Malachi’s Divine Dung-Fest: When God Calls You a Poop Face and Means It

This week, we dive headfirst into Malachi Chapter 2, where God’s big message to the priests boils down to: You’re all unworthy, you give me crappy sacrifices, and also—poop face. No, really. The Almighty threatens to smear dung on their faces because apparently that’s the ancient Hebrew equivalent of “bless your heart.” From hypocritical Levite nostalgia to yet another round of “why are you marrying foreign women” (hi, Moses and David—we see you), the contradictions are flowing faster than the burnt offerings.

Our hosts tear into God’s double standards, the baffling obsession with punishing descendants for crimes they didn’t commit, and the irony of a deity who gets “weary” when mortals complain about injustice. There’s also a side rant about eulogies, Modest Mouse concerts, and why church in America is basically spiritual checkbox culture instead of, you know, actual learning.

By the end, it’s clear: Malachi might be the last prophet in the Old Testament, but the absurdity is alive and kicking. Join the godless peanut gallery as we question, mock, and occasionally gag-laugh our way through scripture’s most unhinged closing act.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• God threatens to smear actual dung on the priests—holy crap, literally
• Levite nostalgia: selective history and a side of hypocrisy
• The endless “stop marrying foreign women” sermon (spoiler: the Bible’s own heroes did it)
• Double standards so blatant they could run for office
• Why punishing descendants makes zero moral sense today (and didn’t really back then)
• God’s fragile feelings when humans ask about justice
• Ancient Israelite marriage counseling: “Don’t cheat, but we’ll kill your wife if she does”

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

"You are a doo doo brain. You are a poo face. And yes—that’s straight from the Bible."