I caught an interesting piece from CBC news recently, which described a new-ish trend amongst young women (and men) who have chosen to remain celibate and, in many cases, forgo dating and that whole hot mess of online match-ups. It’s called “boysober” which I thought was pretty darned clever so I’ve adapted it to suit what I hear from my own demographic, i.e. not 20s and 30s anymore. It’s more than simply celibacy; it’s about taking time away from the relationship struggle to focus on yourself and what, rather than who, makes you happy.

Increasingly we’re hearing about more of our friends taking alternative paths to the traditional husband/wife/kid/home/jobs. I’m not getting into the pros and cons of thruples in this post but by all means, keep me updated. I’m talking about the move to LAT, living apart together. I recall a fairly high-profile couple I knew in the 70s who were married but maintained separate homes. At the time it was a unique arrangement but according to some initial research, there’s been a jump in the frequency of LAT over the past decade. Some say it reinforces independence and takes off the pressure to conform to traditional roles.

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During one of these conversations, a friend recalled a very old clip of Carol Burnett, which hugely predates the LAT acronym and the frequency of this trend. Carol was definitely on to something when she said her next husband would have to live next door. This idea of being together, but not entirely, is catching on in various permutations. We all know couples who have their own bedrooms, usually prompted by snoring, wild variations in nighttime temperatures, shift work or simply sleep preferences. Having a permanent, separate bedroom is on the upswing, from about 15% of Canadians in the early 2000s, to a possible 40% today. Naturally there’s a new term for this as well: “sleep divorce”. Many who have made the move say it’s improved their relationship because better sleep means less crankiness in the morning and less conflict overall.

Lucy and Ricky had twin beds in the old TV show, separated by a shelved nightstand with its kitschy statuettes. That, however, was not a social trend but rather a mandatory requirement of TV shows of the 50s and 60s, enforced by Hollywood’s Motion Picture Production Code. Who knows what they kept in those drawers. I particularly like the gendered ballet dancers above the beds; reminds you where you belong, I suppose.

It’s not just sleeping arrangements that are evolving. Many couples have shaken loose the shackles of travelling strictly together, recognizing that not everyone shares the same travel values or destination preferences. For many, making travel arrangements that attempt to address both sets of priorities means making compromises that satisfy neither.

Men seem to “re-pair” much faster after a death or breakup and more and more women are vowing to remain unpaired and realizing they actually prefer it to the lifestyle they were raised to pursue. Like the cartoon snowball rolling downhill, it’s picking up speed, picking up mittens and scarves and people as it gets bigger and bigger. And we’re not even surprised to see it whiz past.

One friend, married for 22 years, watched her marriage implode thanks to conflict over gender roles, child-rearing responsibilities, career conflicts and frequent geographic moves. At the time it was the classic, acrimonious split from which many people never recover. In her case, however, she and her ex have forged an unusual partnership whereby he spends two weeks every summer and five months (!) every winter, living in a cottage in her yard, spending time with their children and being a welcome part of the household, without any messy relationship. She says they are best friends now and while a new coupling for either party would likely not damage the friendship, the co-habiting arrangement would likely end.

Like many women at this semi-retired stage of life, she says she’s happier than she’s ever been, has found comfort and joy in friendships with women, something she came to later in life. While she doesn’t deny the potential for another one on one relationship, she can’t see herself going back to the compromises and concessions she shed. Some relationships require more of that effort than others but I would bet good money, and lots of it, that there isn’t a relationship out there where some compromise isn’t required. Ideally it’s equally distributed. Realistically it’s not.

And while many women, and some men, are entirely content with their single status, others are forking over significant dollars to learn how to find a happy relationship. A young woman in Colorado claims to have cracked the code on how to make a woman “irresistible” and how to use that superpower to attract the perfect mate. Part of her program includes large gatherings of women where personal storytelling and sharing past experiences with relationships is de rigeur. Each session leads to an invitation for more sessions and so on. Ironically, it appears that women become hooked on the energy of sharing their stories with other women so even though the ultimate goal is to find that forever man, the journey happens on the coattails of female energy.

Two songs and two different perspectives come to mind. First, we’ve come a long way since Etta James told us she’d rather go blind than see her man walk away. Performed here by the outrageously powerful Beth Hart.

On the other hand, another favourite anthem, Unstoppable.

The good news is, we all have options on how to pursue fulfillment.

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