Tomathy Wilson: A&M kindly presents, typical for this type of thing, it’s an A&M production. Mental Holmes II! Aha. Featuring the wonderful talents of Tomathy Wilson, Seamus Byrnie, and of course… Mr. Aubrey Holmes. Introducing; Stefan Kuntz, and the dashing Doctor Voronoff. Legally registered for copyright, 2013. Tomathy: And there we were, Aubrey Holmes and I, chundering along through the Bavarian countryside, on the way to a holiday in Munich, November 8th, 1923. HOLMES: (Box open close fx) You, yeah you. I can see you. Tomathy: Who do you think you are Holmes? HOLMES: I know you are there. Come out. Tomathy: Listen, now that I have you here, I want to ask you something. HOLMES: Stop stayin’ at the back starin’ at me. Come on! Tomathy: I have a friend; a barrister buddy from Bandon, and would you believe it, he too is a Mr Aubrey Holmes, fancy that mmm?  HOLMES: Hah? Ah sure that’s mad now isn’t it? Tomathy: Yes, it’s eh, quite the coincidence. HOLMES: It’s a common name. Tomathy: And you are still wearing the same suit the day I met you. HOLMES: Hah. I likes this suit so I do. Extra comfy. Tomathy: Me too, I had one just like it, which amazingly disappeared when you- HOLMES: Excuse me Tomathy Wilson. Tomathy: Every time I broach the subject of anything remotely connected to your background, you sprint off to look into your bloody sandwich box! I mean what’s that’s all about? HOLMES: Ah you’re the great part-time amateur detective aren’tcha? Tomathy: Don’t push it Holmes. We absolutely have to grab the ears of this big elephant in the room! Holmes: You’re the elephant stickin’ the nose in where it may spite your face! Tomathy: When I met you, you, had, well you said you too were a solicitor like myself and- HOLMES: Common name isn’t it? Common job isn’t it? Yep, sure it is. I think you Tomathy Wilson,  Tomathy: I invited you along as a friend, so we can get to know each other better. HOLMES: Mad for the controls you are! Twistin’ the knobs, pushin’ the buttons! Tomathy: Strange, secretive and incredibly impulsive. But I must say you had all the answers when it came to uncovering the murdering brute Stanton, and he having an affair with my Eleanora! HOLMES: She was dirt, better off now! Tomathy: How right you were, and are. That’s the thing, you always are. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were one step ahead of me old boy HOLMES: Aksksksksskhhh, excuse me for a moment… Tomathy: Oh just put your box down Holmes and relax. That’s why we are here. And by golly do I need it. An invigorating holiday, yes… Now, if I can only make head or tail of this spa treatment leaflet for Baden Baden. It’s all in that tricky German! Ugh. HOLMES: Huh? Hah? Aah!  Tomathy: (Reads the leaflet) Nicht nur Regenerierung, Entspannung und Fitness nehmen eine wichtige Rolle im Brenners Spa ein. Ebenso fühlen wir uns Ihrer Gesundheit verpflichtet. HOLMES: Argh! Hah? Here! Ay?! Speak to me! Tomathy:  Oh it’s hopeless. I was never good at speaking foreign. HOLMES: Where are ya? Come out till I fight your face off! Tomathy: Nearly in Munich old boy. HOLMES: One chance! That’s it now! Tomathy: Hmm, if I had my chance I would fly in the Zeppelin but you, of course- HOLMES: Crash and burn! They’ll crash and burn! Sink like a Lead, a lead bal-zeppelin! Can you hear me in there? Tomathy: Loud and clear! Relax. It might be a retreat to the spa treatment for me but if shouting at your lunchbox is the method- GERBIL: Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop shouting at me! You are it! You are it! He is himself, and I, I am over myself! HOLMES: Speak straight, enough riddlery! Gerbil: We have more work to do. Holmes: I don’t know! Tomathy: I can see you’re agitated dear fellow. Tell you what, as soon as we’ve alighted and met with our interpreter, I’ll buy you a stout cool German beer in ‘Munchen’, haha. And maybe we can talk some more?  HOLMES: I don’t understand. Tomathy: Me neither! I think we’ll need the interpreter alright. Last thing we need is confusion when all we want is to recuperate with some radium therapy ay? After all those shenanigans with the “Free State” back home, I mean look Holmes; even Irish money! The Punt! I tell you… (Train comes to a halt in station, ambience) HOLMES: Burst ‘er on. Tomathy: (Struggling with suitcase) Em, a bit of help with the suitcase Holmes? Eh, don’t just dash ahead like a small boy! Holmes: I’ll bate you, I’ll drive the fist into you… Get out of it! Tomathy: Oh I don’t know… There. Phew, maybe I packed above the limit. Where is our local guide? Don’t wander off Holmes! I might need you at any moment. HOLMES: Eegit. Ah! Swoopers! Bastards! Flyin’ rats lookin’ at me! (Makes pigeon noises) Tomathy: Ah, wait, that could be our man Holmes. HOLMES: (Close perspective) I will kill you. (Pigeon gobble) Tomathy: Tall… blonde… Mmm, definitely continental… Oh, he’s holding a placard, um, “Uoslim jjeh” what? Oh, haha, it’s upside down, ‘Herr Wil-son’, Herr Wilson! Hello! Hello? I’m Herr Wilson! Herr Wilson! HOLMES: Who’s the queerhawk? Stefan: Mr Tomathy Wilson? Hello Herr Tomathy Wilson. Welcome to Munich. It is nice to meet you. My name is Stefan Kuntz. I will be your guide. This must be your partner Aubrey Holmes? Tomathy: Em, can’t understand you I’m afraid. Do you speak the English? Stefan: Nein. Tomathy: Excuse me chap? I- em- Stefan: Spreche ich nicht Englisch Nein Tomathy: I’m- come again? HOLMES: No! He says no he can’t speak your form of gobshitelry!  Tomathy: Really? I thought this would be a two way deal. Stefan: Sorry but I don’t speak English. The hotel did not tell me it was necessary. HOLMES: You, you are a little bit of an oddball aren’t you? Stefan: Ja. HOLMES: And you are German also? Stefan: Yes that is right. HOLMES: Very sorry for you. Excuse me. Stefan: Not at all Aubrey Holmes. Please. Tomathy: My my Holmes! Looks like you’ve saved the day again! You understand German? HOLMES: Yes, I understand everything… Tomathy: Excellent! It’s my loss in the old translation department but you’ve done it again Holmes. HOLMES: Yes… akshssh. Superiorly, Stefan: Mr Tomathy Wilson and Aubrey Holmes. I think we should go to the hotel before the trip to Baden Baden tomorrow. Tomathy: Ah Baden Baden! Now you’re speaking. When do we go? Now? HOLMES: Hold on to the donkeys! What about me beer? Stefan: Baden Baden is tomorrow. Now, we will go to the hotel.  Tomathy: Eh right, yes, I suppose, Holmes? HOLMES: He says we should go for a beer now then maybe some hookers later. Tomathy: Hookerses-hookers? Why Holmes, that just might be what he’s saying! He is continental after all… But I think I need a shave. HOLMES: (Shouts straight at Stefan) Beer! Beer now yeah?- Stefan: Ok. We can stop for a beer. I know a good place that you might like. Let’s make a move yes? Tomathy: Um? HOLMES: He sez to come the fuck on. The beer this way, Tomathy: Straight to the point and no faffing about! That'll do me dandy! A good beer as promised Holmes! Stefan: We should walk fast ok. HOLMES: Oddball. Tomathy: Stefan took us on a tour of the town. Stefan: Look, here you can see the National Socialist ‘Nazi’ Party offices at the Sterneckerbräu brewery. Then there is the Cornelius Straße, Schellingstraße, and the Brown House; Holmes: Oddball… Stefan: Osteria Bavaria, and Café Heck; fuck, fuck, fuck. Tomathy: Remarkable place. Stefan: Then on that side you can see the Schleissheimerstraße, Thierschstraße, and Prinzregentenplatz. Tomathy: Look at these buildings there- my- wonderful! HOLMES: Look at the dirt! Young ones all starvin’, covered in boils and blotches. Look at their faces! Spindle-spined and sick. Jesus Christ, never seen such disgustinglery. Tomathy: Yes, it’s a bit dull now you mention it… Stefan: Please gentlemen, we must go quickly. There is trouble on the streets tonight. Those idiot Nazis are planning a demonstration. Tomathy: Yes! What? HOLMES: He says hookers are cheaper before 9pm.  GERBIL: Life is a charade! It’s all in the mind! Tick tock! Stefan: Here we are. This is the Bürgerbräukeller. We will have the beer here. Oh, and Mr Tomathy Wilson, here is your money. Tomathy: Oh, money! Goody. HOLMES: That’s a quare lot of notes! Have nare got the pockets wide enough for all that. Tomathy: Ah thanks chap, now I know! This is the money I wired over in advance yes? Stefan: Yes. This is it. 2000 billion Reichmarks. (fart). Tomathy: Stefan! Holmes: Hahahahsksh! Stinkin’ German bastard. Tomathy: Look here Holmes, a 100 billion ‘Reichmark’ note! Foreign funny-money eh? Stefan: Yes. We have terrible hyperinflation these days. HOLMES: I’m watching you. Stefan: This 100 billion reichmark note is 5 English or Irish pounds. HOLMES: I can understand you. Don’t think I don’t. Stefan: Now this week it’s 40 billion for bread, it is crazy money! HOLMES: What is wrong with you? Whatever. Look at the big bundles of notes! You’re a flash whore Tomathy Wilson. Tomathy: I didn’t think I wired so much, I mean I hope not! Eh ask him how much a beer is in real money. HOLMES: Here you, beer- Cost- What? Stefan: Ah, yes, today, one beer is £1.25. Tomathy: Holmes? HOLMES: It’s cheap. He’s saying it’s cheap, come on, the cauld is atin’ me. Stefan: Yes. (Beer hall ambience with music) Tomathy: Oh! HOLMES: Bit the lord, the jugs on her. Tomathy: What a delightful racket! Holmes: What a delightful rack! On that fuckin’ bi- Tomathy: Ah I know what you mean Holmes! Hahahaha! Holmes: There’s tinglery in the bottom of the stomach there is. Tomathy: Oh I say, look at that. Stefan: Ok, let’s sit at this table. I will bring you the beer. HOLMES: Smell of the sausage about this place. Tomathy: Where is he going Holmes? HOLMES: To get you pissed. Tomathy: Oh my god! (Fart) HOLMES: Jesus, the foreign food, they’re all stinkin’! Hah? Problems? Tomathy: I don’t believe it, it’s not, ooh, couldn’t be. It IS you know. HOLMES: Hah are ya lookin at? Tomathy: Look, look Holmes it’s… HOLMES: Ah fuck off would ya, no way! What’s the overgrown gnome doin’ in a place like this? Tomathy: I know! SEAMUS: Lads, it’s youse lads! Ah here, this is mad. Holmes: You’re in the wrong country! Tomathy: Seamus Byrnie! The prison guard from the mental reservation Holmes! ‘MENTAL HOLMES 2 - PUTSCH IT HOLMES!’ is an Amplevoicepod audio adventure. It's 1923. We join Aubrey Holmes and Tomathy Wilson aboard a swiftly trundling pan-European train trip culminating in the Munich train station. Everything here is inflated: bread, beer and egos. Aubrey and Tomathy are in town to take rest and relaxation, their goal being Baden Baden, but there’s a slight problem with the local German translation from guide Stephan. It’s only the beginning of the experiment which putches them from beerhall to prison to operating table! They meet an old friend while enjoying a hearty lager at the local Burgerbraukeller. But trouble ensues, resulting in them being thrown into Landsberg prison. Within the panopticon Aubrey befriends a furious little cellmate who has big ideas for the future... But that is nothing compared to the fate that could befall Tomathy Wilson as he finally gets to meet the world-renowned surgen Dr. Voronoff at the Munich University Hospital. It could be more reinvigorating than Tomathy had bargained for. Bring me the monkey!