I know, I know: my idea of marriage will be problematic for people who are pro-marriage and also problematic for people who are against “traditional marriage.” But marriage for me is neither superfluous nor a necessity. As a Black American Muslim Woman, marriage has always been THEE focus. As a 9 yr old girl I can remember the conversations around marriage being a necessity to being a “good Muslim Woman.” That was the foundation upon which I built my expectation of what an intimate partnership should be. This expectation would actually ruin my idea of falling in love and marriage as the reality never measured up to the fantasy. See the fantasy was that I would meet a nice Muslim boy and get married by 19 or so and we would embark on our adult journey together and live happily ever after. Well that dream never materialized as you will have read in my past essays, I’ve had several boyfriends and been married twice.

My delusion around men and earning coupled with the Islamic expectation of men being the providers of women made it nearly impossible for me to think of love when choosing a partner. I always chose money over love and that’s where I fucked up! This lead me on a years’ long journey of relationships with high earners and low emotional quotients. Relationships are a mirror though right, so my emotional IQ was pretty low too. Until I realized that money never equals love and coins never equate to care, I went for the money guy over the guy who I actually liked. Sure men will spend money if they have it. That just what men with money do but can they REALLY love? Could I really love? And why was I depending on my partnerships to do the providing that I could clearly do for myself? Well there’s more explanations to that in my past essays too but for now we’ll say that years of therapy and inner work have helped me to reconcile and rectify some of that thinking.

After being married and having kids, I realized that getting lost in the duties of being a wife and mother can steal your identity outside of those titles. It took me being out of that marriage to even see that. Like, where did I go? Who had I become? The fearless, ambitious woman I once was was now wrapped up in motherhood and nothing else. I even started a business centered around motherhood but there was so much more to me than that. It would take 7 years to return to myself in a way that was familiar. I know you’re supposed to change in that season but I had become unrecognizable to myself. So what did that mean? That meant I had some work to do.

Once I started exploring what and who I wanted to be, the work to return to myself began. I began praying more, reading again, doing yoga and exercising consistently and then dating people I was actually interested in. I did a lot of journaling and crying and singing and dancing alone in my living room and gardening and solo dates. All of these things in concert with one another went into me returning to myself. I learned to center myself. This opened the door to the possibilities of me fully living a life that felt like what I envisioned for myself. It was starting to feel like MY life again. I remember after my separation from my kids’ dad, my therapist told me I had situational depression. That was an aha moment for me. If I had situational depression then I could certainly have situational joy! I knew that if I could foster an environment that felt good to me then my joy could have somewhere to exist and grow. A small cozy home with old wooden floors that were warmed by the sun coming through my windows in the morning, the conscious parenting of my children which included homeschool, the dating and travel on my kid free weekends, solo museum and dinner dates, living Islam through a loving lense in my home and with my children…all these things were a result of me returning to myself.

When I was ready I got married again. This time I was clearer about my desires and my needs as well. This time I was able to set expectations that had more to do with the overall feeling of my life as opposed to the logistics only; where would we live, what would our budget be, what type of cars would we drive. Those things are important but more important was how we flowed, how we existed together, how our families blended, how we loved. I knew that the work I had put into myself would reflect in my partner. I knew better so I could choose better. Now that doesn’t mean that perfection in my life ensued but what it does mean is that through my own internal work I’ve learned to cultivate a life that feels the way I want it to feel.

So marriage isn’t the whole thing for me. It’s one of the byproducts of all the things I’ve worked on internally. All my decisions are the result of the evolution of ME…I’m my MAGNUM OPUS.

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