You see the darkness

Hello peace my old friend

It started with a call to a customer. This customer railed about a representative he was annoyed with. This representative was confused and befuddled. He was a terrible person and needed to be educated on what our company sells. This representative was me.

I knew this going into the call. I had talked to this gentleman a few times already with very little success. Whether it was a dialect issue where slangs and accents were king, or a bad day had by all, the weight was on my shoulders. I had to swallow my pride, admit I was wrong yet again, and inform the customer his order was delayed. This is one of my typical calls.

My supervisor praised me for taking the call. They were going to call as soon as I did. I thanked them for the praise, but this was a mess I created. I had to clean it up. Even if it meant I had to listen to the constant beratement from an annoyed customer, it meant I would get better. Feedback is king, after all.

Why this signals hypocrisy in my own life

I can’t apply this to my life because I must find value in it first. As a man ever on a quest to be the best turtle he can be, there is nothing I want to do more than to let life pass me by while I keep studying and searching for “the answer.” I could work with myself as a lean company, getting rid of waste and maximizing potential, but I am not a company, much less a valued brand.

I am a survivor. I went through hell in my youth. I earned this entropy. If anything, the people I hear telling me I should find meaning and live for another person are hiding from their own pain. How dare they sell me their ideas? Don’t they know I am a survivor?

My nightmare is showing. A nightmare is an undead unicorn. A symbol of hope and goodness now turned and twisted into the tool of destruction and decay. While I am merely a human, my mind is much like a tethered undead horse, willing to ride into the brink and carry the souls of the righteous with me. Bad nightmare, no worm biscuits!

When did I receive my nightmare?

I’d say the moment happened when we were homeless. We lost our home because my grandfather couldn’t keep his hands off children. We were propped up by his wages, on the hook to his whims because we were poor in a rich man’s land. We bounced from place to place, sleeping in the back of Pinto and finally ending up in a homeless shelter. This was the beginning of the truth.

We sat by a koi pond. I remember the multicolored fish swimming around and doing their thing. I knew a few gentlemen liked my mother and I asked her about it. She turned to me and said she didn’t want to be happy because she was trying to protect me. She didn’t want to hurt me, nor did she want to confuse me by dating someone else. She was also hiding a secret. She was a lesbian.

I took this lie to heart

I spent my days pushing people away because of this. I simmered in loss and confusion, letting the natural feedback of cold and distant people tell me that I was indeed cold and distant. I needed to be removed from this world because I