”

●      Catch your child/teen telling you the truth, particularly when difficult for them. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”

●      Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your child/teen understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about whose house they are going to today, you will not trust them about where they are going when they are older. 

●      Take time to examine how you feel when your child/teen lies. Many parents value honesty and may worry that lies in childhood will equate to dishonest characteristics in their child/teen. While it is important to teach honesty, it is essential to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for a child/teen to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your child/teen do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard. 

●      Learn about moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in your children/teens, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”^2^ These three stages can help you understand and empathize with your child’s/teen’s point of view and help you set goals for guiding them forward. 

○      Selfish

■      Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children/teens to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.

■      In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a child/teen remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

○      Social 

■      In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established. Awareness of others surrounding the individual and their impact on others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt. 

■      Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth and from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting oneself or others.

○      Principled 

■      Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the following actions are rare, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with children/teens.

■      As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. 

●      Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Children/Teens are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your child/teen breaks a rule, consider the question: “What positive behavior can I teach my child/teen to replace what I’ve told them not to do?”

●      The following simple process, interactive modeling, can be used by teachers to become a powerful teaching tool for parents.^3^ 

○      Say what you will model and why.

○      Model the behavior. 

○      Ask your child/teen what they noticed.

○      Invite your child/teen to model. 

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling. 

○      Practice together.

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

○      Share your family values and need for trust. 

●      At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in a safety or other important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Trap: Children/Teens who fear punishment when misbehaving are prone to lie to cover up their mistakes. Part of your modeling as parents requires learning more about how to teach responsibility and self-discipline through alternative strategies. Trap: Children/Teens who are left alone frequently and whose needs are neglected often turn to lying to find attention, take unhealthy risks, and meet their needs in ways that can be self-destructive and potentially destructive to others.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be cooperatively working together or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is more than just nice. It’s necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time they perform the new action.

Actions

●      Use “I’d love to hear…” statements. You may want to offer your child/teen practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice misbehavior, before your child/teen can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “I imagine that part of you wants to lie right now, so I’d love to hear how you take responsibility for this so we can both learn.”

●      Follow up when your child/teen makes mistakes, helping them repair harm. If they know there are action steps they can take to make things better after a poor choice, they are far less likely to feel the need to lie. 

●      Find small opportunities to help your child/teen mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child/teen about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child/teen to supply answers. Support and guide them in following through on selecting one and doing it. Your follow-through will help your child/teen follow through while internalizing a critical lesson.

●      Recognize effort. Frequently, children/teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice…” like, “I notice you told me you broke the plate even though you were worried about how I would react—I appreciate your honesty!”

●      Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. If your child/teen lies about taking an extra piece of candy, talk about it and, better yet, show the logical consequences. For example, if they lie about taking a piece of candy, the logical consequence could be that they do not get any more sugary treats for the day. 

●      Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.

●      Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a child/teen is tempted to lie. Just before they do, you may whisper in their ear, “Remember to tell the truth even when you make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

Tip: The best way to turn around misbehavior is to recognize when and how your child/teen makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. They need to learn what to do and what not to...