Tomathy Wilson: And I thought we’d just have a quiet beer together. Only then to be apprehended by the law! Little did we know where we would end up that night… And with whom... Consulate: At least you’re out of the country now. You can’t interfere in the Free State anymore. Amazing you got asylum here. If it was up to me I’d have you in Dublin on a stone floor with a hole in the floorboard to piss through. Cushy in here isn’t it? M-arty: Yes. Consulate: I’m outta here, enjoy the food. (Gate opens, closes) Consulate: Don’t choke on it. M-arty: (Laughs to himself) Yes. GUARD: So welcome sir to Landsberg Panopticon Penal Facility. Here is your breakfast. (Tray, cups, spoon fx, book hand) Guard: …and also your book has arrived. M-arty: Yes. GUARD: So, are you a fan of Herr Freud and his works? M-arty: (Sips on tea) You may leave… (Door closes & locks) (Another sip of tea) (Opens book) M-arty: (Reads aloud the title) ‘Das Ich und das Es’, ah yes, Tarquin Madden; ‘das Es’, Tomathy Wilson; ‘das Ich’, and who is ‘das Über-Ich?’ Tick tock… tick tock… (Chokes a bit on a biscuit) M-arty: Yes… cough… yes… (Prisoners arriving at Landsberg) Tomathy: I beg you, contact the consulate in Munich, they’ll sort out this terrible misunderstanding. HOLMES: Give me back my property!! Where’s me box? (Prison door slams shut) HOLMES: Foreign fuckerses! Foreign fuckerses! Tomathy: You know old boy, that’s the first time I’ve seen you without that confounding lunch box. HOLMES: Shuttup you, what’s it got do witcha??? Hah? It’s my box. I’ll do with it what I want to do with it right?? Stop lookin’ at me! Tomathy: But what’s in it? I’ve never seen a sandwich go in nor out of the bloody thing. HOLMES: Are you startin’ again?  Tomathy: Starting? Yes, well I am starting, starting to wonder what reason you have for that bloody wooden box you carry with you religiously and run away to every time I ask you about yourself- HOLMES: Keep the mouth shut and the mind open Tomathy Wilson. But most important, keep your nose out! Tomathy: Calm down Holmes. HOLMES: Well stop looking at me. Drillin’ your eyes into me skull! Tomathy: I have to look at you Holmes. HOLMES: It’s like been studied so I am! Here, shall I take the shirt off or drop the trousers, give you the full load? Tomathy: I-I didn’t mean to rub you up the wrong way HOLMES: You’re rubbing me up now. Dirty bastard. Tomathy: But look, we’re in a foreign jail and I don’t, I don’t know- HOLMES: No! No! You look! You, look, the other fuckin’ way will yis? Tomathy: Steady on Holmes, it’s not my fault that we’re here! I mean- HOLMES: And you too, sly fucker in the corner. What you lookin’ at? Tomathy: By jingo, didn’t even notice him sitting there… what are you in for old chap? Oh, I suppose you wouldn’t understand me. Talk to him Holmes… HOLMES: Always the instructions! You’re like a lost sheep up the moors, lost in the fog! Flappin’ around begging for your mammy at every turn to suck on her teet hah? Are you not able to work a single thing out for yourself? Do you not have the instinct? Always at me to show you the way, like some lobotomised lapdog y’are! Tomathy: I say Holmes, I’m only acceding to your superior judgement, you have a way, a way with, listen, if you wanted me to take the lead I jolly well can be myself and- HOLMES: No! No! Just, no! Tomathy Wilson just bein’ himself yeah. That’s all. He’s himself… ok, ok, right, no, no, I’ll talk to him when I want to talk to him right? Tomathy: Fine Holmes, fine… I was just saying- HOLMES: With the face of constipation... Tomathy: Fine. Looking at the wall ok? HOLMES: He’s just being himself. Tomathy: The wall… Just calm- HOLMES: Curse a f-Hey! I was talkin’ to you! What are you lookin’ at? Sour lookin’ little lad aren’t ya? (Silence) HOLMES: Well? (Silence) Tomathy: Em, if I may? HOLMES: Argh! What’s that now? Hah? What did I do wrong? Was it not to your taste? Will he be displeased? Tomathy: Eh, no, no but maybe, eh, in German Holmes, he’s obviously a local… I mean, (whispers) look at that ‘tache… HOLMES: Oh right… Good call Tomathy Wilson. Aksksksshshsh. Not a total gobshite at this moment. So, got nothin’ to say for yourself now hah? Tomathy: Holmes… sprechen ze yunno… HOLMES: Don’t push it now. This little lad had plenty to say earlier in the pub. Ah sure, feed a beer brings out the gob in me too, say you’re probably scuttered? Tomathy: He looks quite alert and intense to me Holmes. HOLMES: Thanks for that again. Well he shouldn’t be holding it all in then should he?? Here, get it out of ya, you’ve nowhere to go tonight. Don’t be shy! I’ll, I’ll even help translate to Mr Tomathy Wilson here if you want? Because he is being himself and he needs help… (Pause) Hitler: What is your name? HOLMES: Ah! Ah! See? It speaks! Tomathy: What did he say Holmes? HOLMES: (Makes retarded mimic) Ssshh, just let him on- Hitler: Where are you from? Tomathy: Eh? HOLMES: He’s saying he fuckin’ likes your coat… Tomathy: Ah, did he really? Gosh, well, thank you, it’s, it’s, real tweed sir, got it made in old Saville Row London you know. Hitler: I suggest we start again. Tomathy: What did… oh sorry Holmes. HOLMES: (Sigh) He doesn’t actually like your coat. He was only messin’ witcha. Anyway, go on lad, tell us what’s on your mind, Tomathy: What’s wrong with my coat? Hitler: I thought I have made myself perfectly clear. Outrageous. HOLMES: Uh-huh. Yep. He said he wouldn’t be caught dead in those rags. Tomathy: What? That’s outrageous nonsense! This is top of line material and bespoke cut by the finest tailors in the world man and- Hitler: I will never surrender. Never. Tomathy: Holmes? HOLMES: Holmes?! Holmes?! What’s going on Holmes?! I am lost again Holmes! I can’t find my arsehole Holmes! He says you’re only a fuckin’ posh self-righteous bollocks! Tomathy: Well! Wh-I nev-well not since my divorce have I ever been so insulted! Good god! Now listen here Herr Fritz, you simply can’t go play the man AND the ball! Slagging off a man and his tweed and his, his rightful position in life? Well, it’s just not o- (Hitler explodes, chair flies across the room, massive rant begins) Hitler: I’ve been betrayed and deceived from the very beginning. What a monstrous betrayal of the German people. Tomathy: Calm down sir! Hitler: But all those traitors will pay. Tomathy: Or I shall have to call the guards. Hitler: They’ll pay with their own blood. Tomathy: Please. Hitler: They shall drown in their own blood! Tomathy: Please. Holmes: Akskshssh! Hitler: Our generals are just a bunch of contemptible, disloyal cowards. They are cowards, traitors and failures. Tomathy: Em… are you… Hitler: Not a shred of honour! HOLMES: Arghghsssh, he just went for the wick in it Tomathy! You riled him so you did! He wants to eat your soul. He’s not your friend. Tomathy: Hmmm. Hitler: I suggest we start again… HOLMES: Yunno, You’ve a lot of issues. I can see that now. You know what you should do? You should write it ALL down, all of it, yunno. Into a book, I think that would help your struggle. It’ll do ya good! Be civilised about it. That’s what this lad would say anyway and sure, he wears a nice coat. Hitler: In a war like this there are no civilians. HOLMES: Exactly, yep, I know, it’s the best way to handle the demons. Write it all down. It’s very cathartic. Is that what you’d say? “Well it’s very cathartic…”. Tomathy: Why that’s amazing Holmes! He’s smiling at you, I-I think, I think he agrees! HOLMES: Y’up, good advice costs nothing I say. Even free for you too thick lad- Tomathy: Well! That’s a relief! I thought it was bound for fisticuffs at one second, I mean I didn’t expect all this, I only came here for rest, relaxation and recuperation! HOLMES: Well dash it all hah? You’re a poor ol’ fucker at the moment aren’t ya eh? Stuck in these four walls, it’d drive anyone mad, nearly took the head off this lad.  Tomathy: Yes, I suppose I am Holmes. (Door unlocks) Tomathy: Stefan! Thank god! HOLMES: Oddball. Where’s me box, oddball? Stefan: Tomathy Wilson and Aubrey Holmes. You are free to go gentlemen. It was a gross misunderstanding, I have your things in my car… You are free to come with me. Tomathy: Are we free to go Holmes? ‘MENTAL HOLMES 2 - PUTSCH IT HOLMES!’ is an Amplevoicepod audio adventure. It's 1923. We join Aubrey Holmes and Tomathy Wilson aboard a swiftly trundling pan-European train trip culminating in the Munich train station. Everything here is inflated: bread, beer and egos. Aubrey and Tomathy are in town to take rest and relaxation, their goal being Baden Baden, but there’s a slight problem with the local German translation from guide Stephan. It’s only the beginning of the experiment which putches them from beerhall to prison to operating table! They meet an old friend while enjoying a hearty lager at the local Burgerbraukeller. But trouble ensues, resulting in them being thrown into Landsberg prison. Within the panopticon Aubrey befriends a furious little cellmate who has big ideas for the future... But that is nothing compared to the fate that could befall Tomathy Wilson as he finally gets to meet the world-renowned surgen Dr. Voronoff at the Munich University Hospital. It could be more reinvigorating than Tomathy had bargained for. Bring me the monkey!