Most of the episodes of The Fatherhood Challenge talk about what men contribute to fatherlessness physically, emotionally and spiritually, because it’s true. Men do have a role in the fatherlessness problem. But men aren’t the only cause nor are they the only solution. My guest Carrie Ann Barrette talks more about this with me in this episode.

 Carrie Ann Barrette is a Mental Health Counselor, an author, speaker, elder and discipler of countless women. She is also the founder and CEO of Kingdom Life Advisors, a ministry and service that has helped countless women heal and find their true identity and purpose.

To learn more about Carrie, visit: https://carrieannbarrette.com/

To learn more about Kingdom Life Advisors, visit: https://kingdomlifeadvisors.com/

To get Carrie's book Put Your Crown On, visit: https://amzn.to/4hK9niC

Visit Carrie's YouTube Channel at: https://www.youtube.com/@CarrieAnnBarrette

Special thanks to Smile Online Course & Books for sponsoring this episode. To learn more visit: https://thefatherhoodchallenge--smileteenskills.thrivecart.com/social-career-skills-accelerator/

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Transcription - Men and Women Fighting Fatherlessness Together

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Most of the episodes on the Fatherhood Challenge talk about what men contribute to Father

Listeners physically, emotionally, and spiritually because it's true.

Men do have a role in the Father Listeners problem, but men aren't the only cause nor are

they the only solution.

My guest is here to talk more about this with me in just a moment, so don't go anywhere.

This program is made possible by financial support from Smile Online Course and Books.

Smile Online offers online courses for teens and young adults designed to help the master

social and career skills.

Subject matter includes customer service skills, job interviewing, electronic etiquette, and

managing stress.

For more information, visit thefatherhoodchallenge.com.

That's thefatherhoodchallenge.com

Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to

take great pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers

are to the stability and culture of their families environment.

Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

Greetings everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me.

My guest is mental health counselor.

She's also an author, speaker, elder, and a cipler of countless women.

She's also the founder and CEO of Kingdom Life Advisors, a ministry and service that has

helped countless women heal and find their true identity and purpose.

Carrie Ann Barrett, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge.

Oh, it's good to be here.

Good to connect with you, Jonathan.

Carrie, please share your story with me of how and why you started helping women heal and

connect with who they are.

Yeah, I feel like the Lord has always had me helping people since I was young.

It's very strange.

Even my teacher wrote down in a report card that I was her counselor.

So I don't know.

I've just got this gift that God gave me and I don't know why, but he's using it.

But my story a little bit is that I tried to build a castle of my own and it just didn't

work.

I went in, I was trying to go to college, to get my degree, to build this empire of a job

that I thought I was going to have when I was trying to find the husband that I was supposed

to have, to build this family that I was supposed to have and I was trying to build and build

and build.

All I did was make a mess.

I say that when I was 13, I found my ticket to heaven because I was afraid of dying and

so my mother called the pastor that asked him the questions of figure out why I couldn't

sleep.

And when he came, he shared the gospel and I said, all right, I'll take that and I take

his a heaven.

I don't have to worry about going to hell.

I don't have to worry about what dying looks like, but I also didn't get discipleship.

So as I was building my kingdom, I didn't have Jesus.

I didn't know how to build.

I just was trying really hard.

I did kind of read the Bible here and there and so forth.

But it didn't go well and I made a lot of mistakes.

And one day, I just thought of just ending it all and when I did that, it was so terrifying

to think of doing that.

I actually called on the name of Jesus and he came in the room and he asked me this one

question, which was the most poignant question anyone ever gets asked and it was he asked,

are you ready to follow me?

And that was my spirit changing, my life changed question, everything.

And I said, yes.

So when the Lord is in the room and he asked you to follow him, what are you going to do?

Say no.

I mean, I'm sure some people do.

There was no other answer to that question.

So I was following him and ended up just as I was building that kingdom and I'm losing my

job.

But within 24 hours, I knew that he wanted me to go back to school and to study his words.

I went to seminary and got some degrees.

I tried to be a pastor.

And then I didn't work out because Greek and I don't seem to get along me and grammar

who don't seem to get along in Greek.

And so working with professors, they say, if you want to really help women, why don't you

go into counseling major and so I switched over and all the rest of history just been helping

women ever since then ministering to them, helping them to understand who and whose they

are so they can be set free and walk with the Lord.

So that's my story in a very, very short nutshell.

The father had challenged can sometimes be strong about holding men accountable and often

men and women are the source of fatherlessness and they are also the solution.

But maybe just maybe I don't have all of the pieces to the problem or the solution.

So what do you see from your perspective?

It's both and I want to go back to the garden of Eden and talk about how things were

supposed to be different because if you really think about it, there's one big thing

that if Adam had done it right, everything would have been different.

I heard somebody say, and I wish I could go back and remember or figure out who it is that

said it.

But the person said, you know, if Adam had not the apple out of that Satan's hand and

said not today Satan, that's my woman.

I'm helping her.

I'm protecting her.

I'm taking over because I'm the rule and reign righteously upon the land.

Everything would have been different.

And you know what, women still want that.

Now we'll do it on our own.

We'll push men out.

We will do everything we have to do to control life and to be safe and feel secure.

But quite honestly, there is no woman that I've ever known that would not want tarzan

to swing in and protect her and make everything okay.

You know, sweep her off her feet and say how wonderful she is and how he's going to take

care of her for the rest of her life.

Like that is actually what we want and that is what the good father does, right?

This is what Jesus says.

He takes care of us coming in, being albe, your protector, albe, your savior.

We all want that.

Like that's what women really want.

And in part, that's what men really want.

They want the father to come in and take care of business, take care of them.

But I think if we go back to that, that is where the whole riff began.

That is where women started to not trust men.

Women weren't allowed to be who they were meant to be.

They were meant to be the easier or the helper and we weren't allowed to do that.

And things got all messed up.

So it's just a trickle down from there.

One way I've heard that described is replicating the curse of the garden.

When we read what happened and what God's response was to the sin and the excuses, God

pronounced judgment and said that the man will rule over you.

And so what we do is when we read that, we interpret that as that's the way it's supposed

to be.

No, that was the consequence of their actions.

Exactly.

That wasn't that that was never how God wanted it to be.

He didn't want women to come over men.

We were meant to walk beside men, but men were created stronger.

And I hate women hate to talk about this, but let's just be real.

Testosterone is real.

And men were meant to be stronger and women were meant to be more empathetic and more caring

and loving.

And so that's how we were designed.

We don't have to like it.

You don't have to like it, but that's how we were constructed in humanity.

And so that was how God designed it to be.

I always like to talk about the lions and the lionesses.

And God uses the lions as a way to talk about us anyway, but the lions are roaming and taking

care of the land and they are strong, mighty warriors, right?

And the women are home.

The lionesses are home.

They're taking care of their young, but they can still kick the butt of.

Many hyena that comes near their baby like they are strong too, well, they're not weak.

You know, they can both take care of business, but they have different roles and we have different

roles.

It doesn't mean one role is bad, one role is good and I doesn't mean a woman can't go and

work.

We can.

World War II proved it.

World War II made sure that we know that we can go out and work and we can go ahead

and build a company.

That doesn't mean it's the way it's best.

It just means we can.

We can do a lot of things.

They can say to Jesus, he could do a lot of things, but we have to know who and who's we are

and that yes, of course, we can do that, but that doesn't mean we have to do that.

We're okay with the three in one concept, but all of a sudden we have a problem with it

when it comes to how genders relate to each other, but that's exactly what the image of

God means is that there is that equality.

Yes, different.

God made male and female different on purpose both strong and different ways and even stronger

together as a result.

If we're willing to come together in humility and love and purpose together, yes.

Is there a link between feminism and fatherlessness and if so, what is it and why?

Absolutely, there absolutely is and we can talk about really far back history or really

recent history and see that play out.

We can talk about the timeline of the world and watch it.

One specific area just to talk about recent history is I mentioned World War II.

In World War II and even before then, in World War I, there was a great depression.

A lot of men lost their jobs, their livelihood, their loss, their identity and women started

to wrestle with men because women started to understand that they had lost their identity.

They had lost their drive and their vision of capability to be able to take care of the

home, to care the family and then it started to shift the relationship.

You can see it even stronger in World War II where women went to work.

You can see the poster of the woman with her strong muscle and she's like, "I can do

it.

I can do anything you can do."

That doesn't mean you can, but you can, you can step out of the home and you can go to

work and the men come home from war defeated.

There's this relationship where everybody is broken.

Men don't have the job, they don't have the funds, the women who have the job, they have

the funds and everything gets flipped upside down.

Nobody is in the home taking care of the children.

Nobody is in the home.

Then we do even further more recently after we've got the sexual revolution and we've got

all the feminism that comes in.

We've got women that are completely outside the home, not only do they not need the man

working because they can work, they don't even need the man at home and the divorce rate

went through the roof.

We don't need a man.

We can do everything.

We can be the father, we can be the mother, we can be the provider, we can do it all

in what happens to child at home, the latch key kid has no vision of what a true father,

mother relationship should be.

They have a no idea of what an honoring relationship between man and woman is because they don't

number one have them in the home and they don't have that ideal that the two can love one

another in this unified relationship.

You can see that played out really strongly in the child of the eighties and you can see

it extraordinarily played out in the eighties where almost every program shows the man is ignorant

and stupid and the woman needs not that man except for a sexual interaction where they

feel good and they leave and go about their business when they're done.

I mean that is what I was programmed into.

I watched soap operas, I watched Dynasty, I watched these shows like the only one that

was actually a good guy I think was Michael J. Foxx and that was why he was like the poster

child for the boy in the eighties because he was not that kind but the men were either

stupid or they were womanizing and the women were either the housewife that was looked

down upon or she was out in the working world where she had it all together and she used

men like a tissue.

Like this is what we grew up in but you know it's crazy is this is nothing new under the

sun.

If you look back if you look back and study Ephesians and the book of Ephesians was written

into the church of Ephesus, women were in charge, women were gods and that is why he wrote

I will have you teaching none of that.

Like I will not allow a woman to teach that and that's the that they were talking about

if you read Dr. Kroger's book, talking about that.

He talks about how women were teaching that they were gods.

Like they were all we don't need a man in fact you're the slaves in this town you get out

of here right and going to rule the roost and I make the decisions and that is what we've

kind of getting we're getting back to we're getting back to this where we're idolizing

the women and the men are stupid and if they're not stupid then they're just useless and

it's just broken.

How do we raise little boys?

How do we raise little girls to understand right relationship where the man is not honored

as good it's good that he's strong it's good that he can take care of the home and how

if we women aren't letting the man take care of the home.

If we're doing it all ourselves how are we raising men and women to first fall love each

other.

Second of all come into what is supposed to be a marriage of oneness where we help each

other and lift each other up and respect each other.

How do we do that?

I think it's really really broken.

What you actually do for a living is you deal on a daily basis with the consequences of

this broken system.

A lot of broken women who are victims because of this false ideology of the way it was meant

to be is it a long process to get women restored back to the way it should be?

Well that's a two full question in part it can be fast to get a lot of the healing because

the Holy Spirit does most of the work but it can also be a long process of reprogramming

and most of the women that I work with there's the sexual abuse of some sort.

The whole abuse is such a big deal that most people don't understand so it's like 90% of

the women in the world have been sexually abused in some way, shape or form.

It used to be 70% that they used to talk about but really I would say it's 90% is reality

which is a really horrible number but most of the women that I meet with there are some

sort of traumatic whether even if it's not sexual it's some sort of family of evil that

was going on in their house you know their parents got a divorce their parents were fighting

you know there's something going on that I help women to detach from like because usually

they're still a hook in them from whatever happened when they were three five ten whatever

and fifteen maybe you know and they're still kind of hooked in that and so they're still

bleeding and they're still struggling and they're still still stumbling so what we can

do is we can the Lord I partner with the Lord so that he can unhook them from that

set them free from that so even though it's true it can be thought of differently so that

the pain isn't so resonant there and they can go forward without that pain so it doesn't

change the fact that things actually have it but it changed how it impacts them going

forward and how they can think differently because God says you know you will know the truth

and the truth will set you free so if we can understand the truth of what really happened

or how God saw it and how God wants to deal with it then the women can be set free and I

got to tell you sometimes it can happen in just a few hours sometimes it takes a few

years sometimes it takes months for that to happen but usually the Lord brings the women

back to an understanding of that experience that is different and they're understanding

of the same thing is different because they he talks about who we are in him how we

are daughters how we are loved how he created us to love us and how his love is perfect

it's not like the love we've experienced on this planet so a lot of that reprogramming

is what sets the woman free and it's really the Holy Spirit doing the work that is the

Holy Spirit will bring to mind things that set that woman free and I'm just here as a

partner of him to do that.

A woman who is restored to her true identity and purpose and understands her value and

her worth eternally spiritually is a powerful force.

There's nothing like it.

There's nothing like it and this is what I think that everything from the Gen X and the

generations that follow are so starved for my generation I'm a Gen X or I'm a latch key

kid that's the way I grew up and so I grew up with this mindset that I don't need my parents

right.

I can raise myself and so I'm going to go flip into a very uncomfortable conversation and

that is pornography so you mentioned the way women are just like okay so I can just go

use this woman for my pleasure and then I'm done with her and then I move on.

Women learn I can use that for power to get what I want.

Oh you nailed it absolutely.

The women have used that for power and then we make the man feel guilty because we used

it for power.

Woof.

And it's all about power because in pornography you can take a fantasy and in that fantasy

through pornography you can make a woman do whatever you want her to do.

So the blunt word for it is she is now your slave.

Instead of your easer she is your slave.

Right women get the message that they are not valuable they're just property they're just

a piece of meat for someone else's pleasure so then there's the devaluation of God's creation

that happens in that entire process.

So the both sides are doing the same thing both sides want to be worthy and we want to have

power because we have fear that we are we are not covered by anyone and we're not valued

by anyone.

So we'll do whatever we can to build our own kingdom to build our own tower to build our

own identity because we don't have those things instead of working together in pure unity

to build together something that will stand.

Yeah that's exactly it.

It's a war for power and when that war for power happens it means that there's a vacuum

of something else that should be there that should have been there and is not the only

solution and not to sound stereotypical.

The solution is Jesus.

But is he's the only one who can fix this broken system.

Everyone both sides both men and women have to come back and learn or in some cases relearn

their true identity and purpose for which they were created for before they were even conceived.

And I think the part of the missing piece is that we know we need Jesus to get into heaven.

We don't understand that we get Jesus to get unity with the Father and to get in that

perfect sonship that we've been looking for that perfect approval and love that acceptance.

If we can get that approval like every little boy wants approval from their Father.

I mean by on anything if they can get that approval from a perfect loving strong Father that

is like everything to them and it still is you can take a 90 year old man and they still

need that acceptance that approval from a perfect Father that said well done my son well done.

And that is what we're all searching for women too.

We are looking for that well done.

We just need to know that we are daughters and sons of the king and already accepted,

already loved.

He calls us beloved like we are already loved and the only difference is the lie and the

sin that severed our relationship with the perfect Father.

If we can bring that understanding in as we can understand that you know under the blood

our relationship with that perfect Father is in fact restored then everything else is

a done deal.

It is literally like the matrix one of my favorite movies it is like the matrix if we can just

understand the reality of the kingdom of heaven that is now and the reality that we

are sons seated on a throne of glory in heaven even now that is life changing.

And if we can walk in that reality we can enter we talked about before the video we can

enter his rest and we can just relax and not think we need to build and do and control

and be afraid you know what none of that is reality that's all a matrix of Satan who is

trying to break us from the reality that we can have this relationship with the Father

and a guard relationship with man and woman we can have that oneness if we will stop fighting

to control and to build and to be afraid if we will stop all that and we can just rest

like you know what we are here together we can build together I can respect my husband

he can love me I love that book love and respect.

Okay we can love each other but he is going to respect I am going to respect him and he is

going to love me and we are going to be good.

I think there is this aspect of reality and this is why I love that you brought the matrix

up because the story of in the matrix is all about reality coming back to pornography

pornography is all about removing you from reality it is about disconnecting you from reality

God is all about being present with you in reality which is the way it was supposed to

be so when we have these relationships restored between husband and wife between the way

we see others around us and we have these healthy boundaries healthy respect in the relationship

and marriage relationship this healthy love reality is beautiful.

You will find it will be like stepping out of the matrix everything is is sunny again the

colors are greener everything is so much better and the best part about it is it is real.

Yeah because you don't have the faith in anyone else.

Yeah I am not looking for my husband to fill my cup he is not looking for me to fill his

cup because Jesus fills our cup and we are full so we are not vying for anything we are

just in good relationship together.

When you both have full cups you can drink from each other's cup you can spill over it

you can have fun with it and it never runs out because you are not the one filling it

in your spouse isn't filling your cup either.

That takes so much pressure off so you can actually enjoy each other.

This is what I think of as returning back to Eden the way God meant it to be.

You know I was thinking this morning the Lord showed me a verse I was about he spoke excuse

me he was speaking to Moses and he says my presence will go with you and I will give you

rest and that's what we need in our marriage right that's what we need in our relationships

his presence to come with us and he will give us rest he was about to enter the promise

land in fact he didn't get to but he you know if we we go and bring his presence we can

in fact enter the promise land the promise land is actually our relationships it's actually

our family the family is the promise land it's not about the land the earth we already

roll and rain over the earth by the way we are already supposed to have dominion take

the land that's already done deal we are lied to that we don't actually own this land

and don't run this land rule this land or supposed to do is rain in our family he said

we're supposed to be fruitful and multiply that family is the raining that family is the

the truth of what we're looking for about it's so broken that you know we're we wrestle

with having one child not the 14 that our ancestors used to have because we're so broken

and we just need so much healing the Holy Spirit wants to do it he's very very focused on

doing that and healing our families but we got a long way to go.

Rulkin dad's play and truly being a solution and not a problem.

Yeah there's there's two things I was thinking about this one is this is really hard for a man

but man needs to empty himself of himself and fill himself with Holy Spirit because I think

a man is trying so hard to be something and it's all broken you know and then if you can

empty that and say you know what I can be humble when I say got nothing but Holy Spirit

help me and Holy Spirit will then rebuild right he will fill up and rebuild so that you can

go do the things that you're called to do and then I saw recently that one of the best

movies I've ever seen it was the Forge I don't know if you've seen that Jonathan I highly

recommended but it's about becoming an example to then make examples so becoming the disciple

the to then disciple so because if you're a strong man of God and I mean that in a good

sense I don't mean you're beating your wife on the weekends I mean you're a strong solid

faithful peace filled man of God then you can then be an example to your own children

to other children that is what discipling is to being solid in the faith and the peace

of God that you don't need anything else to fill your cup except for Jesus and then you

can go ahead and disciple other men of God and if we can do both me as a woman and and

Jonathan you as a male if we can do this we can replicate what we were supposed to replicate

from the beginning which is ones that honor each other honor God serve God serve each other

and build each other up into the fullness of discipleship where we can be the free children

of God and walk in this land as we reign and rule instead of Satan who's prowling around

like a lion looking who he can devour like that is what we need to do I'm actually creating

a women's group in New England to do that but I think around the world we need to start

replicating what was seen in the movie The Forge so we can go ahead be honorable men and

women of God and then replicate he's been really showing me the Lord's been really showing

me that now is the time that we need to activate those people that are strong and honorable

men and women of God because if we don't start changing things now it's not going to get

any better up now at the end it's not going to be pretty anyway but we need to be ready for

the harvest that he's bringing because there's so many loss that he wants to bring in right

now he's like get ready because it's coming get ready now so that you can bring in you

can't go fishing until you've been cleaned up to go fishing for men right so man you need

to be cleaned up with him with the word with the truth with the Holy Spirit dwelling

in you so that you can go fishing and every man likes to go on fishing is very human and

don't like go fishing but you're going to be a fisher of men so you have to get cleaned

up first and that doesn't mean you have to be like oh I'm not good enough you know you're

not good enough Holy Spirit's good enough let him in you you can be good enough to tell

me more about kingdom life advisors and how listeners can find information absolutely

there's a couple different things that I do and so I've a book called Put Your Crown on

which is all about our identity in Christ for men and women is about how you can understand

and then walk in the truth of the kingdom the truth of your role and identity as a son of

God there's also videos on my YouTube channel Carrie and Barrett and you can listen to all

the interviews about their story for God's glory of how God intervened and interceded in

people's lives and then yeah the kingdom life advisors is the one and one coaching that

I do I mixed counseling coaching and ministry altogether in a new package called the kingdom

life advisor where I help women to be set free of the struggles that we talked about today

all those things that get in the way of us really being strong women of God and I don't mean

that in the in the controlling strong I mean in the peaceful restful strong and how we can

move forward in victory so that's kingdom life advisors dot com and some you can go and

apply to work with me you or or your wife because most of the men are listening so your wife

can go apply and work with me so they can be set free.

Carrie as we close what is your challenge to dad's listening now two things one is watch

the forge and just understand that whole concept that really will bring you to a deeper understanding

of what God is calling people to now and then it is take I challenge you to enter his rest

the word says that we are to strive to enter his rest when we enter his rest we stop striving

to do all the stuff that we've building and we just enter his rest that he's going to take

care of us he's going to walk with us he's going to help us to win the battle he's going

to be our victor because he's already won the victory and if we can enter his rest we

stop all the striving so just I encourage you to spend the next year as I've been the

last two years entering his rest and that way you'll stand in victory and you'll no longer

have to fight.

Carrie it has been an honor having you on the fatherhood challenge thank you so much for

sharing all these truths with us and sharing about what you do thank you Jonathan it's been

great.

Thank you for listening to this episode of the fatherhood challenge if you'd like to

contact us listen to other episodes find any resource mentioned in this program or find

out more information about the fatherhood challenge please visit the fatherhoodchallenge.com

that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com

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