Gerbil: I am Gerbil. My master is Murphyarty. I was born 1922, in Cork Mental Reservation and planted into head orderly Tarquin Madden’s mind. I helped guide my master’s escape. Tarquin, believing also to be an escaped patient, carries me inside his lead-lined wooden lunchbox. I steer Tarquin; via befriending Tomathy Wilson, a lawyer cum amateur detective, to do my master’s bidding. From assassination to implantation, Wilson knows Tarquin only as ‘Aubrey Holmes’; the name on a business card in Wilson’s waistcoat that a then-naked Tarquin stole from the washing line. In our two adventures so far we have met Jim-the-Slipper and Doctor Voronoff, taking us from atop Beal Na Blath in Cork, to Landsberg Prison near Munich. Now… it is June 1924. Tomathy Wilson, invigorated with monkey-testicle implants from Munich, takes ‘Aubrey Holmes’ to Vienna. To do one thing; find Sigmund Freud to discover who ‘Aubrey Holmes’ really is. He really must be stopped. SCENE 1 (STEPHANPLATZ, VIENNA) Tomathy: Oh! Oh! Oooh! Look! Can’t you see? Holmes: Ah, this means nothing to me… Tomathy: Oh Vienna! I am home! Oh, oh, oh the elegance! Holmes: Stop all the jumpery, you’re like a giant flea bag.  Tomathy: Oh my! (STARTS RUNNING) Holmes: ‘Ere! Come back ya wild man! Look at the gurns of him!(TO HIMSELF) – I’m not sure Dr Voronoff’s monkey testicles were a good idea… But at least the poor fucker doesn’t know what happened to him.Come back! (AFFECTS TOMATHY VOICE) – “I might need you at any moment!” Akskskshsshhh… Tomathy: Shape up Holmes! No time to shilly shally! As I said on the train, if I can’t find out who you are, I know a man who can! Sigmund Freud! Holmes: (RUNNING) Mad for the controls again! Twisting knobs, pushing butto-HEY! What are you doing now? Don’t piss on the flower beds! Tomathy: Ahhhh! (ZIP), ooh, I love these new zipper trousers! (ZIP, ZIP, ZIP) Holmes: He’ll make a holy show of us all… Tomathy: AH! A coffee-house! Cafehaus! Gerbil: Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Holmes: Fuck off you! Tomathy: Café Diglas… a gathering, of intellectuals and thinkers, of writers and poets filled with connoisseurs who expect things just so. Holmes: Not for you then and would you put your mickey back in your trousers! Tomathy: Ohh! Oh yes! HAHAHA! Ahem. Let’s go in! (FOOTSTEPS INSIDE) Tomathy: Sit here, sit here! Ooh! Urgmm… Holmes: Very posh hah? Tomathy: Ahhh, you can buy Apfelstrudel, Linzer Torte and Punschkrapfen a- Holmes: Excuse me? Tomathy: Oooooh! I would, I would! Oooh! Holmes: Hah? Tomathy: Would you?? The waitress… Holmes: Her? What would you do? Tomathy: Hello darling! Sit on my face and I’ll guess your weight! HAHAHA-ooh.. Holmes: Ah, young lady, sorry, my friend’s a bit sick. I told him to say- Waitress: Shit! (SLAPS HOLMES) Tomathy: Oh! Waitress: Arsehole. Holmes: Don’t mention it… Waitress: Shit… Tomathy: Oh! HAHAAHAHAH! She slapped you Holmes! Dirty bitch! Holmes: Ah, now she’s sending over the brand new heavy… Seamus: Sorry gentlemen but I’m going to have to ask yis to… Jaysuz! Tomathy: It isn’t! Seamus: Praise the lord! Holmes: It had to be you hadn’t it? Tomathy: Seamus!! Seamus: I can’t believe it. Mr. Tomathy Wilson, it’s good to see you are looking so well! Holmes: That lad’s never well. Do youse do pancakes? Seamus: Cork, then Munich, now Vienna. Are you alright? After your operation and all? Tomathy: What are you blatheri-OH! You mean my spa treatment with Dr Voronoff in Munich? Woke up invigorated with Voronoff nowhere to be seen! Holmes: You know nothing. Tomathy: Wonderful, I tell you. Holmes: So, you finished with the revolution then Seamus? Seamus: Yeah. Tomathy: Marvellous! Now be a good boy Seamus and send the waitress with the big breasts back over. Oh I am so rude! Haha! Seamus: Once the crackdown in Munich started, I was smuggled in a crate over here. Signed up for Seminarian College, to better meself… This is just to pay for me lodgin’s like. Tomathy: I say, I feel lrather heavy in the gentleman’s area. (LARGE BELCH) Seamus: Was that you? Holmes: No, that was me… Tomathy: I say, I do believe I- Holmes: I said, that was me, I’m the ignorant fool here remember? Tomathy: Why are you kicking me Holmes? Seamus: I’m a ‘Zugeraster’ here. An ‘outsider’… They don’t like me much in the college. Strange, us all being Catholic and everything… Must be the Irish guilt being that much more inbred. Tomathy: Poppycocks and baldyrashers! Holmes: (TO SEAMUS) Get it out, get it all out- (TO TOMATHY) NOT YOU! Tomathy: Why are you looking at me? Gerbil: Fools! Hahahha! Holmes: Not you either! Seamus: Well, I suppose it was on account of Daddy’s leather belt. I’m studying now that guilt is an important factor in perpetuating obsessive–compulsive disorder symptoms- Holmes: No, you’ve just some issues with your daddy. Tomathy: Oh, did he fuck you? AH! The Arbeiter Zeitung! Ahhhh, (BLOWS NOSE IN PAPER, CASUALLY TAKES OUT PENIS). Seamus: Mr Wilson, is that your penis? Waitress: Shit! Holmes: He’s just casually pulling at it, as if he’s at the Doctor’s. Ah you’re an awful savage now aren’t you? Tomathy: What was that? I’m reading the paper, there’s an article about- Seamus: Sorry lads, youse’ll have to leave. Praise the lord… But you’re an abomination. Sorry, see yis… Tomathy: Are you taking my bloody order, or just cracking on about- Seamus: And if yis don’t mind me saying, think about getting some psychoanalysis done for your condition. Tomathy: And there we were. Holmes with his wooden lunchbox, me tucking my little gentleman back in. Both of us ejected from the café by our old friend Seamus. I was full of beans, with Holmes taking the blame for all my gay enthusiasm. Outside again on Stephanplatz, Holmes looked at me, he had a plan to bring me salvation. But I had other ideas. Tomathy: (FINGERS SNAP) Why, that just might be it Holmes! I mean of course it is, that’s why we are here! To find you help! Holmes: I think he meant you in fairness. Tomathy: Hahahaha! Of course not! Now, we need to find the great Herr Freud. Like you, he’s a genius! Holmes: Well said, ya silky fucker. Tomathy: But he’s cancelled his lecture at the Vienna Ambulatory on account of his cancer of the jaw. I fear it might be a race against time old boy, to get you seen to! To get to the bottom of your story! Ay Holmes? Holmes: ‘Ere, Flasher, do I have to put it back in for you or can you manage it yourself? Gerbil: You are wasting your time!!! Tick tock! Tomathy: Oh, ooh, but his address, I have it here, from the paper, AHAHA! The hunt for Freud! Oooh, he lives at Berggasse 19... Where’s that? Oh look! A boat! Let’s take the boat down there! Holmes: No, no no! No boats! Like Seamus, you need to praise the Lord to save your soul! To the church with your wicked ways!  Tomathy: Oh gosh, (ZIP) Have I sinned? And it’s only 10 o’clock in the morning. (ST STEPHEN’S CATHEDRAL) Tomathy: Holmes dragged me to the cathedral, and there before our very eyes was Chancellor Siepel of Austria! At the altar! Giving a sermon! (DOORS OPENING) Holmes: Sit at the back… at the back! Excuse me, sorry, we’re tourists, sorry… Tomathy: (SHOUTS) Sorry Holmes! Holmes: Shut the fuck up! Tomathy: But I- I know who that man is… Holmes: Get in your box! Tomathy: No. He’s the Chancellor of all of Austria! Holmes: Stop it! Tomathy: Ignaz Seipel… Holmes: You’re vibratin’ the pews! Tomathy: He’s anti-everything, Marxists, Jews, Deviants, and Coloureds! Holmes: (LOOKS AROUND) Sorry! Excuse me, he’s a foreign lad… knows natin’. Ab-nor-mal… Tomathy: (SHOUTS) I say old chap, Mr, eh, Chancellor, Seipel! I can’t, eh- Holmes: Oh curse a jayzus in His house an’ all… Tomathy: -understand a bloody word you are saying! Do you speak any normal?! Seipel: Blah Blah blah! Tomathy: Um, no, nothing I’m afraid… (TO HOLMES) where’s Stefan when you need him? Could we not pay him to come from Munich to interpret in Vienna?  Gerbil: Stefan’s Dead, Stefan’s dead! And this one’s saying you are all going to die! AHAAHAHA! Holmes: NO MORE FROM YOU! He’s the one that looks like he’s got death’s cold fingers round his neck. Look at the state of his purple dress! Tomathy: This is no use… Can’t have a proper conversation with a man who-(LOUD FLATULENCE). Ahhhh…. Ooooh- Holmes: Aw, suck back up the bad eggs would ya. Tomathy: I’m going up there to have a word with Chancellor Seipel. Holmes: NO! Fuckit! Fuckit! Oooh fuckit! Bad brains! Bad brains! Tomathy: Get off me Holmes! Stop molesting me! Holmes: Akskskskh! The strength of five men in him! Tomathy: No! No! Stop-(MORE WIND) Holmes: I’m being chemicalised! I can’t breathe! Mental Holmes III - Oh Vienna! Is an Amplevoicepod HQ audio adventure podcast. The newly reinvigorated Tomathy Wilson has taken Aubrey Holmes to Vienna to seek out famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. But not before they run into old friend Seamus Byrnie working at cáfe Diglas on Strobelgasse. Therein a chance meeting with the mysterious Professor Murphyarty leads them to visit the Wiener Konzerthaus at his behest. In the lobby they meet Austrian Chancellor Ignaz Seipel and all hell breaks loose once seats are taken. Culminating in the worst possible of situations and the fracturing of a friendship. Only Sigmund Freud has the answers. Das Es, Das Ich, Das Uber Ich! Another foley-filled, action-packed, highly-aural adventure from Amplevoicepod. Shut your eyes and immerse yourself in this insane trip to Vienna in 1924.