Election results are in for ABC’s annual “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest” performance, and they’ve chosen... Mariah Carey! I! love! this! tradition! Mariah Carey, living, breathing woman with less luster and enthusiasm than a dysfunctional animatronic replica of herself. Whose song we’ve loved so dear that we’ve had it on repeat for twenty years and who didn’t bother to practice when we asked her to sing it.