You look at your body in the mirror. You’re a pretty fit guy, and you know women usually find you attractive. Being a head-turner feels good. You also enjoy feeling fit and strong, and you enjoy various physical hobbies–hiking, jogging, playing some sports.

Despite that, you’ve always harbored a desire to be fat. As a kid, you stuffed pillows under your shirt and pretended you were as big as your bed. You don’t want a pillow, though. You want a hanging, ponderous belly; plump boobs to rival a woman’s; thick thighs that form their own rolls.

Why don’t you do it, then? Letting go would be so easy. You love food, you love feeling full, and some days you really hate working out. Maintaining the discipline is hard, and it’s even harder on the days your brain screams your fat desires at you the loudest. 

The truth is, you are terrified of how easy it would be to let go. Would you be able to stop? Part of you finds the idea of being unable to stop a massive turn-on. The other part wants to know you’d be able to stop.

You’re afraid. Afraid of what your family and friends will say to you and about you once you put on weight. Afraid of the way strangers might look at you. Afraid of lectures from your doctor. Afraid of developing heart disease or knee pain or any other ailment that will be blamed on your weight. Afraid of not being able to get dates anymore, never mind finding someone who will share her life with a fat guy who keeps getting bigger and bigger. Afraid of how much you’ll miss easily being able to do the activities you enjoy now.

When you talk to FFAs online, the choice seems easy for a moment. You want to rush out and eat all the food a fast food restaurant can possibly make you and then some. You want to watch the weight pile on as some cutie who shares your fat dream adores every added inch.

But the truth is those girls aren’t there in person. Maybe if they were or maybe if you could find one in real life, it would be different. Maybe you’d feel less apprehensive about letting go. As long as it’s all online, though, it’s different. It’s so easy for them to push you to eat and gain, but they don’t have to share any of the real life impacts with you. They aren’t going to be there when your mom tells you to cut back because you’re looking heavy. They aren’t going to be there when your doctor tells you that your blood pressure is looking a bit high and can you explain why you’ve put on 50 pounds this past year. They aren’t going to be there when you have to replace your wardrobe yet again. They aren’t going to be there when you are out of breath attempting a hike that used to be so easy for you and you are wondering if you made the right choice getting fat. They aren’t going to be there to squeeze your fat rolls and rub your tummy after you eat too much.

You know you should get fat for yourself and not for someone else–but having someone else makes that choice seem so much easier. Maybe someday you’ll reach the point where you’re ready to make that choice. Maybe someday your metabolism will slow down enough that the choice will be out of your hands as the weight starts to creep on anyway. Maybe this year will be the year you’ll let go. Or maybe not.

Either way, you’ll be ok.

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