Malachi Wrap-Up & Contradictions: Ezra’s Ghostwriter Gig, Divorce Drama, and God’s Eternal Grudge

📝 Episode Summary:

Five years, countless smitings, and one accidental Rickroll later, we’ve officially finished the Old Testament—and we’re sending Malachi off with a bang (and a Bon Jovi cameo). In this wrap-up special, the hosts dig into the so-called “minor prophet” who might not even be real—spoiler: Malachi probably isn’t a name at all, just a title meaning my messenger. Some traditions even say it was Ezra moonlighting under a pseudonym, which explains the constant ranting about corrupt priests and men ditching their Jewish wives for “dirty foreign pagans.” Nothing like ending the OT with a combo of slut-shaming, tithe-shaking, and theological identity theft.

The fun doesn’t stop there. We roll straight into a pop quiz (Discord cheats included), where the “right” answers are as fuzzy as God’s love for Jacob over Esau. Then it’s contradiction-palooza: does God hate divorce or just interfaith hookups? Does He curse the earth or pinky-promise never again? Is slavery totally fine—or a sin He forgot to enforce until Leviticus had a rewrite? And the kicker: does God get tired, or does He just “rest dramatically” on the seventh day? By the end, Yahweh looks less like a deity and more like Trump with smiting powers—grumpy, self-contradictory, and perpetually surrounded by yes-men.

If you thought Malachi was a neat bow on the OT, think again—it’s more like duct tape on a dumpster fire. But hey, we survived it, and next up: extracurriculars like Maccabees and Dead Sea Scroll weirdness before diving face-first into Matthew.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• Malachi = Ezra? Prophet, priest, or just “Steve”?
• God hates divorce… but only when it messes up the family tree.
• The only time Yahweh says “test me”—and it’s about tithes.
• Priestly corruption, pagan wives, and holy gaslighting.
• Contradictions galore: slavery, curses, divine temper tantrums.
• Yahweh vs. Trump: spot the difference (hint: there isn’t one).
• OT finale plans: Maccabees, Apocrypha, and extracurricular blasphemy.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Always go with the penis. Penis is always the answer. Eat a dick. Always eat a dick.”