Tomathy: Just in time, 5 to 6. (sniff) Oh dear, smell of the chandler’s wax about this place Holmes. Holmes: Yis have a sensitive snorkle there Mr Tomathy. Tash: (Apprehensive) Yeees? We’re just about to shut up shop for the evening you know, can I help you gentlemen? Are you buying for yourself or a loved one today? Holmes: Look at the slimey combed head on that lad. Tomathy: Ah! Good evening to you Mr. Tash. We’re in the hunt for a good old pair of ladies slippers! Tash: For your good lady Sir? Tomathay: Something like that… What’s in stock? Holmes: (Reads) Ladies-personal-underclothes, made-in-our-own-factory, hah? That’s quaren good now. Tash: Well Sir, for the present summer season we have everything you need sir. Tomathy: Well, come to think of it, we are looking for a special type, that right Holmes? Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: A purple velvet slipper set Holmes yes? That’s it isn’t it? Yes, yes, I think it is… Tash: Purple velvet slippers you say? Tomathy: Yes, I believe I did. Tash: No. Tomathy: Excuse me? Tash: All gone. Holmes: Gone? Who’s gone? Tash: There are no velvet slippers in this shop sir. Tomathy: Ah, that’s, that’s a real pity Mr. Tash, I was hoping awfully if you could assist us in this most pressing matter. Holmes: You! Come here to me… Tash: Me sir? Holmes: Looka, we’re on a mission. Have to find the purple velvet slipperses. Y’understand? Tash:     Are you alright sir? I said I have none. We’re completely out. And to be frankly honest with you sir, I’m surprised you ask. Holmes: You’re fuckin’ surprised??? Get on outta that now… You have the look of a right ‘lad’ now, fairs to God with the little black creamy comb over. Tash: I beg your pardon Sir? Holmes: What’s he sayin’ to me? Tomathy: I think, Mr Tash, what my good friend here is trying to impress upon your good nature is that he’s surprised that you are surprised. Why so Mr. Tash? Holmes: Wha are you hidin’? Tash: Well, I’m surprised that you ask about the slippers because, well… yes, b-because of the police and- Holmes: The po-leese? Tomathy: Oh yes, have they been here? Tash: Noooo. No policeman here. No, they ignored me all together! They went to Betty’s and God bless her she hasn’t two brain cells to rub together. Just because Constable Riordan fancies her! … I presume we’re all talking about the murder of the young females now yes? Holmes: Bloodery slippery bastard!! I’d quaren choke him so I would. Tomathy: So what about it old chap? Purple velvet slippers, size 5, square toe, round heel with an oriental floral design? Tash: Hmm, so, you and your friend here are infatuated by Jim the Slipper? Seeking out the slippers of the dead females for some sexual thrill are you? Tomathy: Good God sir! No, no, we’re concerned as citizens that the police aren’t particularly interested in catching this brute what with the war and all that, too busy trying to avoid a bullet in the head I suspect… so- Tash: Please sir. Shhh. (Whispers) You are in the right place sir! Tomathy: What? I say, maybe you have got the wrong end of the- Tash: Velvet slippers uh-huh, uh-huh, right? Right? I get you… Tomathy: You ‘get me’? Tash: Oh yes sir. Tomathy: Sorry Mr. Tash, ‘slippering’ I didn’t quite?- Tash: (Getting excited) Excellent! Keeping it tight! Very good sir. I love it.Tomathy: No I think you have- Tash: I see what you need! Holmes: Akskskskskskshhh Tomathy: No, I think we’re getting- Tash: Because a good technique is essential! Tomathy: -off topic somewhat here- Tash: The slipper can be administered in the so-called traditional over knee position or, Tomathy: Mr Tash I- Tash: Usually for older recipients, bending over an item of furniture- (Whips slipper through air) Holmes: Handy to know. Tash: This could deliver a very painful stroke, Tomathy: Mr Tash I- Tash: -depending on the force with which it was used, a size 11, well-worn, flexible slipper would deliver more sting than one that was new and stiff. Typically this would involve two or three quick, sharp swats across the seat of the offender's parts. Holmes: He’s gettin’ into this! Tash: The velvet slipper is the very best for a slippering. Six powerful strokes of the slipper! Buttocks! Buttocks! Lightly bruised for days! Providing a further reminder each time he sat down!!! Oh yessss… Holmes: Ah here… Tomathy: Mr Tash! Mr Tash! We are NOT here to indulge you in your FANTASIES of tanning human hide, we are here seeking information on Jim the Slipper’s calling card; the purple velvet slipper! Tash: Oh, oh my… Holmes: Well said Tomathy Wilson! That shook ‘im. Tash: I completely misread the situation. I-I- Tomathy: Please take your hand from there before you be-shit yourself, Tash: I’m most terribly sorry… Tomathy: Better use it to flick through your sales book there.Tash: Yes, the ledger… Tomathy: Over the summer. Tash: Certainly sir! Tomathy: What purchases have been made for a size 5 purple oriental square-toed slipper! Tash: Yes, sorry sirs, em… (Leafing through the sales ledger) Tomathy: I mean Holmes… really… have you ever seen the like of it before? Holmes: Excuse me – (Hinge bread basket opens)  Tash: Em, what I read in the Examiner, the one you seek is probably English made, around the 1895/turn-of-the-century mark. Eh, 12, 13 no 14 shillings! That’s it. Tomathy: And? Tash: Eh, no, I can’t, there’s, no, I can’t see any large purchases for the slipper style you speak of sir. Tomathy: Are you sure there’s nothing there Mr. Tash? Holmes: Sorry, I’m back now, what did I miss? Tash: Sorry sir, nothing. Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: Well he says there’s nothing in the books about buying any purple slippers! Bugger it to hell! Holmes:               Better off going to the cinema to see Mary Pickford after all. Tomathy: Anything? Anything at all? The devil is always in the detail you know! Tash: Wait, did you say Mary Pickford? Holmes: Ah sure jayzus imagine what sort of eegit buys twenty pairs of slippers anyway?? Hah? Now they’d have to be mad in the Head. Mad as a bag of squirrels! Akskskskshhh! Tomathy: Holmes? Holmes? Holmes: Hah? Tash: You said Mary Pickford.Holmes: You likes her too?? She’s quaren gorgeous. Oh, sticks the sweet toe right inside the slipper… oooh. Tash: It’s funny but, my best customer’s a huge Mary Pickford fan. Tomathy: Really? Tash: She never stopped going on about her. Tomathy: Does she buy slippers? Tash: No, that’s the thing, she was always in for girdles, garters and gussets but never got a slipper from me this year, But- Tomathy:But what? Tash: She was the last one to buy large amounts of slipper here, early last year though! Tomathy: Good lord WHAT? Tash: (Sigh) But, she won’t be coming here anymore. Holmes: I’m not surprised with you rubbin’ up behind the counter on about the slaps all day! Tomathy: Why does this woman not come here anymore Mr. Tash? Tash: Well, because she’s been locked away up in the City Mental Reservation. Holmes: Eh, excuse me… (Hinge of bread basket) Tomathy: Who is this woman? What happened to her? Why was she buying large amounts of slippers? For herself? Tash: Oh poor Mrs Brindle, such a shame. She had so much going for. Ah I sorely miss her custom. (Holmes shouting angrily at his box) Tash: Seems she went mad from her teenage son being wrongly imprisoned from stealing down at the docks. Had a nervous breakdown. Poor wretch. Tomathy: Did you hear that Holmes? Holmes? Holmes, where are you? Holmes: Hello. Tomathy: Oh! There you are. Listen, I think we may have something Holmes. It’s a long shot but seems a Mrs. Brindle was locked up in the loony bin because of a son, and she loved Mary Pickford too- Holmes: I want to speak to her! Tomathy: Yes. My thoughts exactly, we should speak to her. Why Holmes that might just be it! Holmes: We need to see her! Tomathy: You think NOW? Tash: That would be difficult… Holmes: Excuse me… Tash: Why does he walk off like that? Tomathy: To think things through in peace. He’s a genius. Tash: He looks like something different alright. Tomathy: He’s from the capital. Holmes: I said NO! WE GO! (Hinge of basket slamming shut) Tomathy: Love watching him work. Amazing. Tash: Is he some sort of detective?Holmes: Tomathy Wilson, take me to the City Mental Reservation. We must see Mrs Brindle! It’s our new mission! Tomathy: I like your style Aubrey. Mr Tash, you’ve been enormous help but please, next time, keep the spanking to yourself. Tash: Oh I will… Good luck to you sirs! Holmes: Arrghgh! Get these hob goblins out of me head!!! (Plastic things falling and ripping cloth) Tomathy: Careful Holmes… you’ll knock over the mannequins! Holmes: Ah attacked by bloomerses! Ah tickles! Akskskshshkskshsh! Tash: Keep it, keep it, it’s yours! (Door Closes) Holmes: Fuck’s sake. Mental Holmes I is an Amplevoicepod ear-film. Time to travel to Cork, Ireland in 1922 and meet a mysterious man clutching a wooden lunch-box to his ear. There’s been a murder. Attorney-at-law Tomathy Wilson fancies his detection delectation to identify the perpetrator and sow it all up. Until he sees a man with a wooden lunchbox wearing Tomathy's best suit (stolen off his washing line), at the scene of the crime! From there on in, things begin to unwittingly unravel via a variety of clues left by Stanton Pulvertuft, Eleanora Wilson, Mr. Tash at 'Ladies Underclothing', Seamus Byrnie and Mrs Brindle. Come hither 'til we enter the world of the 'Gerbil' and fling open the doors of 'Mental Holmes'. Don’t forget to bring the hang sangidges! The weird & winning, 72 minute audio adventure podcast that redefines how special podcasts can be… Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Amplevoicepod is the Voice of Pod, we can't just sit around a microphone and talk about the latest cultural thing on our minds! Oh no! We exist in glorious isolation, bringing you unique and original stories with our shows. It's big, it's bold, it's podcasting done right.