Holmes: Eh hello? Tomathy: Aubrey! Eleanora: T-t-tea or coffee? Holmes: Eh- Tae. Tae is good. Tomathy: Wonderful, Darling? Eleanora: Buttering the scones! Tomathy: Holmes, you’ll love these. Eleanora: Here you go! Holmes: Tanks! (eats) aw… aw… aw stop! Fuckin’ quaren… aw… that’s fuckin’ gorgeous that is! Eleanora: Ahem, dear, can you get the preserves from the pantry? Tomathy: Rather busy with the tea dear. Holmes: It’s ok, I’ll get it for yis! (Door cracks open, mangle falls and collapse). Holmes: (Spit) ARHGH! Me big toe! Fuck it! Aw the pain of it. Eleanora: My god… Tomathy: Oh careful! Aubrey! Are you alright? Holmes: I’m all right now. I’m ok. Tomathy: Damned bloody mangle! I knew it would hurt someone someday. Eleanora! Why was the mangle put there? Holmes: Ah but your f-n mangle! Look at it! That’ll na’er work at all! Eleanora: Don’t touch it! It’s broken, just, just leave it would you? Tomathy: Yes, she doesn’t need one… She can dry by hand. Holmes: Wha? Are yis mad in the head or what? I can fix your mangle! Won’t be brokey after I get at ‘er! Sure that’s what I used to do! I fucka sure used to order things, put them in order like. Everything was all orderly y’see? Bad brains! (Clank, spindle, clunk) Holmes: Fixed perfect, just like little Mary Pickford. Eleanora: I’m sorry. Tomathy: He means Mary Pickford the actress! How many Mary Pickfords do you know down in Atkin’s Haberdashery? Holmes: Ah Mary Cinderella! Mary THE Cinderella! Bestest film ever! (slurps tea) Tomathy: You know, methinks I read in the Examiner that the Pavillion is showing her latest movie- Eleanora: Little Lord Fauntleroy… Tomathy: Yes! Holmes: Mary Pickford THE Cinderella with the dancing fairies through the window!! Greatness! Ah here, the ugly stepsisters! Curse a god on it! Whores! An’ an’ an’ the Fairy Godmother instructs her to round up some mice and rats! Mice and rats, have yis ever heard the likes of it? Mary Pickford had the face on her sayin’ like ‘what’s goin’ on’, none can piss on ‘er! Ashsskshskshsh! (farts) Oooh, then the slippers, Ugly sisters had fierce feckin’ bulbous feet so they couldn’t fit even one swollen toe into the slipper!! But Mary Pickford had the quaren gorgeous little pinkies on her. Slid right into the slipper so she did. An’ she went off to the ball! I tells yis, I’d smell her all night! Eleanora: And you are telling me he’s not- Tomathy: Cinderella you say?!! Hmm. Holmes: Mary Pickford’s sweet step into the slipper! Hah? Not like this ‘Jim the Slipper’! Tomathy: (Finger snap) Good lord! Why, Why, that just might be it Holmes! Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: It completely goes against my theory but you could be right! Holmes: Yes. I am right! I am? Tomathy: Yes, yes, you most certainly are old chap. It’s a Cinderella metaphor isn’t it!! The killer places a purple velvet ladies slipper in the right hand of the woman. How did you get it? Amazing. Whoever this Jim the Slipper is, he’s- Holmes: Well he’s not fuckin’ me for sure anyway! Eleanora: Don’t be so sure. Holmes: Wha? Is your womanery tellin’ that I’ve done killin’s? I’ve never done killin’s to any livin’ alive human nor animal! Tomathy: No of course not Aubrey! Eleanora really!! Holmes: She’s dirt! Excuse me! Eleanora: What did he call me? Tomathy! Tomathy: Why’s he going into the pantry. Dear boy, I don’t think- Eleanora: Tom! Get him out of here. (Hinge of bread basket) Holmes: They think I murder-red the young one on the road, sure we didn’t do such a thing did we? The Gerbil: Relax. They just don’t know who we are. Holmes: Who are we though? I mean, what are we doin’ here? The Gerbil: We are on a mission. And Tomathy Wilson is going to help us. We must convince him of your innocence. Holmes: Never mind him, it’s the other one in the flowery skirt needs it mo-are! The Gerbil: Never mind her, she’s beside the point. Listen carefully… Tomathy: I say Holmes, I don’t mean to be a drag but might you be a time in the pantry? Holmes: Quickly, come on! The Gerbil: This Jim the Slipper business, it’s perfect. Tomathy thinks it’s some Cinderella metaphor, and well, we are very clever. He knows it. We know it. Use it. (Hinge of bread basket) Tomathy: Ah Holmes? (Pantry door swings open)- Holmes: Tomathy Wilson. It-is-a-Cinderella-metaphor… We must go the cinema to see Mary Pickford. There will be answers. Thank you for the scones Mrs Wilson… Tomathy: (Finger snap) I knew it! Thought it out in the pantry didn’t you. In the quiet. No infantile interruptions or observations to break the concentration! I like your style Holmes. To the cinema it is. We’re onto something here! Eleanora: Really Tomathy? On to something? Are you insane? Tomathy: Poppycock. What’s the name of the Pickford film again darling? Eleanora: ‘My stupid husband’. Tomathy: I’m sure that wasn’t it. Come along Holmes, we have work to do! Holmes: Lovely cupcakes youse have.Eleanora: Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like that… Holmes: Bye now. The Gerbil: While his wife wasn’t; Tomathy Wilson was a trusting sober soul. My friend was happy to help guide him in this case of murder. We were behind but we still went toward the Pavilion cinema to see Mary Pickford.(Street cars, horns, bicycles) Tomathy: I say Holmes, careful as we walk down here, there’s been one or two hairy situations with the snipers over the last few days. Holmes: More bloodery? Tomathy: Afraid so old chap. Friday night with Eleanora leaving Atkins. An unmerciful volley let rip over the roof tops. We all feel in a heap with the cheese and pickles everywhere. No, no Holmes, this is no time to be wandering the streets willy-nilly. Ah, here we are; the Pavillion. Tickets now a shilling I fear what with the buggers trying to recoup the construction cost. Opened up only last March. Holmes: I did not know that Tomathy Wilson. Teller: Good evening gentlemen; Robin Hood, Nosferatu or Little Lord Fauntleroy? Tomathy: Oh mind the dirt there Holmes. Holmes: Dirt! I smells it. Tomathy: No-one’s clean that up since Egan’s burned down two years ago! Two for Little Lord Fauntleroy please. Teller: That’ll be a cost of 8 pennies to you sir, reduced price for the final show of the run. Tomathy: Ah top hat. Now we’ll get some answers ay Holmes? Holmes: Yes that be right. Stanton: Hey you bounder! Slacking off the job are you? This will not do! Holmes: Who’s this slippery queerhawk? Tomathy: Stanton! There you go, 8 pence. Teller: And two tickets, thank you sir, enjoy the film, next! Stanton: What you seeing? I hear Nosferatu gives you the willies! Brrr! Holmes: Mary Pickford sure! Are ya stupid or what? Stanton: Eh? Steady on! Is he with you Tomathy?Tomathy: Why of course he is Stanton! Let me introduce you. Stanton Pulvertuft meet Aubrey Holmes! Aubrey this is Stanton my good friend and partner at law. Stanton: Delighted to meet you old boy. Holmes: What is that mad woman doin’ back there, like she’s got a monkey on her back! Stanton: Eh, ok… Tomathy: He takes a bit of getting used to, does our Aubrey, he’s from the capital, a fellow legal eagle! What’s he looking at? Stanton: Is he now. I say Aubrey, what’s the capital saying about the Big Fella’s arrival down here. He’s just got into Bandon I heard. Holmes: She’s going to bate the shite out of him right now and I’m thinkin’ he quaren deserves it! Stanton: What’s that? I don’t see anyone. Wait a minute! I get you, it’s a metaphor! Tomathy: Yes! That’s the reason we are at the cinema. Stanton: Why, I don’t follow. Holmes: Looka! Dort! The DORT! The stupid eegit has dropped the feckin’ sand-wedge in the middle of the road! I knew it! I see it! I can see you!!! Stanton: Yep, I think you’ve lost me again. Holmes: I haven’t! Look at the dirt! Stanton: Em, I really don’t. Tomathy: Eh, yes, well, we’re going to see Little Lord Fauntleroy with Mary Pickford. Holmes has a theory about Jim the Slipper. Stanton: Does he now? Tomathy: And he says the answer will be in this film! Stanton: Fancy yourself as a bit of a detective then ay Holmes? Just like you Wilson, Holmes: He’s there lookin’ up at her with the tears rainin’ down his cheeks and the sand-wedge all covered in the dirt at his feet! It’s all DORT! Tomathy: Right. Best be heading in now Aubrey or we might miss something! Stanton: And me too! We got the City Mental Reservation deal! Tomathy: Oh Stanton that’s a peach of a contract! Top drawer! When do you need me?Stanton: Well I’ve to meet with the General Warden at 6pm to finalise. They’ve got some serious problems with the ‘renovations’, whatever that means; just got word of it at 5 o’clock there. Tomathy: Post office? Stanton: No not yet, got it across the wire, it’s up and running again. Seems the warden has got some huge issue but keep it on the hush hush for now ok? I’ll fill you in on the details when I get back. Mrs Murphyarty’s on the quay at 7.30 sharp? Tomathy: Ab-so-lute-ly! Stanton: Oh and eh bring Aubrey along, he looks like he’s good for a laugh and a Chutney Zinger! Wilson, got to run! Wish me luck! Tomathy: Break a leg! Holmes, we should dash in or we’ll miss the start! Holmes? Holmes: There’ll be bloodery! Tomathy: What? Where? Snipers? Holmes: NO! THE-ARE! Tomathy: You mean that poor woman with her child Holmes? I thought you were joshing with Stanton. But you were actually looking at… Holmes: Ah no! Ah looka! He’s not… ahhh, he feckin’ is. He dropped the sangwedge in the dirt and she has him only eatin’ the bread off the floor. Is she mad in the head or what? Ah the sickness. He’s going to have quaren mother issues when he grows up… he’ll hate her fierce much so he will. Tomathy: Holmes, really… I must insis-hang on… did you say… you did didn’t you? … Mother issues. (Finger snap) Of course! Yes, mother issues! Why, that just might be it Holmes! Holmes: Hah? Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.