Trust is a necessary foundation for every healthy relationship. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your eight-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship and learn how to promote trust in your child.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a typical part of a child’s development. Experimenting with lying is how they come to understand their perspective versus others’ and also how they test boundaries. Children ages five to ten are learning about the rules of school and family life. For your child to understand rules, they need to test them and sometimes break them. 

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether your five-year-old lies about eating their dinner when you can clearly see they have been stashing peas in their napkin, your seven-year-old telling their teacher they did their homework but left it at home when they didn’t, or your ten-year-old telling a friend they dance ballet when they’ve never tried it, your child’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies.

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being for a parent and child

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

●      builds skills in self-control

●      develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Child About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your child honesty and builds important skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your child thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth

●      can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship

●      can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)

●      will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Ask questions and listen carefully to your child’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include:

○      “Who do you trust and why?” 

○      “What’s important to you about honesty?”

○      “When are you tempted to lie?”

○      “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Step 2. Teach New Skills

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults, so it’s no wonder children have difficulties figuring out when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones[4] related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their children.^1^

●      Five-year-olds have vivid imaginations and can construct elaborate play themes. Because they are working hard to understand the rules of school, consistent rules and routines are necessary to help them feel successful. They are also working hard to control impulses and will certainly only sometimes be able to self-manage. When they do break the rules, they might lie to cover up and avoid the disappointment of teachers and parents. But, their lies are easy to spot since they are temporary and don’t hold up with multiple questions.

●      Six-year-olds can be ambitious and thrive on encouragement. They can be highly competitive with peers, and that tendency can lead them to dishonesty. They are attempting to internalize their own social rules and control impulses.

●      Seven-year-olds need consistency and may worry more when chaotic schedules and routines change. They require reassurance from adults. They can become extremely loyal to one friend or claim a “best friend.” They may be more prone to misbehave when tired, hungry, or at the end of a long school day and then may be tempted to cover it up with a lie.

●      Eight-year-olds’ interest and investment in friendships and peer approval elevate and become as important as the teacher’s approval. So, they may spread rumors behind another’s back, lie, or exaggerate their interests and skills to impress peers. They are more resilient when they make mistakes and less likely to lie about them. 

●      Nine-year-olds can be highly competitive and critical of themselves and others. They may worry about who is in the “in” and “out” crowds and where they fit in friendship groups. They may tend to exclude others to feel included in a group and may lie to manipulate their social status. 

●      Ten-year-olds have an increased social awareness and are trying to figure out the thoughts and feelings of others. There is much more of a give-and-take in friendships with listening, talking, and compromising. With their rising social awareness also comes a newfound worry about what peers think of them (for example, “He’s staring at me. I think he doesn’t like me.”). They tend to be able to work through conflicts and resolve fairness issues with friends more rapidly. They are less likely to lie, and if they do, they’ll immediately feel guilty. 

In addition to understanding your child's developmental milestones, it can also be helpful to consider where your child is challenged honestly. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my child lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your child learn.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

Actions

●      Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you think when you say how you feel. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then what the truth is for you. This shows your child the contrast and makes your internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

●      Teach your child to take a breath before answering a question. This will give your child a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them to share a more honest response.

●      Ask the right questions to help your child succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”

●      Catch your child telling you the truth, particularly when difficult for them. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”

●      Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your child understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about whether they got their homework done, you may not trust them about where they are going when they are older. 

●      Take time to examine how you feel when your child lies. Many parents highly value honesty and may worry that lies in childhood will equate to a dishonest characteristic in their child. While it is important to teach honesty, it is essential also to remember that it is developmentally appropriate for children to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your child do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard. 

●      Learn about your child’s moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in children, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”^2^ These three stages can help you understand and empathize with your child’s point of view and also help you set goals for guiding them forward.

○      Selfish 

■      Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.

■      In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a person remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

○      Social  

■      In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes precedence. A core sense of responsibility is established. Awareness of others surrounding the individual and their impact on others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt.

■      Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth, from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting self or others.

○      Principled

■      Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the actions that follow are rare, they are certainly a level to pursue and promote with children.

■      As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. 

Tip: If your child is between ages five and eight, they are likely in the selfish stage of moral development. If your child is nine or ten, reflect on whether they remain in the selfish stage or have begun moving on to the social phase. 

●      Learn to detect lying with others. Just as children learn rules tend to enforce them with their peers, learning about why and how others lie can help children learn about their lying. Exploring behavior in someone else can help your child become more sensitive and aware of what lying looks and feels like when on the receiving end. 

●      Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Children are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your child breaks a rule, consider the question, “What positive behavior can I teach my child to replace what I’ve told them not to do?”

●      Use the following simple process called Interactive Modeling. Interacting Modeling can become a powerful teaching tool for parents.^3^

○      Say what you will model and why.

○      Model the behavior. 

○      Ask your child what they noticed.

○      Invite your child to model.

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling.

○      Practice together.

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

○      Share your family values and need for trust. 

●      At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in an important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Trap: Children who fear punishment when misbehaving are prone to lie to cover up their mistakes. Part of modeling as parents requires learning more about how to teach responsibility and self-discipline through alternative strategies.Tip: Play the game Two Truths and a Lie, where a person offers three simple statements, one of which is a lie, to see if the other can guess which one is false. Learn first together about body language signals that reveal a lie. Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively working together, or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is not only nice; children must internalize new skills. That practice will help make vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs the new action.

Actions

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. You may want to offer your child practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice a misbehavior, before your child can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “Show how you can tell me about a mistake you made. Mistakes are part of learning.” 

●      Follow up when your child makes mistakes to help them repair harm. If they know there are action steps they can take to make things better after a poor choice, they are far less likely to feel the need to lie. 

●      Find small opportunities to help your child mend relationships. Siblings offer a regular chance to practice this! If there’s fighting, talk to your child about how they feel first. When you’ve identified that they had a role in causing harm, brainstorm together how they might make their sibling feel better. You might ask, “What could you do?” Allow your child to supply answers; you may be surprised at how many options they generate. Support and guide them in following through on selecting one and doing it. Your follow-through will help your child follow through while internalizing a critical lesson.

●      Recognize effort. Frequently, children get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” like, “I notice how you told me when you broke the vase. I appreciate your honesty!”

●      Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. If your child lies about taking an extra piece of candy, talk about it and, better yet, show the logical consequences to them. For example, if they lie about taking candy, they might not get any more sugary treats for the rest of the day. 

●      Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.

●      Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a child is tempted to lie. Before they do, you may whisper in your child’s ear, “Remember, we tell the truth even when we make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

Tip: The best way to turn around misbehavior that may be taking place is by recognizing when and how your child makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. Children need to learn what to do...